xXcuts_givemelifeXx's Xanga

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:03:30 GMT

Hmmm. I'm on my iPod so I can't be bothered to fix any typos, apologies. I have just read someones post (sorry, can't remember who's!!) about having to cover up scars. I am in Sweden atm and the heat is.. Ridiculous. I think we could safely label me 'emo' and I have the most whoppingly HUGE tan ive ever seen. I go outside for 10 minutes and I turn 3 shades darker. I'm so used to being really pale and wearing long sleeves all the time and keeping out of the sun. Its impossible in this weather. It really is. Back to the point, my friends mum came home today and she asked me what happened to my arms (they are quite ugly I guess, as much as I treasure them) my precise answer was 'uh nothing I uh I had a I um I did it to myself' it was a horrible experience and makes me wonder if I should cover up. I was talking to my friend about it and she says I shouldn't, that it shows a part of my life and also that I am over it. I don't really know what relevance this is to the post I read but it made me think. If I was on a computer I would type more but anyone who has an iPod touch or anything similar knows that typing a lot is extremely difficult and gets very annoying!!!! Hopefully post properly soon xxxxxx

What is your stance on religion? Are you a religious person?

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 16:10:00 GMT

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

I am going to answer this when I get home. I guarantee it will be at least 1000 words.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 07:12:06 GMT

Emma är i Sverige!!! I am in Sweden. So wont be posting, my friend i am staying with är i the shower. So i am just quickly updating u. Nästa, play the guitar. My friend has been teaching me some chords. Which is cool. they eat A LOT here but she is vegan so at least it is all healthy. 3, sometimes 4 meals a day!!! eeysh. hope ur all doing well xxxx

Monday, June 30, 2008

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 10:34:50 GMT

well i am back.

but i feel a lot better about myself, i havent cut since that teeny relapse which was 2 months ago. i think about it all the time tho. my scars are hideous but also so beautiful...

hate my eating habits.

ive left school now so im at home most of the time. I. Eat. Crap. that would be the title of my autobiography... gah.

went to centerparcs the other weekend. smoked 26 cigarettes. over 2 n a half days.

went to a party saturday night. miles away. huge house with a boat, pool, cinema etc. smoked 10 cigarettes that night. today, time check ten past three. havent had one yet.

my head feels tight and i snap at anyone who talks to me. luckily they are at school still. im gonna have to think of something.

my drinking need has been soothed after centerparcs, we were there 3 nights and i got pissed each night. regretted it for sure on monday morning lol.

gerard way has a very strange shaped thumb... er yeah.

anyway. im going to sweden next week. i need to start making lists of what lists i need to make. like what i need to do before then. what to pack. etc.

i need to do my hair.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

1 and 2: me n my brother harry 3: me, annabelle, debs at sports day, dressed for the occasion... 4: what my dad decided to do to his garden. yes, he set it on fire... 5: big posh meal we had at the party on saturday night 6: not so post mini kebabs i made for a bbq we had in 'paradise' (one of my dads fields) 7: my cat eating the fish food from around the fish tank

hope u r all sticking it out. stress doesnt exist remember, dont let anything get to you. its never your fault, honest.

xxx

KEVICC PROM 08

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 12:11:25 GMT

had loads of fun at this one, i love going to kevicc things cos i see so many ppl that i havent seen in so long. not many of them recognise me but its fun when they do remember me. i had just the right amount to drink and even helped someone else up some steps!! shocking! it was so well organised, and all the girls got a rose. it seems like such a long time ago!! i have had two french exams, a biology practical and two geography exams since then. they all went well. french not so good but geog i think ill b ok on. at least i bloody hope so seeing as im going to uni to study it!! anyway here are somepics of the ball:

this is me and my friend 'mimz' before we set off.

me and my pirate friend helena, she is so small n skinny!!!

i look a bit stupid here, im on the left. my really good friend amz, shes the one i helped up the steps. she won the award for biggest emo!! (i dont go to the school anymore but if i did, i would have been her competition most definitely)

er yeah had a few vodka and cokes by this point...

me and helena again. omg, it looks like i am not wearing anything!!!! i am honest!!

katherine, amz and me .. not on a fag break...

eeysh look at those whoping great thighs.. anyway this is kinda all of us. well not, there were 200 ppl there but this is 'the group'

love this pic!! the girl in the white dress in the middle has been one of my best friends since age 7, her name is 'kebz'. the two who look very similar on the right are twins and i went to school with them from age 4 to 7 and now we are friends again! its weird that they became friends with my friends from my second primary school. very small world down here in devon. anyway yeah i love this.

Stover School Prom 2008

Tue, 20 May 2008 16:17:15 GMT

My last prom! Friday will be my last day at school! exams finish on 18th june. just ahev to go back on july 4th for assembly. Then thats it. No more school.

Pictures of the prom - for those of you who havent cut too badly or are tempted to cut more, or deeper. just take a look at how much my scars stand out. look at how pretty my friends are, and at how ugly my arms make the picture.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Mon, 05 May 2008 14:51:49 GMT

ok so basically i cant decide whether my life is getting out of control again or not. things are going, u could say, quite badly:

* i relapsed last night. made several cuts to my thigh. but i was only punishing myself because -

* i keep disobeying myself, i said dont eat you twat. i have the most amazing opportunity to lose some weight right now but i wont do it. i keep eating.

* and i keep smoking. im supposed to be quitting. im supposed to be on one a day. its such a huge cut down from what it was. ive been doing it over a few weeks but with the 'stress' i feel like i need them. but i dont want to feel that i need them.

* and i keep drinking. apart from anything, the bloody stuff is full of calories. drinking by yourself in the afternoon/evening is the most pointless thing ever. but so satisfying.

* i am starting to argue with the people in my head more. i keep talking to myself. which is normal i know but i dont like arguing with myself. why cant everyone just agree with each other? or more importantly, agree with each other. i need them all to tell me not to eat, not just a few of them.

anyway what i am most concerned about is the cutting incident cos i told myself before that it wouldnt happen again. so now along with several cuts, i have the words 'dont eat' carved into me. as a reminder. i hate it when i have to carve words. i have 'pain' 'hate life' and 'pain good' on one leg. scars that never fade. grrr.

i dont feel down at all. i can explain all these things that i shouldnt be doing -

*was punishing myself when i cut. maybe gone a bit insane

*i eat because im hungry and one is supposed to eat. and because im stuck at home revising with no gum

*i smoke because i like it. (however, i noticed earlier that it wasnt quite as satisfying as it used to be. the one in the morning is the best, the rest are pointless. which is worrying cos that means im addicted)

* i drink because... i like it? i want to. i like the feeling of alcohol in me.

but as i have told myself before, i dont want to do things i like cos i dont deserve it. what have i dont to deserve enjoying myself? made my family's life hell my mutilating myself. worried my friends sometimes so much that we fall out. driven people out of my life.

ok now i feel down! but i dont. something has changed. my image even changed briefly. i lost the black eye make up (well, most of it ) and my 'emo' fringe is growing out. my sister is going all 'emo' anyway so im gonna slip into my 'goth' mode. im growing my hair.

i feel like i have blathered on far too much. i think i had to get some stuff out.

thanx for listening. always appreciated.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Thu, 01 May 2008 17:36:21 GMT

cant type.

am so tired.

have been told to completely re jig my french oral. the real exam is next wednesday. im confident. ive changed so much in the last few years. my gcse oral was, according to my teacher, 'like sucking blood out of a stone' and since then a lot of blood has been sucked from me. under the blade of a knife.

something i really want to be repeated. but i wont.

i dont think the fact that i am trying to quit smoking is helping.

i feel so tense. i feel like hitting something.

like hurting something

i have just finished my stupid cookery assessment write up. well i lie, i still havent done the time plan, the biggest part of it. i am now doing the french oral.

i finished my biology coursework. finally. i am still 400 words short but i dont give a shit.

i want to do my geography coursework. but that isnt due in for ages. i was supposed to do a geography essay today but didnt get around to it. it has to be handed in tomorrow. thank god i have plenty of frees.

im shaking. i havent been drinking. i wish i had.

was drinking like a fish last night, had some friends around. didnt go for anywhere near as many fag breaks as i usually would. it was lots of fun. nicely wasted.

but now im tired. but must do french. but discovered that havent saved the latest copy so am having to type most of it up.

i hate school. im not cut out for coursework

or pressure

or exams

or just plain work

am home alone at my grandparents cos they are away. i like being alone.

why?

i dont know.

heavy breathing. so tired.

must finish french cos she wants to see it tomorrow. ought to finish cookery but not going to. have to do that essay. and hundreds of biology questions. she also wants me to revise for a test on the same day as my french oral. no chance bitch.

and then we have a geog test on thursday.

why does it all have to come all at once?

everyone keeps saying that it will all be over in 6 weeks. but u gotta get through those first. thats the hard bit.

so many exams. french im getting passes. just.

biology, no where near passes but only cos i dont revise. she said the other day ' you should be revising AS stuff when u have the time.' what time u fucking cow??? no time.

no time

arg.

cold

hot

cold.

french.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 15:58:44 GMT

havent updated in a while. been on easter hols so 'no time due to SO much studying'

1) havent cut in ages. i havent been counting but i know its been at least 2 months

2) did a pub crawl round my town on wednesday, it was so much fun!!!!!!!

3) went clubbing again on saturday, got majorly pissed first and was dancing all night!! had to drive home the next morning and if id bin pulled over i would have been in a lot of trouble. i drank too much that night. had major hangover. was really fun though.

4) i am sposed to be giving up smoking. me n my friend are doing it together. i already smoked 6 today tho. its sposed to start tomorrow but i dont think i prepared myself very well. i dont know if im hooked enough to use patches or gum or pills to stop. i should b able to just do it. im only on 5 or 6 a day. but i cant see a life without it. then again, i couldnt see one without cutting not so long ago. i really shouldnt talk about cutting. it doesnt do any good.

5) my survey isnt going so well, please can u do it if u havent? and encourage others? i only have 10 responses and although im seeing trends, there isnt ebough data to comment on. please pretty please with sugar on top

6)school tmrw, gotta go paint my nails

xxx

Surveys

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 15:16:12 GMT

I have recently noticed how much people on here like to do surveys!! i like doing them too but it feels weird putting them up cos i never know whether people like to read them or not. anyway i would like to put to you a survey of my own which i want to do for my own research for a project im doing. i will put up the graphs and things that i gain from it. i will put my own answers in so if u want to do it, just comment me or message me with your own answers. please pass it on, i need quite a few samples!! it is do with the links between self injury and eating disorders and a persons image.

1. age - 18

questions to do with your image:

2. hair colour - black

3. is your hair colour above natural? - no, it is naturally brown

4. describe your hairstyle - generally tied up as im growing it. used to have a long fringe (super emo, across one eye) but its growing out to one side. side parting.

5. describe your regular amount of make up and what it is - black eyeliner, black eyeshadow, pale foundation, mascara, discrete lip gloss

6. how many pairs of skinny jeans do you own, what colour are they are do you wear them regularly? - 4 pairs, all black, very regularly, every day in the hols, not so much at school

7. what colour do you wear most of the time? - black. sometimes a little red or white

8. how many pairs of shoes do you own and what is your favourite make? - about 6 pairs. mostly converse. converse is my favourite

9. if you had to categorise your self what would it be - (underline up to three answers) emo, goth, indie, punk, nerd, grunge, trendy, 'normal', chav, townie,

10. do you drink, if so how regularly? - (underline again) yes/no every day, once a week, more than once a week, once a month, more than once a month, other ____________________

11. do you smoke? - yes

12. if yes, about how many a day? - 4

13. have you ever taken any drugs? - yes

14. are you a regular drug user? no

questions about self injury:

15. do you cut? - yes

16. do you hurt yourself in any other way? - yes. burning.

17. how long have you been self injuring? - 2 years and 4 months

18. do your family know? - yes

19. do your friends know? - some of them

20. if possible, explain what you feel may have brought on the need to self injure - im not sure, possibly delayed result of my parents divorce, leaving school, two of my best friends leaving the country, break up with another best friend.

21. how do you feel most of the time? - nowadays, better but i used to feel very depressed a lot of the time

22. have you ever had suicidal thoughts? - almost every day even now. theres such a lot of pressure.

23. where do you ususally harm yourself? - arms but also legs and tummy.

24. what do you usually use to harm yourself? - razor blades

25. when did you last hurt yourself? - last night but before that, two months ago

26. have you ever needed stitches? - no

27. does it make you feel better? - not really sure. not really.

questions about eating disorders:

28. do you think you may have an eating disorder? - i think i am very mildly anorexic i think im fat but deep down i know im not

29. how long have you had an eating disorder, roughly? - not sure. about a year

30. have you lost a lot of weight through it? - not really. annoying.

31. if possible explain what brought it on - the fact that my stomach bluges, my thighs wobble and my arms are gross. its just horrible.

32. do you purge or have you ever purged? - no and i never have, as much as i have wanted to

33. if so, does it make you feel better? - n/a

34. how many meals do you eat a day? - in the holidays id say two and a half but when im at school, just 1

35. has anyone ever tried to talk to you about having an eating disorder? - no. my friends always encourage me to eat lunch but i dont and i dont think they think its serious.

and finally:

36. have you ever seen a counseller or anyone like that about either problem - yes, the school counseller, the doctor and someone from the youth enquiry service

37. was this your decision? - no, first schools and my parents then my doctors.

38. are you still seeing them? - no

39. if so, is it helping you? - n/a

40. do you hold any hope for your future? - not sure

thanks so much for taking part, hopefully will have results for you soon.