| I don't understand.
I don't understand at all.
Nor do I really want to.
Honestly.
I knew I had my hopes to high.
I knew it from the get go.
I was not only naive but stupid to think that
a chance was even possible.
I should have never have even dug myself this hole.
I feel like i'm stuck in the middle and my only choices are to
dig to the other side and see what's in store for me there. Or do I quit digging and turn back?
Do I turn back just because they don't think it's right.
Just because they don't even want to give it the time of day.
Do I give up for their ignorance?
I guess I just answered my own question.
and the answer is no.
No i'm not going to give up.
Yes I am going to keep on digging and it can either lead me to love or it can lead me to hell.
I'm more than willing and prepared to accept either one.
This isn't going to be easy. |
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| So i'm finally taken, and i'm loving every minute of it.
He's very diffrent and he has qualities that I myself will never possess.
Good qualities.
When he speaks he speaks from his heart, always.
No matter how little the meaning of the conversation.
And that's something i've never been able to do.
He told me he loved me today.
And everyone keeps telling me that I love him, they can see it.
And I know I love him too.
I'm just afraid.
I like him so much it scares me.
And I know what happend to me the last time I liked someone this much.
And it's not so much that I don't love him it's more so that I don't know if i'm ready to trust
him with my heart yet.
but I will.
And if I fall face first.
It's no one's fault except for yours truly. |
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| I hate this new xanga buisness
It only took me forever to find the "new weblog entry" buddon.
GAY. Anyways.
Things have been fun.
we have been going out the past couple of fridays.
I like it.
We were really wearing out staying home.
And things needed a little spicing up.
Hopefully we'll find somewhere extravagant to go next weekend.
We needed the change of scenary. --If she wants to dance and drink all night.
Well there no one who can stop her.
She's going 'till the house lights come up.
Or her stomach spills onto the floor.
This night is gonna end when were damn well ready for it to be over.
Worked all week long now the music is playin on our time.
Yeah we do what we do to get by.
And then we need a release.
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| Valentines day.
You know what's coming.. Buddy called me at half passed midnight.
I wonder if he'll stop.
Part of me hopes he dosen't.
But the mentally sane part of me wants to answer and
tell him to quit calling my fuckin phone.
I wont though.
If I do i'll just fall into it.
And that would be bad for me.
Not that everything else in my life isn't already.
It's just that everything else dosen't have permanent strings attached to my
over-stimulated heart.
Point blank.
He FUCKED UP.
I mean really FUCKED UP.
And I'm not about to give him a second chance.
No matter how bad I want it.
I will not be responsible for Fucking MYSELF over. Happy Valentines day to you too. I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that.
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| I'd like to be taken.
By a nice guy.
One who doesn't do all the things I do.
One who maybe smokes some pot now and then.
One that doesn't drink.
One that has goals.
One that encourages mine.
And is finished and or finising highschool.
One who has educational plans beyond that.
One who sees me as something besides a "Good Fuck."
One who doesn't mind just holding my hand and talking to me.
One who is okay with megan.
One who lets me hang out with my friends.
One who doesn't think that just because we have sex were getting married.
One who genuinly cares for me.
One who is interested in me and the things that make me that way.
One who believes in God but isn't an all out holy roller.
One that dosen't lie constantly.
One who's faithful.
One who will have a drink with me and feel like he's doing something bad.
One who will talk to me when i'm lonely.
And tell me my cooking is delicious even if he hates it.
One who can put up with my bitching and realize that a lot of what I say I really don't mean.
One who I am attracted to.
One who really doesn't exist. =/ |
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