i'm effing hurt.

So, how to begin my story.. Well, I have a boyfriend. And that is where all my problems lie, I guess. For the past year I've felt very apart and different from my friends. I still loved each one dearly, but I felt like for some reason I no longer fit in. Maybe it was because very slowly they stopped inviting me to anything. They'd say "we'd invite you if we thought you'd actually come along", but that wasn't true. To let them know I wanted to hang out, I'd drop hints or try to make plans myself (like lesbian dates to see a movie). If i really wanted to, i could have invited myself along to anything and everything i wanted, but that's not me. I HATE it when people invite themselves along, and what I hate even more than that is when you hang out with people who don't want you around. Since I wasn't sure if I was wanted, I specifically didn't invite myself unless I was invited. Well.. my entire summer ended up that way, me longing for an invite and occasionally dropping hints with no prevail. So then band started, and i began to talk to a friend again. She'd tell me what was going on in her life and I'd do the same. For once in 3 months i actually felt like I might be getting a friend back. She'd tell me about her hanging out with all these people and I'd feel a pang of hurt but would say stuff like "Well next time you do something, call me!". I said that yesterday and asked what she was doing that night. She said she needed to go shopping and would probably not do anything later. I told her that if she did she should definitely call or text me. Well I waited, like usual, and then hung out with Eric, my one and only true friend. He wanted to go up to blockbuster because his brother and Nick were working. So we went up there and talked for a bit. Nick then casually said "Oh, hey sara, lisa, michaela, and some black chick whose last name was like Stoookey or something came up here earlier. Oh and another girl that had short black hair and looked mexican or something." Well, then my heart sank into my chest real, real deep, and a huge knot formed in my throat. I managed a "Cool" then walked away and cried in the video game section of BlockBuster.. I'm not quite sure what I did to not be valued as a friend anymore, but somehow i feel like it has to do with the fact that I'm a slut. Sorry guys, I've done stuff I'm not proud of, but I really don't think i deserve this. Actually, i almost feel like I shouldn't try anymore.. and after last night i don't want to. I have one best friend. And if we break up, I'll have no one. I just want to go to college and get away from everything. Because I'm hurt.

[i'm not posting on xanga to get people's attention or to call people out and stuff. i'm merely expressing my thoughts. so deal with it.]

i hate school. again. i used to go to school and deal with it. deal with my classes that bore me to death, deal with the teachers who make me mad as heck, mainly since i always looked forward to the people at school and how they all made me happy. ..now i hate school.

books are so nice. they're a refuge. when you read them, you don't have to talk to people around you and most people leave you alone. it's nice. plus, to get wrapped up in someone else's story is just so intriguing. ..ha it's funny i say that i like people leaving me alone, but i guess it's not that.. it's that a book keeps me from realizing that without it i wouldn't have someone to talk to.

favorite (and pretty much only) text of the day: "i'm crazy in love with you. just thought you should know." it still amazes me that he loves me (even though i'm reminded close to a million times a day) [insert sigh and me melting here]

dear chubby boy: i think you're cute. ..my boyfriend wants to remove your thumbs because of it, so watch out.

dear john star: please don't change. whether you know it or not, you inspire me. you have this extreme dedication to your music that anyone could look up to. but not only that, you're also extremely well mannered and nice. please don't ever become loud and obnoxious.. no one likes that. anyway, thanks for being a good person. even if you're a freshmen, you're someone anyone could look up to.

goal of the day: find prom shoes.
mission initiation time: 4:00 pm, independence mall, with a crazy asian.

i need to do that movie review. oh school work, how you pile and pile and pile.

Currently Listening Taking the Long Way By Dixie Chicks Lullaby see related

oh how weird. xanga. what have you become? me. what have i become? different. we're both so different. and it all happened so fast. so fast. too fast for my liking, really. and honestly, it sucked. i didn't really feel like my friends understood. i think one of the originals does.. but the other? not so much.. but hey, what can i do? alot of this has gotten better, though. hi i'm so in love. and it's great.

prom will be fun. with those fake friends. well except for one. he's my friend. my good friend. after prom will be fun. at my house. sleep over. with hopefully a wii. and totally clean. ( if you know what i mean )

i want summer to be fun.. and not quite like the end of last summer. but i doubt i'll be invited along to the stuff i want to do. (not to sound emo or anything, it's just kind of the truth.) bitter single people who think i'm a slut don't want my company.. but i want theirs! how twisted.

hmm.. i want to go singing now.. adios, to my few amigos.

Currently Listening Like Vines By The Hush Sound see related

so i was just informed tonight that i am no longer allowed to spend the night at other people's houses. i am an untrustworthy person.

you know.. this is kind of ridiculous.. one of the reasons i started doing what i used to do is because my mom would never give me any leniency on curfews or anything. so i pushed my limits. and yes, i made bad choices, but at first it wasn't about that at all. it was just about being free. and then i would crave that freedom so much that i wanted to see how much i could get away with. when i realized how much i could do with just telling a simple lie to my mom, it kind of got to my head. well bad stuff has happened and now i wish anything i could take back some of the stuff i've done. and i feel so extremely bad, but i still think i should get more freedom from my mom. now i have none. so.. pretty much everything important to me has been taken away. and it doesn't help that all my "friends" either view me as a pity case or a flat-out whore. god, then top it off with half the crap my mom has said to me, and i feel great about myself! it just sucks.. because i don't want to ever do any of that stupid stuff again.. and my mom thinks that by not letting me spend the night at friend's houses she forcing me not to.. but i've already decided.. and that should be enough for her. but it's not. and it just really sucks since i finally found a really good guy.. oh well. there goes my love life, friends, and social life. fan-freaking-tastic.

she's going to suffocate me.

Currently Listening First Day of My Life By Bright Eyes see related

have you ever been called something so much you start to believe it? a girl can only be looked at a certain way and called a whore so many times before she starts questioning if she really is. fake rumors aren't any help either, cause once she does screw up majorly everyone starts to believe the false rumors to be true. maybe she is that person they all think she is. maybe she is a screw up and on the road to destruction. maybe that's what she wants. maybe. or maybe not. maybe she's under the curse of reverse psychology.. maybe people should mind their own business.

hypothetically speaking, of course.