Everything seems and feels so unconscious. The grass doesn’t grow. The leaves don’t move. Is this atmosphere dead?

Three days ago, I felt there was nothing else. I hit a low and made absolutely no attempts to get myself out again. I would have felt selfish for taking the steps I did if I actually knew someone who really cared.

Everything seems to make me cry now. There is no such thing as control.

For a little while there I actually thought I wouldn’t have to go to the clinic. But because of recent, unnecessary events I believe I have no choice.

Things don’t seem to make sense to me anymore. I constantly feel confused and disorientated. I see flashes of images racing through my brain. Memories that I have no recollection of, yet I am apart of them. They last for a split second. Not long enough to decipher what they means or when they were.

As I stand, talking to someone, I swear that out of the corner of my eye, I see a shadow or a person or a thing walk past. Yet, when I turn around, there is nobody there. Is this tricks of the light or am I going insane?

Last night I fell over in my room. My head was spinning and the ground seemed to be rippling. I lost my balance a fell, crashing the side of my face against the corner of my desk.

Now one side of my face has swelled up even more than it had when I had my teeth pulled.

How am I still classified a living person?

My emotions are dead

My soul is dead

My mind is dead

My heart is dead.

I am a walking corpse. An empty shell.

People call my name, and I keep walking. I hear them, but it does not register that they are calling me. People grab my arm, but I do not feel it.

Last night, I climbed into bed, to discover a jumping spider crawl down the side of my mattress and in behind my bed.

This bed was classified as unsafe and unclean.

While everybody else was in bed dreaming wonderful dreams, I was up, ripping the bed sheets off my bed and inspecting every little square inch to check for more of the damned critters. After it passed my inspection I snuck into the laundry were I placed my cover-sheet, sheet and doona cover, along with both my pillow slips into the washing machine. These sheets of linen were all washed three times, as they still felt unclean every time I pulled them from the washing machine and dryer.

By the time I clambered back into bed it was 3:20am. I didn’t fall asleep till 5:30am. My alarm went off at 6.

I literally dragged myself from the bed and begun the rhythmic exercises on the ground to the beat of U2’s, Beautiful Day. How I wish I could believe that song.

School dragged on forever today. I do not feel as if I processed one miniscule bit of information during the whole day. For most of it, my mind was focused on the $10 note that lay neatly folded in my pocket.

I knew my sister was going out tonight and Mum would be working till 6:30pm, so a good, hearty binge was soon in order.

Finally 3:15pm came around and I walked as quickly as I could to the train station to avoid the masses of gossiping girls, re-applying their make-up and doing there hair. Ready to meet others as the school day was over.

I caught the train and stopped by at the Glen where I picked up:

x2 packets of biscuits

x1 packet of salt and vinegar chips

x1 packet of rice

x1 box of cereal

x1 1litre of coke

and a few other necessities.

These were all scoffed the second Olivia left the house and then promptly brought back up into the toilet. I’m starting to notice a little blood in my vomit again. As well as my throat is getting incredibly dry, raspy and raw again. It stings when I swallow.  

I have a job interview for McDonalds tomorrow night at 6pm. I am excited, but at the same time incredibly…not sure. I want a job, no, I need a job…but at the same time I just wish I could lie in bed all day and hide under the covers.