|
| Seriously...Why would anyone be upset about losing me?
| | |
| Love to say this to your face, "I'll love you only." I feel as though all I've been doing lately in my relationship with Ryan is wait - wait for him to get home, call me, pay attention to me, say that he loves me with me having to ask or saying "I love you" first. Our three year anniversary is this Sunday - the 15th. I feel like I'm going to break down before it arrives. The only thing that has been giving me the urge to cut lately is him. I'm fed up, frustrated, worn out from being with him. Is it selfish of me to want some satisfaction from this relationship? We were doing so well a couple weeks ago... but now, I can't see/speak to him without being overcome with rage. I just really hope something good happens... and soon.
I'm longing - longing to feel fulfilled, to feel comforted, to feel smitten, to feel butterflies in my stomach. I don't believe that I've done anything to deserve any of those though. They're being held off from me by some impenetrable force. I absolutely abhor this feeling.
Love to say this in your ear, "I'll love you that way."
| | |
| There are things that drift away like our endless, numbered days. I need, want, have to cry, but I won't allow myself. The urge to scream, to bawl, to release - I can't give in. The choking, pressing feeling - I can't let it go. If I let it go, I feel as if I'll come to a screeching halt. That feeling is filling me up and keeping me from hurting myself more. Self-mutilation... bullimia... how silly. No one notices. I don't want them to. They don't need to. What would change?
Today, my mother noticed that I had lost weight. She said "Beth is coming back... this isn't Beth." I guess I'm not myself right now.
| | |
| So won't you kill me? I'm being plagued by the longing feeling again. Ryan hasn't given me that fluttering feeling in my stomach in soooo long. It's ridiculous. I'm wishing so hard for the ideal relationship. I don't think I'm going to get that with Ryan though... he just seems to not care about trying to working on the relationship like me. If he truly does love me, then I just want him to show it - whether by wanting to have sex with me or just by showering me with attention and sweet little nothings. Anything would be nice.
I didn't get to throw up at all last week since Ryan, Gina, Joe, Biggs, and I were in Orlando at Ryan's dad's house. I felt so disgusted with myself. I found that it's also an emotional release for me. I always feel relieved afterwards... I don't know why. I get to rid myself of filth. I guess I don't really deserve any of the food I'm given. I'm hoping that the combination of starvation, puking, working, and exercise will help me lose weight and get back to being average.
I'm such a pathetic person - overweight, holding back emotions, and secretly twisted.
I wonder if anyone would still love me if they knew what I think most of the time.
| | |
| And update of sorts... I got my first job at Washington Commons as a food server - starting at $7 an hour. My first day was Friday. It's all good so far - nothing to complain about.
Senior boards are next week, then it's nothing but smooth sailing through the rest of the year. I'll feel so relieved the second I say "Thank you for taking the time to watch my presentation... I am now open for any questions you may have."
I have been allowed to go down to Orlando with Ryan, Gina, Biggs, and Joe for Spring Break. I'm pretty excited - not so much about wearing a bathing suit. I may just wear a t-shirt and shorts?
I'm still struggling with the eating disorder... I try not to eat, but if I do eat I'll just throw it right back up.
My overall mood hasn't improved much either since the last entry. Umm... still have that sense of longing and it's killing me. I've been feeling like a horrible girlfriend and human. Ryan knows exactly how to make me feel that way. I've done good on cutting... haven't done it in maybe a couple months? I've been tempted more than a few times. I'm a disaster - emotionally and physically.
Does anyone even appreciate me?
| | |
|
