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| romance and all that comes with it...i've been going through a rough time lately. being split up from charlie, being in this stressful environment, my aunt angie passing away...it just seems like the rough times won't stop beating me down. it's been a little over a year since i lost emma, and she stays so close to me, as if i'm still a mom, even though i don't have her to prove it to people.
charlie wants to work things out. wants to prove that we and he can be better...he doesn't want to lose me. and now, i sit here, contemplating if it would be right of me to leave him...when he's telling me that he's willing to work...to put in the elbow grease to make US work. would i not be an idiot for not taking that chance? is it not completely against my morals to let go of this marriage when it's not dead. but then again, how many times must i go through this circle...of wanting to be together and then wanting to be apart, how can i be sure it won't get back to this point? i feel so mixed up.
what i want:
romance
someone i can pray with
someone who will take the initiative to get day to day things done
independence, but still "one"
someone who motivates me
to be fought for
passion
chivalry
strength
compassion
someone i can volunteer with
positivity
responsibility
someone who is lively
humor
depth
and i don't think any of that is unattainable.
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| it's been awhile...i don't write in xanga very often anymore. but i felt inspired today.
charlie and i have decided to split up. it's a hard transition from being with someone to not...especially after the 4 years we've been together. we've been through a lot of rough times, but a lot of good ones, and i don't regret a thing...sometimes some things don't fit no matter how hard you try to force them.
i've been thinking a lot about what to do with my single life. how to grow and change and become better for myself...and maybe one day another spouse. i certainly think every experience should be a learning experience, and that one should never think themselves so arrogant that life/experiences do not change them...i hope to always been in a stage of growth...so where do i go from here....i have absolutely no idea, but i'm up for the ride.
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| it can get irritating...and hurtful...and annoying when it feels like the being that is supposed to be your foundation...is simply ignoring you. the silence is painful. however, in the months that i have agonized over His disappearance, I realize that He hasn't disappeared...he's not a magic act. He's right here. i know this because every time i have any sort of emotion towards anything, i normally want to say something to Him about it. it's become a habit of some sort, to just talk to Him as if He were standing right in front of me. it would look like i was talking to thin air, but i know He hears my pleas and cries and anger..
Well, I'm ready for some two-way conversation....Please?
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| is everyone bound to lose the inspiration they felt when they were younger? i feel like i don't learn anything anymore...and i certainly know that a 22 year old doesn't know everything, but it feels as though everything people say anymore is something i've already heard. something i've already thought about. it's been an on going struggle for about 1 year and a half now; trying to find inspiration, searching for it, and coming up short every time.
i've said this a lot in the past, but it's really true, it almost feels like a new revelation. my life has become about bills, and money, and cars, and careers, and more bills, and houses, and credit....and to me, that sucks. and i try to search for something....and it never comes. it always feels like i'm on the edge, just waiting to take a leap, but there's always something holding me back. and all of this is nothing i haven't said before.
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| for something personalthis blog might not be for the faint of heart, but i urge you to read it anyway.
is it just me or does it seem like the news is swarming with child abuse, children murdered by parents, children molested???
within the last month (possibly even last two weeks)...here are the stories that have happened in vegas:
toddler murdered by parents. he was hit repeatedly in the stomach with a hammer. two weeks prior to his death, he was taken away from his parents by the state because of other abuse happenings. the little boy was not physically examined by a doctor, only the pictures of his abuse were examined and he was handed back over to his worthless POS parents. two weeks later, he was dead.
as many of you know, las vegas is in the desert. it gets hot out here, really hot (it's gotten up to 118 degrees)...TWO infants, within the last month, have been found dead because their parents "forgot about them" in the car. how the hell do you forget that a living, breathing baby is in the car with you? if i'm ever driving with a child in the backseat, i'm checking on him/her every couple of minutes through my rear view mirror, just to make sure they're okay.
i was told about a little boy who was prostituted out, by his mom, to gay men, in return for drugs. this child will be traumatized for life. he might not ever know what love or kindness or innocence is.
then in national news...in maryland, FOUR infants (none of them full term) were found in garbage bags...this woman, had four other children as well.
in boston, two children were found dead by stab wounds (by their mother).
if there is anything in this world that makes me angry and pissed off...it's hurting children. you abusers, and molesters, and murderers...may you find grace and mercy from Him...because I certianly couldn't grant it to you. why is everyone out to strip away any innocence that children have? how can people be so evil? you people disgust me, you are vile....and that's a nice term...i couldn't find anything harsher.
how many children have to die or be violated or be corrupted before we, as human beings, stand up and say, "this is not right, this is unacceptable."
i was blessed with a pregnancy a few months ago, and unfortunately, i lost the baby girl. There is not a single day that goes by that i don't think of her...wondering what her laugh would've sounded like, what it would've been like to comfort her, to feed her, to love her, and introduce her to the world. Emma is one of the best things that has ever happened to me...and to think that someone could hurt something so beautiful and so innocent is devastating to me. i can say, with everything in me, that i hope these children haunt these people forever. i hope that they can never find a peaceful moment, that no matter how much forgiveness they seek, that they can never forgive themselves. i hope, that you die a lonely death regretting every minute that you didn't have that beautiful child to hold and cuddle and laugh with and play with...i do not pity you.
adults are corrupt...we're screwed up, we have darkness, and we have baggage. but NEVER, EVER is their an excuse for any of these abuse cases/deaths. there are TOO many people in this world who want to have kids and can't...give them a chance to love and cherish these children... | | |
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