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| So I saw the stand in therapist today. She was nice and said I could come in everyday if I wanted to. I see her again on Thursday at 11 am. She gave me some sheets to fill out and some stuff to do. She wants me to bring in my crocheting Thursday so...we'll see how that goes. She knows that knitting and crocheting can be relaxing and she says she'll teach me how to knit as well. She has a very homey office compared to Catherines. It's small and it's have dim lighting. She has a candle burning to make it smell nice and it's just so nice. Catherines office is more typical of a doctor. But I still like being in Catherines office. It doesn't matter to me what her office is like because she makes me feel so comfortable. But now everytime I eat something, my parents have to monitor the bathroom for one hour. Now I'm just uncomfortable and miserable with the fact that there is food in me. I want to purge, but too much time has gone by now, there isn't a point. I hate this. I wish this would stop. I'm not eating anything else today. I already ate to much. But I know that isn't true it's just that stupid voice in my head telling me what is right and what is wrong. I hate this voice I want it to stop criticizing me. I want it to stop telling me I'm not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough. What is the reason for it? Why has this voice been inside my head for six years?! I wish I could change my life. I wish I could make things right for once. Right now I'm hungry but I'm not going to eat anything. I refuse, I already ate a hamburger with pickles and ketchup, and a diet coke, and that is all I am going to eat today. That is it. I need a life. -Manda | | |
| So,basically I spent last night in the ER for a Psychiatric Evaluation because I've been purging (yeah, not so afraid of that now am I?) and restricting like crazy. The only reason they didn't admit me was because my mom and I had to swear to the doctors that we would make an emergency appointment with the Psychologist that is covering for my regular Psychologist. So I see her at 10 in the morning tomorrow. The doctors finally recognized that I have an ED. It was written on my discharge papers - "Severe Depression, Bipolar, Probable Bulimia/Anorexia." The only reason they wrote probable is because I refused to talk about things. They asked me questions and basically all I did was shrug or say I didn't know. Honestly, I didn't want to talk about what makes me do the things I do. I already know that tomorrow will be hard for me to talk to the doctor. I could barely talk to the sweet nurse who was asking me simple questions that at the same time are so difficult to answer. "Why do you make yourself throw up?" "Why do you restrict?" I know just as good as anyone else that there is two answers to both questions. The one that comes out on the surface and is obvious, then the one that even I don't understand. I mean of course I'm scared to be fat and want to be thin, but what's the reason below the surface. I wish I knew. I'm probably going to IP now. I'm so scared right now. I want to get help and all that jazz. But at the same time I'm nervous about where exactly my insurance covers and what will I be able to do if I can't get the insurance to pay. I'm afraid they won't take me seriously because I'm not underweight. I afraid if I go, the patients will think I'm a fatass and don't seriously have a ED. I just want to get help. -Manda | | |
| My birthday was yesterday. I had the dumb idea to go out to dinner with my best friend in the mall after she bought my birthday present. Basically we went to Ruby Tuesdays and ate everything in sight. - 2 Dumplings with Peanut Sauce - Hamburger (with pickles and ketchup and the bun) - Fries (more ketchup) - Salad (Lettuce, Cucumbers, Olives, Shredded Carrots, and Italian Dressing) - Ice Cream - Half a piece of some kind of cake. - Two Diet Cokes I'm afraid to even look up the nutritional facts for yesterday because on top of that when we drove back to my house, my mom and dad were waiting with a CHOCOLATE cake. I had two slices. Not at once but in about two hours time I had two slices. I don't feel like I put on any weight from it. I've been losing weight again. Not sure why. I've been down to about 1 meal a day, but yesterday was just ridiculous because I had had Frosted Mini Wheats on top of it. But other than the food intake from yesterday, my birthday was good. I got my present from Ta-Miko (a video game for my new pink Nintendo DS Lite), and I bought myself two new shirts from Pac Sun. I only had 24 dollars left on me after dinner (I payed for both of us), and my two shirts were on clearance for under 10 dollars, which was a deal. I ended up having 10 dollars left afterwards. My shirts are cute. One is purple and is a regular t-shirt, but it's nice and comfortable (I'm wearing it now). The other is orange and is a v-neck and is really nice. I went down a size in this brands shirts and it's making me very happy. I can't wait till the winter when I can actually buy a coat from a regular store and not some place that has crappy coats. My target coat is on it's way out. Stains all over it, rips. I even think there's a hole in the pocket. That would explain where my five dollars went that day. Whoever found that is one lucky person. But I've always wanted a coat from Pac Sun, now I can get one. I also want to buy that handbag thats there. My mom and I ordered my present from them online about two hours ago. A brand new PINK computer. It's a cute computer and it's got a lot of memory. It's great. I need it for the Fall when college officially starts, speaking of college I officially got my grade from the Summer Semester and it was ONE percent shy of making it in the A's. I had an 89% (B+). My dad was so happy he pretty much forgave me for the whole fight that had been going on for the past two days. So now I have a new computer on the way and everything in my room is now either a shade of purple or pink. Which is odd, because my favorite color is green. But pink is a close second. My cousins coming to sleep over tonight, I don't know what time she's getting here, but I know she's coming. I'm happy I have some company, she'll be here most of the day tomorrow. Anyway, no more to say, Later. -Manda | | |
| Zoloft isn't really working anymore. I haven't really told anyone. I don't want to disappoint my family again with the fact that things aren't really getting completely better. I thought maybe if I ate normally things would be "normal." But it did the total opposite, it made me feel worse. Now I packed on weight and I feel like shit. I want to lose it but I can't. I don't want to fall into the old patterns that I was in, but at the same time I do. I want to lose the weight so bad. I feel so stupid. This pattern of falling in and out of the ED is annoying and causes so much stress on me. Why do I always fall back into my old patterns? Lets see, what has my intake been so far: b: nothing l: Ramen Noodles - Chicken Flavor (190 cals) The worst part is, my parents and Ta-Miko and I are going out for dinner tonight. I don't know what to do with that. I'm thinking of just getting a salad, but the restaurants Penne a la Vodka is so good. It might be hard to resist. And the breadsticks, all completely filled with cheese and garlic and oil, with marinara sauce. It's real breadsticks, not those shitty as calorie filled crap at fast food restaurants. And I don't know what to do. I can't eat it, I just can't. I don't know. I might be desperate enough that if I do eat there to purge. And I hate purging and have a hard time doing it because my gag reflex is really far back in my throat and I have really small fingers. I'm definitely going to have to exercise tonight. I have no real workout plans to burn a lot of calories, but we have a few workout dvds I could use. It sucks that I can't just fucking drive myself to the gym, but no, I don't have my own license yet. Or my own car. Actually transportation just about sucks. Right now I'm just trying to plan my dinner without it being horrible. I'd like to keep myself under 1000 calories but I think it is going to be impossible today. God, Manda, you have no self-control. Get a hold of yourself and actually NOT stuff your face! Ugh, but I'm so good at it. I wish I wasn't thinking so out of control today. I wish I didn't feel so damn stupid. I fall face first in this again. I guess the only good news is that I still haven't cut. It's been a while. I guess my brain is just replacing one addiction with another. That what always happened with both my ED and my SI, they'd swap places all the time. One would be on the back burner while the other one was dominant. At some point I'd try and quit one and then they would swap places. I've tried quitting both at the same time, and it's just too hard. Too much thought, and too much pain to put myself through that. I end up doing dumb things when I try to quit everything. So what do I do? Am I ever going to get better? I don't know what to do. -Manda♥ | | |
| Zoloft is my new best friend. I'm just unsure why I'm clentching my jaw all the time. -Manda | | |
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