I knew it all along

I have forever long stated the evils of facebook. Even whilst I click addictedly again and again on the slideshow of recently posted pictures, which I discovered some distant relative has posted only seconds previous. Yes, even then, I fling over my shoulder castigations and warnings of the higest rank-to the absolute perils of facebook.

Oh sigh. Silly me, I have subcumbed, and obviously have left the world of xanga in my foolish wake. I'm sorry dear xanga. My narcisim that enjoys pictures posted, and little quips posted has set itself in front of unadulterated writing and pure expression. (although, xanga too can be dangerous).

Anyway, I'm back..if only forced back by the realization of the shallowness of facebook and the absolute boredom that occurs after 3 hours of  sitting in Panera.

So...here I go on my rant.

1. I'm never warm

  Has anyone else ever noticed that in the winter, you're always cold. No matter how many layers, mittens, and thermal underwear that I choose to purchase and wrap around my body...somehow the cold finds me and pierces through me. It's an incredibly unsatisfying season of eternal cold. Then..comes spring. I delightfully don my flip flops with my heavy sweatshirt and mittens. Still cold - but inarguably happy. Then...summer sneaks around the corner. There is about a week and a half where I am so happy. Everyone begins to complain about humidity and murmur about digging that fan out of the attic. But they haven't yet- and I remain...WARM! I can actually wear shorts...or perhaps a short sleeve t-shirt. But short lived is my experience. Soon the fans come out, the air conditioning gets installed...and everywhere I go....I pring my mittens and my parka once more. i'mj sitting here.. in panera..curled into a ball, wearing a sweatshirt, jeans, and shoes....with my hood up...and drinking hot tea to try and warm myself again the frigid blast of the air conditioning.....

It's a cruel world!!!!!

2. The inexplicable amazement I have seen in God's grace.

   For Christmas my dad gave me C.S. Lewis' 4 Loves in my stocking (we're just that kind of family) of course I loved it...it's one of the only C.S. Lewis books I haven't had chance to read yet. And while I'm still making my way through it's pages (I like to savor it...like liking instead of devouring an ice cream cone).....he makes a wonderful point. Our love to the Lord is not constructed around how well we love Him. Oh no, how backward that is! See...love relationship with Christ only comes at the realization of how absolutely poor we are in the site of Him, and crawling to Him mercifully our our knees...he says, "Yes child..I love you." Wow. I've also been reading the ragamuffin Gospel (amazing, go check it out). And it's crazy, he speaks of the same thing....but he terms it being poor in spirit. .....I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole idea...so I realize that my explanation here will seem elementray, almost basic. You read and say, "well of course Janelle...not that we loved Him, but that He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrafice..." And I say...oh I know---but do you know what that means!???!?!?

The Lord has blessed me with a very real picture of exactly what this means of late. Suprisedly it came through my flawed, imperfect...but absolutely wonderful boyfriend. These past few weeks have been so incredibly dark as a slip and slide on the question marks that marr the dreams of my future. How easy have the lies slipped into my thinking, and over every area of my life. They have twisted and wrestled with me...until I'm simply exhausted emotionally. It was at this point that I decided that Johnn and I would need to break up, I started wondering whether or not this life was really worth much of anything....so many things...so many lies!....so I took it all out on John. every ounce. I yelled at him, I cried, I pushed him away. I told him mean, terrible things. oh yes- I was rotten! In response..here is what he did. he took my hand, and said, "that's fine...but I'll always be here. Go ahead, cry." For days, for weeks this went on....never moving, never expecting...just being. And it made me so frustrated, becuase I was failing him. I had absolutely nothing to offer him. I was desperate to try and love him....the way that he loved me, but I couldn't. I physically and emotioanlly couldn't.. and that was ok- he loved me anyway.

That is Christ. That is love. That is grace. That is the absolute humility of spirit that I am now seeking to experience with my Savior. oh, what a scary prayer...but the Lord has already shown me the physical picture of the blessings to come.

My relationship with John, is now 100 times stronger. It's beautiful, it's growing, it's peaceful, it's beautiful. and the Lord has made it so intimate...yet somehow still keeping it within the boundaries of where we need to be as a couple - that it brings me to literal tears.

happy valentines day

If I made a cd would you buy it?

In other thoughts

Well here I am again at Cedarville. How is it you ask?

very astute question my fine xanga friend. To state first it's very windy. My friend michelle and I share this passionate love for the wind. I remeber freshman year, running outside, sitting quietly and feeling the wind push us forward as we closed our eyes. It's so beautiful, it's so God's power and peace.

This wind does not feel like that. No, this wind feels more like God's wrath.

Right now I feel very much the way I've alway felt at Cedarville...that somehow as I sit here listening to laughter down the hall I'm missing something. I'm not sure what...but I'm missing something. And I sigh and slump into meloncholy acceptance. But an hour from now....in an hour, I will have a conversation or experience that will make me smile - even laugh, and I will decide that this semester is doable - maybe even enjoyable. But I don't really want to have that outlook. no - i'd much rather have the outlook that this semester, this day, this very moment that I feel like I am missing something - I am in fact missing nothing-- becuase it is Christ who ordains my days and not myself.

oh to get to that point.

W A I T
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait!"

"'Wait?', you say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By FAITH I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"And Lord, you promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting. . .for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want--but, you wouldn't know ME.

"You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

"You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save. . .(for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night.
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss! if I lost what I'm doing in you!

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
THAT THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME.
And though oft may my answers seem terribly late,
My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."