xXxbangyourheadxXx's Xanga

a blog on myspace

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 19:48:32 GMT

I started writing a song today. It goes something like this…

“I spent one whole day without you

And I’m not doing so well

Just one whole day without you

Feels like an eternity in Hell”

My feelings are this….

I have nobody to blame. I have nobody but myself. I can’t stand myself. I hate me sometimes!!! I ask questions I don’t want to know the answer to a lot of the times cause I’m scared of what the answer will turn out to be. I am scared to be alone. And I am all the time. That’s why I call her all the time. I'm lonely. I'm really really lonely. I don’t know why. Maybe its because I have no friends where I live and I go to work in the morning and come home to an empty house in the evening.

I feel so close to her when I just hear her voice. Its so soft, angelic and crisp…innocent. Its beautiful. She is beautiful. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I cant stand it…I'm about to go insane.

There is a good side to this though. I have something to look forward to. When we get back together we are going to be so crazy about each other. She promised me. SHE PROMISED ME!!!

WE ARE GOING TO GET BACK TOGETHER

I'm crying now

I'm so sad. I cant stand this. It hurts. It hurts it hurts. I feel like I have nothing anymore. And she didn’t take anything from me…I lost it all. That’s what I feel like. I feel like I just totally destroyed something that was amazing. I feel so alone. I hate it! I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!!

Why do I always seem to mess things up? Why am I always the one that…..ugh. I'm not even going to finish.

HE doesn’t think I am good enough to her! I got news for him. I never lied to her! I’m the best boyfriend she can ever have…not him! I don’t know him that well, and obviously her doesn’t like me…and I really don’t care too much for him. He just wants her back. He hates me. I don’t hate him.

I try so hard to be a nice guy. I try really hard to make her happy. Its all worth it! Just to see a smile on her face, that lets me know why I exist. I LOVE HER SO MUCH! I don’t know what I am going to do without her. I don’t know how long I am going to have to wait for her to sort out what she is going through. Why cant she let me be there with her? I don’t know… She doesn’t have to go through this alone. She can have me. I WANT TO BE THERE FOR HER!!! I feel like she doesn’t want me. Shes not happy with me. Shes not happy being with me. She wants to date me, and she doesn’t. That breaks me heart!!!!

I will be with her to the end of eternity. I WILL!!! I love her. I will love her no matter what. If she is as big as a house, if she cut her hair, if the got 10 million holes in her nose, if she got covered in ink. I WILL LOVE HER!!!!

She loves me. She told me so. She loves me…she loves me…she loves me. . .

Please come back baby….please…..I love you

What I Feel About Her

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 13:53:03 GMT

So basically, here is my scoop. Here is what is on my mind. Here is what makes me different from most guys, here is what scares me, and here is what I love more than anything in the world.

My love for Kimberly Ann Mushinski is nothing like I have ever experienced before in my entire life. It’s like before I was involved with her, I was just alone, not bothered, content, and lonely. Now, it seems like I’m working for two, breathing for two, and eating for two. Its like, I found a missing piece that I have been looking for my entire life. I can’t believe it!

She does things to me. She makes me mind, obey, be nice, not cuss, drink, etc. She makes me want to become a better person. It’s not what she asks; it’s what I want to do. She doesn’t tell me, “Kik, you mind me!” I choose to! I guess, she might somehow expect me to in a way, but still, I think if I didn’t want to listen to her and obey her, then I wouldn’t have to.

She rules me with an iron fist. This is something that was told to me not to long ago by a close friend. I couldn’t help but agree with him! He is right she does rule me with an iron fist. And while most guys wouldn’t put up with it, I can’t get enough of it! I love it when she tells me that I am going to do something! I love it when she tells me, “Kik, you aren’t going to win this one.” A lot of the times I try to intimidate her and try to get her to do something, so I will count, you know, like you would a young child? Well, when I get to, “One…..” she looks at me with those beautiful eyes of hers, smiles, and says, “two…..” and eggs me on. She dares me to finish. (For the record, I don’t!)

Things like this I can’t get enough of! She spends way too much money on me! She lost a jacket of mine and I feel bad because she went and got me another jacket that costs way more than the one that she lost. I didn’t even expect her to buy me another jacket. I wasn’t worried about it. It was a stupid jacket. That’s something that can be replaced. She got me a new jacket because she says that she knew that was what I wanted. She didn’t even flinch when the salesman told her the price. Secretly, I cried when I was alone with it.

She takes care of me! She fixes me food, she picks up my plate, and tells me that that I am going to sit down and she can take care of everything! She gives me back massages, runs her hands thru my hair, takes care of my cuticles, and listens to me when I need someone to talk to!

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank God for her. She is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and I swear to God that I am not going to let her go! I will do anything I can to stay with her. I don’t care what it costs or what it involves. I don’t care! I gave my heart to her and in doing so, I gave her my life! She is the reason why I exist, why I breathe, why I do what I do, and why I am the way I am. She is the reason that makes me get out of bed in the morning and continue with my life. She is the reason why I want to better my tomorrow! She is the reason why I am me today!

Needless to say, I love her! She makes me so happy! She doesn’t even realize what I feel or anything! I wish I could tell her. I mean, seriously, right now I am on the verge of tears writing this! I love her so much! Some people tell me that I am so mushy mushy with my girlfriend but that’s not what I’m trying to be, I'm trying to let the world know how I am! What makes me me! What I GOT! I'm trying to proclaim my love for Kimberly!

We have this thing, something that I'm going to close this with. It’s called forever and ever. Forever and ever symbolizes our relationship, our love and our future. One night we were lying on my friends’ hammock and we were talking about how long we are going to be there for one another and I told her that I would be there for her forever. She in response said, “and ever?” Then I replied, “forever and ever!” Today this still rings in my head every time I think of her, touch her, smell her, talk to her, hold her, hug her, kiss her, dream of her, and look at her.

I'm sorry, but I'm excited! I'm with someone that I am going to spend the rest of my life with! Something that I’ve been scared of my entire life! I'm totally stoked about! I can’t wait! I love this girl so entirely much! Together, we are going to spend eternity with each other! Forever and ever

...hadn't written in a while.

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 19:45:00 GMT

Saturday was good

performance seemed pretty good

but my life is going down hill.

Im still drowning.

Im in love with the girl of my dreams

and i want to give her the world.

She doesnt know how much she means to me.

this is the first time i have ever felt like this before.

sure, there have been other girls, but none of which i have loved.

I have never been in love before

I'm scared.

Im terrified.

I can do magic

My life is so confusing right now.

I dont know where its going or where it is right now.

Its like im being lead into a dark room carrying other peoples baggage in hopes that i might find the RIGHT door to open.

Im scared i will find the wrong door.

if it wasnt for bad luck, i wouldnt have luck at all

You dont drown by being thrown in water

you drown by staying there.

but i cant get out!

She wants to help, but i dont want her to get wet.

make sense?

i have to get out some how before i drown

its litertally killing me inside.

i cry, yeah, i know

i cry alot.

nobody really knows.

i get emotional

I just want to be normal.

I want to be able to talk to her.

I want that so bad!

but i cant. i dont know why,

its hard for me to do

but i love her nonetheless

I am making progress

but very little

someday, somehow, i will be better

but for right now, i still sit in my corner

i still splash in the water

and i need her so much!

wow look at this

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 11:58:47 GMT

we had our first show as a band last night. It was GREAT! funny thing was, we had the biggest crowd, made the most money, and the dude that owns the place wants us to come back and really likes us!!! Its amazing! anyways, go here for pictures!

www.enverness.com

I'm So Bad!

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 23:08:04 GMT

I totally missed church Sunday

and guess what?

I'm going to miss it again, this comming Sunday too!

o0o0..So bad....So bad. lol

Get this, ok, it kinda irratates me, but listen. What a crazy weekend I have had....As usual.

Friday. I went to work, then school. Now, I was sitting in class and my phone rang. it just rang twice and so I picked it up and looked at it. ONE MISSED CALL. So I was like, "OK" Then, I saw who it was..MARY HINES!

OMG! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE MARY!!!!

I havent talked to her in like over a year and a half. So, I called her back...caught her at a bad time, then she called me back on my way home from school...

I totally talked on the phone with her for like 3 hours! It was MMM-AZING!

So, I watch Encino Man and go to bed at like 4am. WAke up Saturday and go to a baseball game my kids had...

We lost. First loss...but we still hold first place.

LEave the game and go to Cypress. (houston)

We had band practice, I got irratated with the guys. ARG!

Then we went back and went to go hang out with Lindsey and all her friends.

now, this got REALLY REALLY interesting. lol

We were greeted so warmly by the females. EVER SO WARMLY!

Infact, when they introduced me to this one girl, GLENNA

She hugged me. I DIDNT KNOW HER BIKINI WAS WET!!!

NEedless to say, I got to walk around the rest of the night with two HUGE oval prints on my shirt.

then I sit down, later on, and she sits on my leg. WTF?

she starts dancing like Shakira or something...I dont know what her intentions where...but i was like...Uh...NO!

lol.

It was so funny.

We went back to our house, (jays house...my weekend home) and sat and talked. Khara came with us. We lied on the couch and told stupid stories until 7 in the morning. Then her dad called wondering wher she was at...lol...SHE LIED...lol. its all good.

She left and so I went to bed at 7 30. Woke up at 10 and went swimming and then to band practice. LEFT band practice and went swimming again. then hung out for the rest of the night.

I got to take my drunk friend STEPHEN to iHOP last night...well actually it was like 4 this morning. and it was fun. He is a total ass when he is drunk.

but I had fun. I wrote a new song. Its acoustic and orgasmic! The girls loved it.

Thats what matters...right?...lol

anyways, Im playing in huntsville Saturday. YAY! fun times. there will be an after party..and I WILL BE THERE!!!!

but secretly,

I'm going down

I am SO PISSED

at everyone

and God

I take things out on people

and I have a short fuse.

I want Nick out of the hospital

I saw him today.

I cried when I left

I cant stand to look at him like that

And know that they dont know whats wrong

This is shit

The Edge

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 22:05:33 GMT

I'm hanging on by my fingernails

I feel like letting go

Im gonna stop myself this time

maybe

I died a few months ago

but now, Im alive and strong

this isnt the first time its happened

why cant I stay burried?

Hungry?

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 22:50:49 GMT

I have alot on my mind right now

I got alot on my plate.

Im already full

but yet i still search the table for something else.

What am i looking for?

I have come to a conclusion

I must deal with whats in front of me before i search for something else

But I still dont know what i want.

there isnt anyone that knows.

.:heres to lowering caskets of old friends

choice and consequence

we birth a new day with the death of an old

and start over:.

.:Heres to burying hatchets of those who

you never called your friends

we birth a new day with the death of an old

and start over:.

:you let yourself get carried away...

dont act like your ashamed:

OvErDrIvE

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 18:15:47 GMT

I get torn

my life is all empty

was it all for

when this pain strikes thru me

It's Better Rich

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 22:08:55 GMT

Im sitting here watching Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This is the first time i have watched it since i was like in the third grade.

Now, we all know the story. There are 5 tickets hidden in the chocolate bars and the people who find these tickets will not only have a lifetime supply of Wonka Bars, but also be able to go into the Chocolate Factory. The first kid that gets a ticket is a fat kid from Germany. He is an ungreatful kid who seems to be just like his parents. I guess the apple doesnt fall too far from the tree.

The real stinger is the second kid that finds the "Golden Ticket." She is SPOILED ROTTEN!!! For those of you that dont remember, let me go over it. Her dad owns a factory of some sort, he has all his factory workers do nothing but open chocolate bars 24/7. Hence, the dads whole factory is shut down so his daughter can have a golden ticket. The whole time his daughter is riding her dads butt because his workers have not found "her ticket" yet. uhh, thats CRAP!

Whats my point? My point is this, We take things for granted. For instance, I wake up every morning and go to work. Monday thru friday 7-4. I work hard and sometimes i hardly work. but here is the kicker. I work, everyday. I do physical labor so i can have a paycheck everyweek. I do this so i can buy the things that i need, want and then have a few extra bucks to take Hailee out on the weekends.

Every dollar I make I dont think about. I think about the paycheck. The total. I dont think about every minute or every hour that I work and actually EARN what i get. I dont think about any of that. I just think, "oh wow, I got an extra $500 bucks this week! Another week gone, another paycheck on its way."

Key word here is, "EARN." do we really earn what we get? and do we really think about the costs and sacrifices in the end? What about letting others earn? yeah, Like, why not give to those who tried to have the things you have but only, they didnt succeed. I have been thinking about this the last week. I was sitting at a red light in baytown on my way to a job and I saw a homeless man. I saw him, looked at him, but them I watched him. I observed his eyes, his hands, his lips, the way he walked, the way he searched the cars for hope. He was out looking for something, anything, that would help him. My feelings changed quickly. They changed from heartless sympathy to compassion. I actually felt a burden placed on my shoulders. I thought about my wallet. I knew I had plenty of money in there I didnt know how much, but i knew I had a few hundreds and a couple of fifties.

As I watched the man, slowly come my way, I got to thinking. I spend so much money jacking around, taking people out, going out to eat, I mean heck, I just blew away $700 the other night on a guitar amp.Surely I can find a way to give up some of that money that would help someone else.

So as the man approached my truck, I reached for my wallet and I realized I already had it in my hand. I dug among the hundreds and fifties. I found a couple of twenties, but i decided on a ten. I slowly pulled it out and folded it so the man couldnt see how much it was. He got closer to me and I slowly rolled down my window and got his attention by a simple, "Hey buddy." I tried not to waive it in front of everybody so i kept it close to my car. The man reached for it and I gave it to him. As he grabbed it, he looked at me and smiled. In his eye was a pain but there was a sign of hope I have only seen in the eyes of my grandpa right before he died two years ago. It pierced me like a knife. "Thank you sir. May God bless you." is the way he replied. I couldnt speak. I didnt know what else to say. I was awestruck. I have never had anything like this happen to me before.

As I drove away, I thought to myself about everything. How long was he standing out there? How much money does he normally collect? What does he buy with it? Then I thought, it doesnt matter and it is none of my business. I acted on conviction and compassion. and as I turned that left turn to work i thought more about the homeless man and the money i gave him. I thought about the money I blow away without caring and I thought about reaping what I sew. for instance, I had just been out to eat. I spent $13 or so. I would be hungry in about 2 hours after that. A week and a half later, I still get joy out of helping that man earn his way thru life. A week and a half later I still feel that feeling inside me what he said, "May God bless you." A week and a half later I still see the hope in his eyes. And a week and a half later, I am still wishing i would have gave more.

SUCK!!!! with an "S"

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 17:41:23 GMT

yeah, it does.

Ok, back at hpu, i had great friends. The cream of the crop (or whatever it is)

We ruled that school. anyways, we were such great friends. we always hung out together, talked to each other about anythign and everything. then something happened. I transferred.

Well, a few weeks after i say goodbye, I try to call a few people, my former friends. No one returned my call. So I email, I got 2 replies out of like 5.

So i let it pass for like 3 months. i try again....

I call, no answers. just voicemails.

I got no returns.

Some friends I have.

No one returns my calls at all.

something was brought to my attention today. this girl. Jessica, said something about me being 20 and them being 16, 17 and 18. She said something about me hanging out with people my own age.

It got to me, it really did. but she doesnt realize that i really dont know people here that are my age and that i actually want to be around. All the people I know that are close to my age are drunks. Sorry, I dont drink anymore.

It sucks, it really does.

But soon this rough patch that i am going thru will pass and i will come out stroner than i was before!

I praise God for everything he has allowed me to go thru and all the obsticles that i have overcome, because if it wasnt for Him, I would still be lost, out in the woods, among the thorns and the snakes. Searching in the dark, looking for answers i would never find.