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x_sorrowopression
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Name: Jessi
Country: United States
State: Kansas
Metro: Lawrence
Birthday: 7/28/1988
Gender: Female
Interests:
music
alexisonfire
atreyu
killswitch engage
something corporate
afi
opeth
a perfect circle
the used
thrice
taking back sunday
from autumn to ashes
evanescense
a thorn for every heart
mudvayne
underoath
from first to last
coheed and cambria
lacuna coil
lamb of god
alice in chains
bullet for my valentine
hawthorne heights
machine head
<3 melodic hardcore
John Grisham
spaghetti <3 omg
hard candy
Expertise: I'll let you know who you're being today__
Message: message me
MSN: jesisx@hotmail.com
Member Since:
3/15/2005
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Lifeless.
"I
just have to give it all that I have," is what I told myself. Typical
of a woman. Now I've come to find what "all" can really mean. I'm stuck
here, trying to dig myself out of a hole that I created. Noone but me.
I
tried, even if you can't see it. I wouldn't expect you to anyways. "My
friends will always come first," is what you said. I don't need someone
like that. Somehow, though, I keep turning around, losing ground. I
build up my immunities and then expose myself to a new type of virus. I
set the match down to the bridge and the wind blows it out. There's
just something that I'm not seeing.
I'm the obvious idiot.
"Treat me like shit some more." I don't even recognize myself anymore.
I'm walking on eggshells. I'm calling your name, but you don't want to
hear it. So I'll let you twist the knife until I stop breathing. You
took advantage of my capabilities, you left them lying on the ground,
in pieces.
Somehow, though, something will come out of this. I
needed a fresh dose of your immaturity to show me what I'm really
looking for. I'm not sorry. I'm tired of your excuses. I might have
been more forgiving if you hadn't left me open, bleeding, so many
times. I'm letting go of this pain.
I'm going back to who I am.
..
Remind
me what my prospect is. I seemed to have lost sight of it in the
hazardous waste mixture of words that I can't even say right. I can't
even think straight. I don't know what to do with this time to myself
anymore.
I'll sit here for hours with the words running
through my head. Pushy emotions. Stupid emotions. I have to figure all
of this out before I'm looking back at it and wondering what the hell I
was thinking.
I don't have the initiative to make a career out
of passion. I haven't been trying hard enough. It's the wrong place, or
the wrong time, or I'm the wrong person.
To Hope
It’s not just about where your dreams take you, but where you take your dreams.
I’m learning a valuable lesson.
Step back, deep breathe. I look around, whereas on a normal day the
trains would be running continuous. Today, however, the tracks are
desolate. And I won’t believe it for a minute, that it was real. The
feelings. I couldn’t.
You won’t have that opportunity. It’s easy for you to speak it.
Tomorrow I’ll forget it, you’ll remind me because you’re always
reminding me. You’re always here inside of me telling me what to think,
feel.
I’m bleak, apathetic, distant. Hardly in control.
In love with something that might not be real.
We’re different now. Different but similar. Alike in ways not even we know. I’m alone with this now.
Not even distance could put this behind me. Miles and miles of dissolution.
I still won’t. I won’t believe that you changed because change is
irrelevant now. You have to understand because you never did. It was
underestimated when important. Now it’s unimportant so let it go.
Strength is in believing. Belief is fading with the autumn. (I feel it getting weaker as my body melts into ashes.)
Spencer and I's song.
Spencer and I just wrote this song...
It's called:
Lemonade in my COFFEE?!?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
You might choke, but I know exactly what to say.
In the darkness, I can read a thousand thoughts.
I left my heart there with you, bleeding for everyone to see.
You reached away(I felt myself leave)
I threw myself into the fire that raged behind those empty eyes
the memory of you it burned away, an image in the flames.
A picture of my life. The way it could have been.
You completed this, and I completely fell away.
Imperfections sinking in. I won't take this back.
Put yourself where I am, bleed away these memories.
Who was I to think that I was the best you'd ever had?
Failures sinking in, and I lock myself back up again.
I threw myself into the fire that raged behind those empty eyes
the memory of you it burned away, an image in the flames.
A picture of my life. The way it could have been.
You completed this, and I completely fell away.
Don't hold back the hands (the hands that try to catch us).x2
Seconds tick away, yet time stands still.
This has all become so predictable.
Your mouth says a thousand words but they just don't fit this scene.
So step back, just fucking walk away
I threw myself into the fire that raged behind those empty eyes
the memory of you it burned away, an image in the flames.
A picture of my life. The way it could have been.
You completed this, and I completely fell away.
(end)
you, well... you're so far behind yourself.
you've never been so (you're leaking out)
you reached away (I felt myself leave)
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</3
It’s
something about this, something that I can’t just give up. I’ve got to
get away from it, it’s too hard. There was too much, and no one GETS
IT. What if I just fell apart? Would it be better than disappearing? If
I opened myself up and let it all bleed out? Would I feel better
tomorrow?
What if I went back? Everyone is asking me to stay.
Would it be that big of a deal? Would you miss me? Would I be gone to
you? Or am I already?
No one appreciates me here. I don’t know who I am anymore, I really don’t. I tried to run from it but I ran into it instead.
It’s
in understanding. It all means so much to me, even now. I look back,
read, understand. It’s how this has to be, but it’s not like the other
times. There is learning. There is change.
And there are decisions to be made. I can’t take being so unsure anymore. | | |
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From The Heart
Do
you ever notice how you don’t need something until it’s not in reach
anymore? For example, the television is only too loud AFTER you’ve laid
down in bed and left the remote halfway across the room?
This is the thing I’ve pondered for years now.
You
see, it’s this relationship thing. ( I feel like I’ve taken it for
granted.) And now, well now I don’t feel so good about it. My friends
who have never been in relationships (yes, even the pretty girls) long
to know what it’s like. I’m hesitant towards telling them since I’ve
never made it more than a year with a guy.
You might stop and
say, "Well, you know, a year is a long time." Think about it, though. A
year is the turning point. When you make it past a year it opens all
kinds of doors.
So the first thing that I’m here to ask myself is: Am I afraid of what’s behind these doors?
Back
to the beginning. I’ve been single for a few months now. I can’t
exactly put a number on it because the whole situation was really
confusing (as in it was over before it was over, that sort of thing).
I’ve gotten over some issues since then, including my phobia of being
alone. I think some of the people that I’ve met along the way have
helped in small, or big, ways.
In fact, I’d rather do some
things alone now. This is me gaining my independence back. Yes, it’s
hard, but it’s worth it. I’d rather not depend on anyone for anything
(but yes it is nice to have a helping hand when you really need it, I
won’t argue that point).
So, I guess my second question is: Can I control my independence in the presence of a relationship?
And
as if my heart is being ripped out of my chest in good fashion, I look
forward and back at the same time. Could the past really dictate how
much trust I put into my relationships in the future? Could I be so
numb as not to see what’s in front of me? To feel it?
I guess
we’re back to this whole remote thing. If I had no one, would I long to
have things the opposite? Where am I in my life right now in respect to
love, trust, faith? How could I be so stupid as to drag myself through
this mud again and again?
So maybe it’s me who needs to change,
or to stay the same I guess. I need to stop changing in the face of a
relationship. I think I’m mature enough now to make that decision.
There isn’t anything constructing my view anymore, I can’t blame it on
anyone else. I’m an adult now.
I have a thousand questions
running through my head. Is love something you can find in anyone, or
do we truely have soulmates? Have I tried for years now, to no avail,
without reason?
I’ve given someone everything I had, and as good as it felt, in the end was it worth it? I’m afraid of doing that again.
So my third, and final, question to myself is: Am I willing to take this step forward (into the light and beyond my fears)? | | |
| I'm just a big walking failure with all of my scars and all of my sadness
and all of these excuses lingering over me. Im withering away. | | |
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There is so much to say... unfortunately, I have no idea where to
start. I feel like I kind of just gave up on it; like I somehow felt
that there was nothing left or that everything there was simply
vanished. Like we let it go; like I let it go. Sometimes I feel like a
failure. As much as it's better this way, I know I lost so much. I was
stupid and I depended on you way too much. It made me different, you
made me stronger. You changed me and I was lost for so long. When I
finally made the decision I felt better about it, like I was waking up
for the first time in months. I knew it was better for you and it was
better for me and it was better for us. You were all I wanted for so
long, but I forgot about you. I got caught up in being sick and I got
caught up in having fun. I separated myself from you emotionally long
before it was over and in my heart I knew you were doing the same
thing. I held on because of what we had, hoping that someday I would
feel the same way about you again.
I blamed myself for what we lost. My family urged me to come home
before I lost my mind over you. I spent some time alone and pushed all
of the good things aside. I realized how wrong all of this was, and as
much as it tears at me inside, I know that I made it right.
"Oh, did you see it coming down on you today? Did you feel the thunder
and taste the bitter rain? Washing away all that we thought would never
change. This may be the end of you, but it's just the beginning of me."
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