wow, i haven't updated this joint in AWHILEEEE!

i just came to say how much i loveee my friends!  i love them all!

what's wrong with me.

i thought i'd get over him, but i only miss him more.  i thought being separated solved everything, but apparently not.  everytime i see someone my standards come to his.

i thought i had control of my life... but seemingly it is he who has control over me...

ok, my xanga's slowly coming back...  i'm not gonna mess with my html or anything, anymore... but... still my entries are coming back.

so i've learned that i love umbc.  i thought i would hate it because it was so close to home and my certain significant other wasn't here, but... i was only so oblivious to know that there are soooooo many new faces and opportunities set here for me.

i met so many new, cool people: dominique, sarah, susanna, matt, jon, jon, mike, greg... and of course my old friends here...  i love them all.  they make me happy; they make me whom i am.  thanks, y'all.

i seriously thought about leaving to cp this spring sem. but i decided not to.  i want to stay here with my new friends -- i was so dumb-founded to think that i would hate it here...  what was i thinking........?

i'm scared... i'm scared of the fact that everything gonna be new and changed.  i can't believe my friends are... gone; i can't believe we won't be ever the same; i can't believe this is ultimately taking over: distance.  no matter what, you guys... i will never forget the things we had together... my memories... my thoughts... my appreciations to you guys are things that will not malleate according to time.

of above all things, although you or anyone will be reading this... but... matt, you, especially, are one person that i can never forget.  spending and talking everyday throughout this year... and now to just... leave a gap between us... is the hardest thing i would ever have to go through, and is the hardest thing i'm going through right now.  matt, you may think my apologies are simply meaningless words, but... i'm truly sorry of all the troubles i've caused in your life.  i've tried to force something that is not mutual, and that has caused tremendous pain in both of our lives.  i truly hope for only the best in your life.  please be well...  i can never face you again... after all the stupid things i've done.  so... just... hear my thoughts and... be safe... marry a beautiful wife who will make me jealous for the rest of our lives... and have billions of beautiful matt jr's.  that is my favor asked upon you...  i ask for no forgiveness or friendship in return...  just...  live a happy life and die happy.

as for me you guys... i have a long, difficult journey ahead of me.  and matt, your decision is the wise one.  i don't know why i decided to live this way...  but hoepfully one day, all this work would pay off and i will, too, be appreciative of love and life.

thank you for everything.  do well in college, all of you.  and matt, have a blast with ben.  take care of each other...  come out of college as best friends.  i love you all...  and forever farewell to you all.

this will be my last post.

i don't know how to feel; i feel disappointment, anger, remorse, and confused.

i will never... again.