Should I send this?

These girls from my highschool last year added me on bebo, wanting to be my friends after I deleted them. I got sick of wanting to be their friends after realising they weren't as nice as they seemed when I first met them. I wanted to be friends with them but was too nervous for the first two years I spent around them. I then heard them talking about me on the way back to class after assembily and they really hurt my feelings and I decided I wanted nothing to do with them. Anyway I just about left this comment on one of their bebo's:

"Ok, Hey Jess

I hate doing this, but you only live once, and there's been things I've been dying to say for years.

There may be a high chance of you showing your friends this and dissing me, but I couldn't care less.

I think you are a really great girl, pretty, smart and funny. The thing is, you have no right to treat other people, like me, like we're worth nothing.

I've heard you and Sarah gossip about me and my friends, and I don't know if you still do it or if you've grown up since going away to University, but it has to stop.

You don't know the first thing about me. Ok I say lots of really silly things when I get excited or am put in the spotlight (like in Social Studies) and I don't have the coolest clothes most of the time, but I am a person and I deserve to be treated with respect.

I always thought you were an amazing girl and I wanted to get to know you better(also wanted to steal your hair haha!) but yeah. I'm not really sure why you made me a bebo friend...
but I just think you are really cool, and you have so much more potential than being the girl who talks about people behind their back, or makes them feel like crap. I've heard things about me that have ruined my day. I've only heard you guys talk about me once, but it stung. I've heard things you've said about other people too and it sucks.

I just want to apologise for a few things though. You never saw the real me. Sure you saw snippets, but I'm really that nutty, spontaneous, confident, happy and bubbly person but I've been crushed by years of bullying. I changed to Girls High for a new start but chickened out and went back into my shell. I was scared to be myself.

This is me. It has taken a long time and alot of support from my friends but I would appreciate it if you would give me another chance. I am willing to do the same for you, if you can prove you are worth my time.

Also, I know some of my clothes were really ugly and I dressed like a bag lady, but thats ok.
Things change. I'm not the same person. I no longer complain about being heavy or ugly, or stupid, because in reality, I'm none of those things. I'm beautiful, smart and fun to be around, and all of my friends would agree. I have over 300 on bebo, but probably only about 30 or 40 in reality. The rest are just people I've met briefly at school or at different places I've been.

I've lost close to fifteen kilo's this year and even though its been hard, every piece of cake I've sacrificed and every hour I've wasted in the gym has been worth it.

I hope that everything is going great for you, and that you will reply to this. Hopefully I am mistaken about who you are, and if I am I would love to be filled in. I realise I don't know alot about you but I'm willing to learn if you will give me some time.

Have a lovely week, and I hope that University goes great for you. I bet you will come in at the top of all your classes cause you always did so well at school. Good luck!"

Was I crazy? should I send  it as an email and it isn't in a place all their friends can see and they can rant at me?

What would you do?

Also, should I rephrase anything? I posted this on yahoo answers and got these comments...

"I wouldn't send that. You sound like you are falling all over her. Like it matters too much to you how she feels about you. Just move on and find new friends. If you are meant to be friends with this girl, it should come naturally."

and

"f I was your friend and sent that, I'd honestly laugh. Not because the content itself is funny, but you sound like you're in love with her: you two just broke up and you want her back. So don't send that, and if you already did, remove it. Even if you send it as an email, she can "Forward" it to all her friends..."

Note: I've never been friends with this girl. I used to have a slight crush on her when I was confused about my sexuality for a while (now I know for sure I am completely straight, and have lost all interest in females, besides wanting to look like certain people.) and I wanted to be her friend, but I overheard her and her friends dissing me and then decided I wanted nothing to do with any of them.

Do you think it sounds like I'm sending this to an ex boyfriend or something? That wasn't the intention. The intention was to sound as honest as possible. Also, I think its important that someone sets these girls straight and talks to them honestly. They have no right to tell me or any other person that they aren't cool or worth their time because they aren't as pretty, smart or intelligent as them. Being friends does not come naturally with anyone for me. I have to work at just about every single relationship I encounter to get good results. Also the friend you're looking for may look different from the outside, so it's important to mingle with heaps of people right?

Also, I did leave this on bebo, then decided it was a bad idea to display it like that. I don't want 800 girls on my bebo standing up for her and telling me I am a freakshow. I mean who really needs that kind of attention?

I used to have this friend called Julie when I was in third and fourth form. I thought she was amazing, but to be perfectly honest, she could be brutely honest, she wasn't very supportive and she only wanted to hang out with me when she had nothing better to do. She was a good friend considering she stuck with me even though everyone else hated me, and she insisted she didn't just hang out with me because she felt sorry for me (I wasn't an easy person to be around, as I was being bullied severly and my self esteem was extremely low!) but she never made me feel any better when I was upset and she made me feel like everything that happened was my fault because I was weak and not good enough, when in reality the people giving me a hard time were vicious, unforgiving and just plain nasty.

Ever since changing schools three years ago to escape, we lost contact and I felt like a chunk of my heart was missing. Even though she didn't fill alot of the friend I needed she was alot of fun to be around and it was cool having her by my side. I needed alot more from a friend, but it was kind of unfair to place those expectations on her since she already had best friends, she was only one person, I was extremely needy and unhappy and she wasn't that sort of person. I missed the honesty, her sense of humour and the good times. Thanks to bebo, I decided to get back in contact. It hasn't been easy.

I've decided I need to have some self-respect and dignity dealing with this though, because even though I was getting bullied extremely badly, she refused to acknowledge it, and became good friends with the people causing it. I can't really blame her for that because they were extremely nice to everyone but me, extremely manipulative and horrible, and even though I have forgiven them, I cannot bring myself to talk to them again until I've recieved some kind of apology. It's the least they could do after the hell they put me through!

I want her to see me as an equal and to realise that I might have been looking for sympathy, but I wasn't making things up to get attention. I was a bit of a drama queen but the things that happened were real and I wasn't simply looking for attention. Why the hell would any sane person invent a story about bullying? It made me so miserable I cried myself to sleep every night for two years solid, and it has stuffed me up in so many ways. I've nearly made a full recovery and I have grown alot mentally since those days, learning alot in retrospect, but I'm not willing to go back to leeting people walk over me, or treat me lower than a piece of old gum, because in my eyes, and the eyes of God, every girl is a princess, including me and deserves to be treated with respect!

If me and Julie are to be friends again, I want her to treat me with respect. I want a brand new relationship with none of the past coming back-up, and I don't want to relive old times, because it wasn't so great, but I think despite her flaws, she's the kind of friend every girl needs. Anyway here is our conversation (thanks bebo!):

-She actually started the conversation at first, after I added her as a friend...

Julie- OMG!! hey you! how's it going?! you still in NP? was it you i saw at warehouse the other day? it looked like you but i wasn't sure because it's been so long!!!!! love to hear what you've been up to for the last few years! haha!

Stephanie- Yup that would've been me. I was just like wow there's Julie... than Tanya, then your mum then your other two sisters. Did your mum ever end up marrying Bob?

I'm living here for now, but I'll probably go to Auckland next year for an Intermissions course at Carey College, then I would like to go overseas as an Au Pair for a while. There’s this place called Team Xtreme that works with highschool students and provides mentoring, support and stuff. It sounds really good to me.

You know those Sex Education shows that used to come to our school every year with the whole Hannah Hannah joke and that guy who drove his bike into a parked bus when he was trying to impress some girls? I think there would be some similar stuff to that, except you visit the same schools for 2 hours a week for 2 terms so you really get a change to support kids in need. We could get coffee sometime if you wanted. Where are you residing?

Julie- you should've come said hi!! haha, nah they didn't- they broke up last year.
oh that sounds great! you've so lucky to have a plan- i've stil got no idea what im gona do next!! haha
Im in wellington this year studying at victoria, but i'd love to catch up for coffee when im back in NP next!

Stephanie- Don't feel bad. My plan has changed about 180 times. Remember how in 3rd and 4th form I was the most disorganised girl ever? Well nothing has really changed. I got University Entrance and passed NCEA in the end so I didn't do too bad for the world's biggest procrastinator.

You have no idea how thrilled I am to speak to you again. I felt kind of mad about the Belinda and Kristy thing for a while, but they are amazing too, and I have to say I have missed you alot. I have more friends than I could have ever imagined now but I've never found someone quite like you and I really treasure the time we hung out.

I would pay just about anything to call us friends again, to dance around in your lounge and to spend time with you. I have always admired your honesty and your sense of humour, and you are just a really amazing girl.

I don't really drink coffee though, so I'll probably get a hot chocolate. I'm a classy lady!

Have an amazing evening!

Julie- hey, sorry its taken me so fricken long! haha
its good to speak to you again too
what belinda and kristy thing ya talking about? im confused!
haha, algood i dont drink coffee either- much prefer hot choc!

Stephanie G- I guess when we first started hanging out it was just me and you, then Belinda joined us and things were great for a while then I started to get left out, then you guys started to fight and I managed to wedge myself right in the centre (like when you guys both decided not to come to my party cause the other person would be there- that night sucked) and then you and Kristy started hanging out and playing those isolation game where everytime I talked you'd walk off or talk about a buzzing sound. Don't worry, it was a long time ago and most third and fourth formers can be slightly nutty. I know I wasn't an easy person to be friends with alot of the time, but after spending all that time with people harrassing me I didn't have alot of confidence left. It was so long ago now. I don't even know why I mentioned it. Funny cause I remember Spotty stuff alot more vivardly than 5th and 6th form. MMM Hot Chocolates. I could do with one right now. I also like Tea, weird eh?

Julie- wow, yeah... thats not quite how i remenmmber it ay...
i dont know what party you're talking about, when me and belinda were fighting we both came to your bday party.
as for the 'isolation game' as you called it- i remember the pretending not to hear ppl and making a buzzing noise whan they speak, it was just a silly joke. and please dont pretend it was just you we did that to, me and kristy did it to each other and other people as well.
you're right, it was a very long time ago.

Stephanie- Well most of my memories of S-------- weren't exactly pleasant. I don't remember you doing that stuff to other people, but it's cool you found it funny. After a while everything that happened tore me apart, so don't feel too bad about it. It wasn't my birthday party, it was the one after Robyn's birthday that I'd arranged weeks and weeks in advance (I think, not 100% sure.) I don't know what you got up to with other people and I apologise for any offence caused. I didn't mean too delve into ancient history, it's just been on my mind for the last few years. It hurts sooo much. It's okay though, I would never have labelled you, Kristy or Belinda bullies or anything, because I know third and fourth form is tough on everyone.

Julie- You're definately right about 3rd and 4th form being hard years for everyone. Im sorry that it still hurts so much and you haven't been able to let go of the past, maybe you should try harder because almost everyone else has.

Stephanie- I have let go off the past. That's not the issue. I just want to know that I can trust you after all this time. Alot of the things that happened in those years stung alot, and you weren't always the most supportive friend. I loved spending time with you, and would love to create new memories and leave that stuff in the past, but I just want you to acknowledge that stuff happened, because it nearly killed me. After this discussion, I don't ever want to mention it again, but if you still think I'm an over the top drama queen who is looking for sympathy, it's a friendship I can do without. I have alot of friends now and I can survive if that's the case. I hope I'm just being silly, and you do realise the effects those years had on me, but if not, I guess it's goodbye.

I hope not though. That would suck.

Ending on a positive note, I would just like to say I always appreciated your honesty and your sense of humour. I hope life is treating you well.

If this is the end, tell me!!!

Anyway, I'm really worried. I don't want to sound like a loser or scare her off, but I think it's important I state from the start that those things hurt me, and if we're gonna meet up for coffee or hang-out again, she needs to acknowledge what happened because it was such a big part of our past. What do you think. Am I crazy? did I do the right thing? Would you want to be friends with me based on this?

I've decided to start updating again. I've gotten really bored lately, I need a better record of my life and I miss all my xanga buddies!!! Aww! I'm in Christchurch at the moment and in the next hour we will be moving towards Nelson. It was my older sister's 25th birthday so we come down to visit.

I deleted my youtube account because people there have been seriously nasty about my video's. It's weird because I put alot of work into them and people just don't seem to appreaciate them. I think I'll upload them to xanga because you guys are alot nicer about that sort of thing.

Also another reason I decided to start writing again is because I've noticed some social scenario's where people are really negative around me. I've decided the solution is to start writing more about my opinions and how I feel about things because people just don't want to know. Also as soon as people find out I'm a christian, they give me looks like I'm a bigot or an alien from outer space, which isn't really fair. I'm probably the least judgemental person you'll ever met, and I understand that everyone comes from different walks of life and has different points of view and reasons for believing what they believe.

Hey Sophie. Don't know if you'll ever see this, but Dad said the American postal service loses about 10% of it's mail. That's really really shocking! I'm sorry for not staying in touch lately. Did you ever get that parcel I sent?

Hey Ellen, thanks for getting me to write again. I hope this lasts!

Oh and also, I think I might start making more video posts because I really really enjoy making them and they are alot less time consuming, you know? I'm not really sure what direction I want this blog to go in, but I'm always chopping and changing, and I get bored really quickly, so expect alot of changes in layout, format and alot of deleted posts. That's just the way I am.

Trust me it annoys me too!

Concerning the display picture, I've put on like three-five kilo's :o in the last few weeks due to lack of exercise, overeating and the medications I've been on. I only have a day and a half left of medication, so once that's over I'm going to switch to the Weight Watchers core plan. I hate hate hate the way I look right now. It was good seeing how much better I look when I downsize slightly.

The reason I'm on medication? One of my wisdom teeth grew in sideways and I've been in an incredible amount of pain in the last two months. It's been so bad I've wanted to pass out a few times and have fallen to the floor in pain. Before I found out what was going on I was living on pain killers (it was awful!) after one tooth would start hurting, then the whole gum and line of teeth beside it, then half my mouth would cry out in pain, then both my ears would ring. I haven't experianced that much pain in the last week or so, but I've had to have two types of medication three times a day, and since I can't swallow pills I have to smother it in honey. Even if I hadn't been eating more, I think I would have still put on a lot of weight. Honey isn't exactly good for you in large dosages is it?

Also, I've been taking chewable iron tablets because I've been iron deficient for the last 12 months at least (could have been years with the sluggishless I've been living through!)- they are a godsend, and I can chew them without killing my tastebuds! and also nasual spray because my nose has been getting really blocked. I've been feeling alot better lately since I've been on these things, besides the weight gain.

I worked pretty hard to get rid of it in the first place. Ugh!

Not fair!!!

I've felt bad about complaining though because my older cousin, Anna had cancer last year and went through millions of medicines and medical procedures to get better again. I apologised to her, and she said it was okay because any kind of sickness or pain sucks. I fully agree!

So basically when I get home, I will be getting surgery to get my wisdom teeth removed, then I have to have six injections for my trip to Vanuatu. Then I have to start taking medications for that so I don't get malaria from the mosquito bites. Yuck!

I hope all this medicine is worth it. My grandma said I look like a walking pharmacy!

By the way, you can call me Stephanie again. All my hopes and dreams have been ripped away with the deletion of my youtube account. I thought it would be a one way street to stardom, my dream job and meeting Taylor Swift. I guess I'm gonna have to find another way to broadcast myself.

Youtube sucks!