cant type.

am so tired.

have been told to completely re jig my french oral. the real exam is next wednesday. im confident. ive changed so much in the last few years. my gcse oral was, according to my teacher, 'like sucking blood out of a stone' and since then a lot of blood has been sucked from me. under the blade of a knife.

something i really want to be repeated. but i wont.

i dont think the fact that i am trying to quit smoking is helping.

i feel so tense. i feel like hitting something.

like hurting something

i have just finished my stupid cookery assessment write up. well i lie, i still havent done the time plan, the biggest part of it. i am now doing the french oral.

i finished my biology coursework. finally. i am still 400 words short but i dont give a shit.

i want to do my geography coursework. but that isnt due in for ages. i was supposed to do a geography essay today but didnt get around to it. it has to be handed in tomorrow. thank god i have plenty of frees.

im shaking. i havent been drinking. i wish i had.

was drinking like a fish last night, had some friends around. didnt go for anywhere near as many fag breaks as i usually would. it was lots of fun. nicely wasted.

but now im tired. but must do french. but discovered that havent saved the latest copy so am having to type most of it up.

i hate school. im not cut out for coursework

or pressure

or exams

or just plain work

am home alone at my grandparents cos they are away. i like being alone.

why?

i dont know.

heavy breathing. so tired.

must finish french cos she wants to see it tomorrow. ought to finish cookery but not going to. have to do that essay. and hundreds of biology questions. she also wants me to revise for a test on the same day as my french oral. no chance bitch.

and then we have a geog test on thursday.

why does it all have to come all at once?

everyone keeps saying that it will all be over in 6 weeks. but u gotta get through those first. thats the hard bit.

so many exams. french im getting passes. just.

biology, no where near passes but only cos i dont revise. she said the other day ' you should be revising AS stuff when u have the time.' what time u fucking cow??? no time.

no time

arg.

cold

hot

cold.

french.

I have recently noticed how much people on here like to do surveys!! i like doing them too but it feels weird putting them up cos i never know whether people like to read them or not. anyway i would like to put to you a survey of my own which i want to do for my own research for a project im doing. i will put up the graphs and things that i gain from it. i will put my own answers in so if u want to do it, just comment me or message me with your own answers. please pass it on, i need quite a few samples!! it is do with the links between self injury and eating disorders and a persons image.

1. age - 18

questions to do with your image:

2. hair colour - black

3. is your hair colour above natural? - no, it is naturally brown

4. describe your hairstyle - generally tied up as im growing it. used to have a long fringe (super emo, across one eye) but its growing out to one side. side parting.

5. describe your regular amount of make up and what it is - black eyeliner, black eyeshadow, pale foundation, mascara, discrete lip gloss

6. how many pairs of skinny jeans do you own, what colour are they are do you wear them regularly? - 4 pairs, all black, very regularly, every day in the hols, not so much at school

7. what colour do you wear most of the time? - black. sometimes a little red or white

8. how many pairs of shoes do you own and what is your favourite make? - about 6 pairs. mostly converse. converse is my favourite

9. if you had to categorise your self what would it be - (underline up to three answers) emo, goth, indie, punk, nerd, grunge, trendy, 'normal', chav, townie,

10. do you drink, if so how regularly? - (underline again) yes/no every day, once a week, more than once a week, once a month, more than once a month, other ____________________

11. do you smoke? - yes

12. if yes, about how many a day? - 4

13. have you ever taken any drugs? - yes

14. are you a regular drug user? no

questions about self injury:

15. do you cut? - yes

16. do you hurt yourself in any other way? - yes. burning.

17. how long have you been self injuring? - 2 years and 4 months

18. do your family know? - yes

19. do your friends know? - some of them

20. if possible, explain what you feel may have brought on the need to self injure - im not sure, possibly delayed result of my parents divorce, leaving school, two of my best friends leaving the country, break up with another best friend.

21. how do you feel most of the time? - nowadays, better but i used to feel very depressed a lot of the time

22. have you ever had suicidal thoughts? - almost every day even now. theres such a lot of pressure.

23. where do you ususally harm yourself? - arms but also legs and tummy.

24. what do you usually use to harm yourself? - razor blades

25. when did you last hurt yourself? - last night but before that, two months ago

26. have you ever needed stitches? - no

27. does it make you feel better? - not really sure. not really.

questions about eating disorders:

28. do you think you may have an eating disorder? - i think i am very mildly anorexic i think im fat but deep down i know im not

29. how long have you had an eating disorder, roughly? - not sure. about a year

30. have you lost a lot of weight through it? - not really. annoying.

31. if possible explain what brought it on - the fact that my stomach bluges, my thighs wobble and my arms are gross. its just horrible.

32. do you purge or have you ever purged? - no and i never have, as much as i have wanted to

33. if so, does it make you feel better? - n/a

34. how many meals do you eat a day? - in the holidays id say two and a half but when im at school, just 1

35. has anyone ever tried to talk to you about having an eating disorder? - no. my friends always encourage me to eat lunch but i dont and i dont think they think its serious.

and finally:

36. have you ever seen a counseller or anyone like that about either problem - yes, the school counseller, the doctor and someone from the youth enquiry service

37. was this your decision? - no, first schools and my parents then my doctors.

38. are you still seeing them? - no

39. if so, is it helping you? - n/a

40. do you hold any hope for your future? - not sure

thanks so much for taking part, hopefully will have results for you soon.