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| men suck...my birthdays in 4 days...people dont think enough...im hanging out with steph...stephs secretly a lesbian...but thats a secret...so i wasnt supposed to say anything...shit...so uh...can you keep my secret? well, her secret? fuck...i hope she doesnt read this...i just revealed her ever long lasting secret...im a terrible friend...i cant keep secrets...sex...once again....penis....alcohol...yes...i blame thee alcohol...the end...
((stephs secret is a lie...she's not really a lesbian, i guess)) | | |
| yep...this is life....humbug | | |
| yes, two entries in one day..amazing
ive been reading everyones xangas and what not and seeing what ive missed...and all i have to say is life isnt fair...its amazing how much you can miss in such little time...it seems like everyones having problems and cant deal with anything...its quite depressing...and on top of it all..everyones having problems with their boyfriends and just in relationships in general...why do guys have to be such assholes? i mean seriously, the stuff they pull is just completly unneeded...so im left here thinking to myself, how do you know when your boyfriends lieing to you? or cheating on you? ...seriously though, its rediculous to see how many people are being cheated on and lied to about everything...me and matt have been together for over a year, and i dont think he's cheating on me..but i know he lies to me...yes im really over protective so the minute hes hanging out with or talking about another girl i suspect he's cheating..but then i tell myself that i'm wrong, and he wouldnt do that to me...but now that i see everyone else is having problems with cheating, how am i supposed to know if im not a victim of the same....now im not trying to accuse matt of anything, because i know he loves me just like i love him... but its just..honestly...how am i supposed to know if im in a safe relationship or not? me and matt have been argueing about everything lately..and its the stupidest stuff...i always blame myself, and he blames his self also...but is it supposed to be a sign? is there something going wrong that i dont know about? and most of his friends are girls...should i be worried about that too? and just looking around at people in school...i see guys who have girlfriends in other schools, and yet they're sitting there getting massages from other girls who know that the guy isnt single..and everyone flirts with everyone...i mean, when matt brings up other girls he says that their just friends...but of course he's going to say that...why would he say other wise? but is it really necessary to be getting massages and flirting with other people when youre not single? so im just sitting here thinking, how do i know that matts not doing the same? i mean...im not in his school...i dont see him while he's in school and who he hangs out with...his entire lunch table is all girls aside from i think one other guy...is that a sign too? i mean...are those girls really just friends? or a little more than friends? maybe the kind that are friends who flirt and give each other massages? either way, it doesnt seem very convincing that their all just friends...i'm probably just thinking too much and i should trust matt...and i do trust him...but you can only trust someone so much...maybe if i were in his school and saw who he hung out with and knew the girls, or if he didnt lie to me so much, then i could trust him a little more....but the lack of trust drives me insane...and i dont want to end up the way everyone else is right now, a miserable wreck because of relationships gone bad...and the major problem is trust...so what to do about it? i have no idea...should i just sit back and pretend like nothings going on...or should i say something and sound like a complete bitch? i dunno...i'm sure matt feels the same about me...but matts the only thing i have going for me, i love him with all my heart and i can admit that ive messed up a lot of times...and almost threw our reationship in the garbage over a mindless act...i know i'm not perfect...and i know matt isnt either...and i dont expect him to be but seeing what everyone else is going through, and hearing the same story over and over again, and seeing that it seems like most guys either have or are cheaters...what am i supposed to expect?
and matt, i know youre reading this, so if ive insulted you, i'm sorry...i didnt mean it...my mind is just thinking too much and im left here wondering...i'm not trying to accuse you of anything <3 | | |
| roar! well, not too much has been going on lately...school sucks because i have a bunch of rumors going on about me and nick...but thats ok because hes a jerk anyways...hmm, halloween was pretty good...me, matt, steph, ellen, and justin went to stephs grandmas because shes out of town, and then we went tricker treating and stuff...it was fun... but once again it made me realise that skirts are bad, but im over it...hmm, matts at work and stephs just..around, and im bored...so yah, people should call me and hang out with more often..cause i said so...and im usually up for hanging out with anyone during the week :) kayla also doesnt have internet...which means i cant talk to her much anymore...icky... i need a job, i want moneyyyy...i think im gonna wait another month though, but after that im off searching..woo...mike wants me to work at panzas with him, and im considering it but i think i might want to find something less messy as dish washing, i dont wanna smell funny from it...and i cant wait to get my permit...wooo! a month and 11 days :) so im all excited and what not...i wonder what matt b and evan have been up too...i havnt talked to matt b in forever, nor have i talked to evan in a few weeks... *ponders* i'm really tired..and i want a kitten, kittens are cute...lalala....ladedah...alright, well i think im done, maybe i'll write in another month or so, seeing as thats how this xanga seems to be going...muah! | | |
| well i guess its about time to update huh? things have been good and bad lately...kind of an on and off thing. school sucks, i dont wanna go anymore..i just wish i could drop out but i know thats not exactly a good idea...
my mom called me a loser last night and pretty much told me i was going no where in life because i didnt wanna go to school today because i have cramps...not like i asked to get my period.
people at school also suck, including some people i talk to on a regular basis...but what else is new ya know?
me and ellen are friends now, which is pretty cool cause shes awesome...ive been hanging out with her, justin, matt, and steph a lot lately which is good because it keeps me entertained...hehe
things with matt have been alright when im not flipping out on him and starting fights for no reason...i dont know why i do that, i dont even mean to..i guess its just me and i feel terrible abot it but he keeps telling me not to worry about it because hes used to it...which makes me feel worse because i dont want him to be used to it..i dont know though, things are fine when im not being a bitch but i guess thats life.. </3
i went to my dads with matt on saterday for dinner and then went out with matt, justin, ellen, and steph...i went to his house yesterday too...me and matt took his bottles to price chopper and put them in the machine thingys, i got $15 from it which was pretty cool...and then me and matty cleaned/washed my dads mustang for $10...and i still have to clean and wash his truck for another $10, and then i have other money so i finally have money :) yay... matt got me wet, he sprayed me with the hose..even though i sprayed him first, so we were soaked cause i sprayed him from head to toe...so i guess he was the soaked one, i was just wet
i'm really bored...i didnt really do much today besides sit around, play on the computer, sleep, and watch tv and movies...i watched Boogeyman with Barry Wattson...wo0t...and im eventually going to get around to watch Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle..yay for movies
i'm sad...matt cant come over tonight and he usually comes over every night, so its weird...he had to go to his grandparents house which is like 2 hours away or something, grr...and he doesnt know when hes gonna be back so i miss him even though i saw him yesterday...yep
i'm hungy...
this premium thing is still pretty cool, i'm having fun with it
i havnt talked to laretta lately, pooey...i wonder what shes up to...we're never online at the same time :( sadness
kayla might be moving...i dont want her to..im gonna be really sad and lonely and bored in school...what would i do without my kayla...
nick and tom are assholes...tom called me and kayla fat and worthless...and i guess he says it to her all the time but its the first time he said it to me..and then nick and tom walked away and nick was telling tom that i was like a turtle, when i fall down i roll around on my back and cant get up..so when nick said that to him tom felt the need to turn around and scream it at me in the hallway...so Bj said he was gonna beat him up and Ellen said shes gonna spit in his face and walk away, yay
toms also an idiot because he feels he has the right to be going around telling my personal buisness to people and saying it really loud when he says it so im sure many people know now...and i dont really care that he said stuff to kayla, she had the right to know anyways because shes one of my best friends, but its the fact that he said it really loud..hes a loser anyway
hmm...i think every thing thats been going on lately is just bothering me a lot which has brought back my depression thats been gone for the most part...ive been miserable lately and have been taking everything really personal...i find myself just crying for no reason at all..and ive been trying to hide it but i dont care anymore...i cant keep myself together in front of matt anymore either, he was over last weekend and i just starting crying for no reason, so he was confused...and all ive wanted to do lately is cut...i dont think im going to let myself but its the thought that counts...i dont know, i promised matt that i would be safe but i dont know what i'm going to do with myself anymore...lifes just starting to suck again, i think its school..all of this started happening when school started again, but then again school brings a lot of drama in life...so there ya go..
i think i want to start going to a therapist again, but i dunno...when i had one i never really talked to her anyways, which is why i stopped going..blah, i also wanna start going to Curves...im not happy with the way i look, so i wanna lose some weight...stephs prolly going to do it with me, at least i hope...i want kayla to do it with me and she wants to too but shes not sure if her dad will pay for it...i dunno, im just not happy with myself, i think thats also part of why i havnt been myself lately...im just not happy with anything about me
i guess im done writing in here, i dont have much more to say...i could talk about how things are really crappy with my mom right now but i dont wanna bother
Staind- for you
to my mother to my father
It's your son or it's your daughter
Are my screams loud enough for
You to hear me? should i turn this up for you?
I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence gets us nowhere,
Gets us nowhere way too fast.
The silence is what kills me
I need someone here to help me
But you don't know how to listen
And let me make my decision
I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence gets us nowhere,
Gets us nowhere way too fast.
All your insults and your curses
Make me feel like i'm not a person.
And i feel like i am nothing.
But you made me so do something.
Cause i'm fucked up because you are
Need attention, attention you couldn't give.
I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence gets us nowhere,
Gets us nowhere way too fast.
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I adopted a cute lil' gothy fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!
