|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| so im on adderall, i cant sleep and i cant help but be upset right now. i'm thinking of this girl from my past. we have not talked in the longest of times but i miss her so much. back then, we used to be so close. we talked on the phone every fucking day, seeing each other as much as we can. we had so much in common. she knew me so well, and i knew her. i miss being there for her. i want to talk to her so bad right now but she doesnt even know how much i still care for her. as much as i hate it, shes moved on from our friendship and i am saddened to realize it. | | |
| elephant dreams.
the colors are bright. you look up at the sun. squint a little bit. the grass is moving as if it's alive. it's not swaying, but moving up and down. my landscape is changing. the buildings are coming into view. how come you don't want to see me? you are flowing into my brain like a feather in the breeze. there's music. the music is playing too soft. put your ear to the ground. listen. do you hear it? it's my heart asking where she is. she's right there. planting a tree. but not for my satisfaction. she is planting a tree for him. i water his plant. i care for his plant. yet he picks the fruit from the tree that i watch. i take the role of the gardener. it's my duty to do this, no questions asked. the gardener is sad. he does not like his job. the gardener yearns for the tree.
| | |
| yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
fuck bitches.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
| | |
| life is great. im feeling so good. i got 5 letters of compliments from work today and got a raise. not bad for an intern. i got free day off with pay and two pots of flowers.
then
carol suprised me with tickets to see lil wayne, swizz beats, cassidy and birdman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i am going to suprise her with tickets to see kanye west, NERD, lupe fiasco and rihanna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND EVEN BETTER
IM GOING TO FLORIDA FOR SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg i love life
| | |
| so i had this long talk with my cousin and i think i m going to be all right. i never talked to my cousin tina for this long, in person or on the phone. she called me to see how i was doing. she made me realize, my sister is still a little girl and that no matter what, she is gonna think she is right. i understand i get aggresive and that she is just being defensive and that it makes it hard for both. she was hurt in a period which was critical to her growth and i see that. its frustrating that she is so naive. her image of a big brother is that im supposed to do things for my little sister. she thinks im supposed to do it and if i dont, im not a good brother. her dream of a family is so mentally fucked up that she thinks i am the one that is causing anguish. im at a place where i dont need to over analyze things so much. its not just my mom but all my aunts are teh same. they say things no mother should say but they think its okay cause it happened to them, even if they dont really believe in it. she needs someone there for her and the only person is my sister. my sister feeds on my moms vunerbility(sp) so naturally my sister would get the good part while i get leftovers. its a sad thing to realize but it is what it is. and i cant do shit about it.
so i tell my girlfriend everything and EVERYTHING about our relationship, how i feel, what i dont want and what i do want... and its amazing. im on probation and of course im not gonna fuck it up. i was at a point of the relationship where i didnt give a fuck and it blinded me and blocked me from what treasure i had in front of me. i hit the jackpot, not her. i am the one fucking it up and i do realize it. and I DO REAlZE IT. the bad thing about not being offiicial is that you can do what you want but you still are with another person. and i think thats the flaw in our relationship and i feel that she is right when she wants us to make it official. i just dont want to be held down, im in college, im young and im ready to boogie without having to worry about hurting someone. but you know what, its a sacrafice i have to make to be with her. i dont know if itll work but ill try my best. it could be puppy love fading, i dont know. she told me that the last thing on earth she would want is to lose me. i never had anyone say that to me. i think the reason im hurting her is because i dont know how to handle my love for her. i never had such strong emotions, i never had someone feel that way to me and i push her away because i dont want to change the emotions. her mom invited me to the bahamas for spring break but who knows what ill do.
as for friends, i used to feel like it was my fault for being so distant to my friends back home. but after this weekend, i realize theres two sides to a phone line. i am always the one calling them and trying to hang out. i am the one trying to make an effort in a friendship thats slowly dying. they dont call me. i tried so hard for the past two years to push the 'we are all boys" thing but in the end i guess its not meant to be. it really sucks , like really sucks to realize your "boys" arent your boys anymore. it could be that im far from home but i dont see them putting effort as i do. but thats life, i cant do anything about it. these past two months have been downhill for me and its sad to see when i need help, i cant turn to my boys.and as sad as it may seem, i just want to leave my friends from jersey behind because they obviously left me long ago.
my job is so fun yet i feel unchallenged. i meet famous people yet i feel this job is a facade. i act like i care for clients but i really dont. jenifer aniston, you are the most down to earth woman iv met but your movies suck. i just cant wait for this cycle to end and go back to school.
as for me, i tihnk that my path should keep going as it does. no need to change it because thats how its life is. changes, as painful as they are, to me or to my friends and family, are gonna happen. everytime i go to my myspace i see "stay true to yourself forever" and thats what im going to do.
From: Tina Valen
"U r insightful & strong. More than I was when I was ur age. Dont let ur insight hurt u. Use it to ur advantage by helping those u luv. Dont let it drain u"
what i did this weekend. tam was feeling a little down so i invited her to philly (she lives in washington dc btw) and she took a two hour train. i took her out to a party and after that headed home. she slept on my bed while i slepted on the floor. my nosy sister prolly thought i was cheating on my girlfriend cause another friend slept over before. i dont cheat on my girlfriend jsut wanting to get it off my chest.(my sister just loves to make me and my dad look bad) we went to myras where tam waited with me to get my hair cut. then i took tam to woodstown and dropped her off at her boyfriends. i picked up tony and we chilled and watched cloverfield. he sleptover and i took him home the next day. i didnt talk to my mom or sister once this weekend but i feel like i am in the right. i want to show my mom that i DO NOT have to be obediant because she is my mom. i will be obediant and loving WHEN I AM, not because i HAVE to do it. ill be nice because im nice, not because i have to. and my mom needs to relaize she cant push me around.
and to anyone reading my xanga, i didnt write it for you, i wrote it for myself. | | |
|
