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| what makes a man a man?
i was talking
to my dad earlier today about how my grandpa was doing and it's getting
worse. it turns out that cause his lungs are so weak, his right side of
his heart is getting weak too and if this keeps going then it'll mean
he'll die faster than we thought. i just found this to be really sad,
cause honestly today i missed my uncle so much. there are days when i
feel really sad and all i want to do is see uncle ian. most of those
days were when i'd be with you cause you were the only person outside
of my family with whom i talked about my uncle and today i just
remembered all the hard times my uncle went through before he died and
it just wasn't fair. my mom tells me a lot that i'm just like my uncle,
even my uncle was afriad when i was young saying that i had the exact
same personality as him growing up and he didn't want me turning into
what he was. if he was here, i know he and i would get a long so well,
and it's thinking about stuff like this that makes me wish he died
maybe 5 years later, when i could get to know him a little more. i
guess it's this injustice of the spirit and of the mind that stirs me
to believe there's hope for everyone. that the moments we have with
those around us are truly special moments and if we let those go to
waste, aren't we also ones to contribute to the very injustice i
complained about? ever since uncle ian died, my grandparents were never
the same. the night before my uncle died, (i've told you this before i
think) he stole a lot of money from our family and from my grandpa and
the first thing my grandpa did was kick him out of the house. then that
night, my uncle went to a homeless shelter and he died in his sleep.
ever since then, our grandpa doesn't go take walks like he used to, he
doesn't read anymore, and he's more pissed off than before. and i pray.
i pray a lot for his salvation, and for the restoration of his mind.
and although i get so annoyed at my grandpa for yelling at my
incompetence or my lack of foresight, i can't help but grieve thinking
of how much regret must be locked up in his heart. i guess i'll leave that to God. | | |
| now, i guess this is the real "see you later". i had never shed a tear up until this moment and when it came, i couldn't stop crying. it's a sad thing, knowing that you'll see her one day, but still not sure what is to come. one year is a long time. maybe too long, and with that time, people change. i'll be praying for her, praying that God keeps her safe, keeps her happy, and keeps her from loneliness. i already miss her and i don't know how much pain i can take. there have been great memories, some will carry over all through my life. there have also been a fair share of heart aches, we've talked about them and we've resolved them well, but it leaves a lasting impression.
i want to build a time machine. i can't handle the wait, i wish we were older. my hope is that a memory of us will last forever in both of our heads. So that i can actually sleep at night. i love you. | | |
| "Let us spend one day as deliberately as Nature, and not be thrown off the track by every nutshell and mosquito's wing that falls on the rails." --Henry David Thoreau I have my entire life wrapped up around the English language. I even took THE AP Calc test this morning and the first thing i did after i had finished? i helped a friend grade his English paper. It is alright, because i have discovered that right now, school is almost over for me. that's right, about 4 more days left, then i'm done. i have never had to read so much in my life, all because one woman said "you have potential" so i wanted to prove her right. in a never ending spiral, i guess i did prove her right, but at such a great cost. now, i'm left to reap the sorrow. the greatest shame? i'll probably forget half of this in about two years, that's real sadness right there. | | |
| i feel like i have invested too much in this. its a really awkward feeling, to realize your in it more than that other person. you say things, you do things, you react in ways you thought held meanings. you hoped they were like little investments that would someday be repaid in a soft, gentle way. terrifically, in a precise moment, when the emotions had been stewing in me for quite some time. i found the answer to what i had been lulling over for quite some time. quite honestly, i wasn't expecting the answer, but deep down, i knew it was coming. i was able to see the signs and foretell that it was the most likely and probable answer to my question, and i was still disappointed. why? cause naturally, i had invested too much into it, and i got hurt. i guess we just have to pick ourselves up and see where we go from here. i can tell its going to be a while before i can understand what was the secret motives behind both sides, and i am not sure if i really want to know the answer to that. right now, at this moment, all alone in my thoughts, confined within my headphones: i will carry on, you'll never notice a difference, cause i know whats best. and when this ends in a couple of months, it will be sweet release. | | |
| im so sorry for you. its not even my fault, everyone knows it, but i'm still so sorry. its not fair. so you have every right to be mad, you didn't deserve it. this is not where i sit you down and tell you the answer to your problems, the three-fold program that will cure you of your saddness. i am going to be that friend, sitting with you on your porch, and crying with you. you shouldn't try and erase the pain, but i am not going to say anymore, it doesn't amount to what your going through right now. i love you guys. "they say the good they die young
they say the wicked live too long
I hope yer hearin' this in heaven
now that yer gone i hear a song
sung to me ten angels strong
it hurts to leave but at least your free" -The Confession | | |
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