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| i kinda forgot i had this one i like it better...maybe ill switch off in which one i want to write in....this one fits me more..........peace out | | |
| I GOT A NEW XANGA.... LIVING_IN_DARKNESS_666
SO I WONT BE WRITTN IN THIS ONE ANYMORE.... | | |
| wow i never knew reading a few words would tear me apart..i stayed home today bc i couldnt sleep last night shit was on my mind that wont earse....i never knew i wouldbe feeling like this...wow | | |
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<><><><....its so fucking hard when you crave and want sumthing so badly..i hate it...amd there are patches for smoking, but with cuttin its different its just there.... im just so fascinated by it....i dont no why i even do it...like there wlll be a safty pin or a blade or anythin sharp and ill pick it up and do a line than its like wow another one than another till i see blood.. i told my self i wouldnt go back in the past n do the same thing but i just i dont listen ya no but i havent doen it for 1 week so i think that im letting go of that ...i just hate how all of a sudden ppl act like they care it isnt a bad thing...as much as i hate everything i use to be or was its like no i miss it..ppl tell me not to do it but there words dont sink in... and like my emotions flow out and then i dont feel it anymore..i start to feel weird/sad like i want everything to go right for once in my life... to be able to be happy again...but from the looks of it ..it doesnt seen to be working...i also feel as i dont fit in like im so different...its like now i am always confused i never explain myself and i never know why i feel i feel like i do...it semms i always have questions that i can never answer..i hate it....yea im happy and i laugh but in the pit of my stomache theres this big huge knot of emotions n shit sittin there...like sumthin is pulling me down...and i wonder if its because i really feel like ths or wat???..i get so caught up in things and than when i get to attached i wind up being like i am now..i lose all the good things in life and than i no they will never come back...i hardly ever feel happyness sumthin i harldy experience anymore...mayeb its just me but i hold onto people even after they are gone...usually without realizing it...i open my heart and soul and then when they leave im so heart broken..i guess you can say im jealous of them....i no i shouldnt be but its like we left a perfect friendship n now its in the trash..i hate how ppl are like cheer up n shit but i cant i dont think i can and by you all sayin it doenst make wat im feeling any better it makes it worse...i just feel like every action i am makin is destroying me in some way...i have learned to write shit down to get what im feeling out but what am i suspose to do when i feel the same way everyday?? i just think that i am goin fuckin insane that reality finally fuckin hit me...i want to take back so much i have so many regrets which when i think i shouldnt be srry for wats in the past..i tell my self to move on when in fact i try and out of nowhere i get hit with sad emotions sad feelings...theres so much that i cant explain its all in my head sitting there watin to get out..but i guess theres nothin that i can do ....but sit here and dwell on how messed up i am...ill stop writting since im talkin alot of bullshit..if u read this much i give u props... | | |
| wow alot of shit happened this weekend...friday i was suspose to get my belly button peirced which i was lookin 4ward to but it never happened so i flipped out at my mom sayin u always put it on hold ..put it this way i let alot of shih out...than while i was walkin out the door she was like wait untill i shoe dad the book i found today..so i was like wtf?? n when i got into nates garge i started cryin my eyes out i was scared....so rach n laura were tryin to make me feel better which it helped...than my mom called my cell and wanted me to come home so we coudl talk...we talked about alot of shit that was going on and basically my mom said that my life and me have been goin down hikl ever since my x...and i thought about it and it had ....everything dropped....and i told her wat was botherin me i let all that i had in i let it all out...i felt better after we got done talkin..my mom found my poem book about how life is shit and its susicdal...but wat she doesnt understand is that i dont mean what i say half the time and im not gonna go do wat i write...i wirte to get my fellings out at that time instead of flippin out... than she said or asked me if i wanted to go to a shrink....i told her at that time i wanted to i thoguth maybe that would help..but than she was like well if u do want to go than i have to show ur dad this so he will believe me...and i thought about it and said i didnt want to go..so that night i wrote my mo a note since it was late when i got in n she was thinkin and i told her thanks 4 talkin to me and that shit in the past has been rough n i changed 4 the better n crap..but i wasnt grounded which was a surprise,,,.....umm saturday i woke up n my dad was like get ready were goin to get ur belly button peirced and i was like WATTT...so we went n picked up laura and we went to mikes tattoo place but when we finally found it they werent opeing till another hour n my dad didnt want to stay theere so we went home and i was pissed bc i was thinkin sumthin like this would happen...so me n laura walked to sliver moon to get a job but they told us to put our name n number down but we havent got a phone call grr...than we went back to nates and i smoked with jess nate kev n paul...than when i go bakc home to get sumthin to eat my dad was are u ready?? and i was like 4 wat?? and he said were goin come on..so i go get laura n we went to this other tattoo place wheere it was open and i winded up gettin it done!!!! it was funni bc laura said i was shakin the holw time i was like i was?? and the guy there like raped ME!! he put his hands down my pants and he touched my boobs wtf?? anyway its not like i am gonna see him again....iigth and sunday...i spent the day with my mom while my bro n sis n dad went out all day which is kinda rude..but its been a ok day atleast we werent fighting...but last night i was suspise to get so trashed at kevs but his dad never left so me julie n laura ddecided to stay at nates bc we didnt feel like gettin busted...tell me how obivious this is...they had a big red duffle bag filled w a case of budwiser and 6 40's and they were all walkin into the willow hill woods when it wasnt even dark out....i wasnt tryin to get caught fuckk that...so we sat in the garage and drank julies shit which got me messed up so it was all good...than all i remeebr was matt comin ova to chill wiht us than me wakini up this morning weird shit...i think that im gonna go lay out n the sun 4 a lil.....peace out
but yeah what ive learned from all this shit....
*dont lie unless you KNOW you can get away with it
*when youre in a relationship SAY HOW YOU FEEL no matter what. if youre scared you might lose that person because of how you feel, then that relationship isnt worth it. but if you do tell the person how you feel and they do get mad or whatever, then youll know the relationships worth it if they want to work it out.
* dont be shy! dont be scared of what other people think of you...cause your friends will always be there for you, no matter what they think of you.
* trust is worth your freedom, so losing trust is losing freedom
*to live life, you gotta find and do what makes you happy, what makes you want to be alive and wake up in the morning. | | |
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