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| fuck you joplin you eat all of my friends and waste my time.I swear that people are stupid, its like a big fucking tornado just ran through there brain. Im sorry if anyone else actually gets on here and reads this. I should cuss I know, but I am venting so deal with it. Basically I am not going to sit around and let petty shit get in the way of what I am going to accomplish. Duong quit the band. steph is to, and they know now that the door is shut and there is 98% chance of never coming. I hate I hate I hate being a jerk, but me and Everett are arm in arm in the desiciion we made about no one being in 2 bands. If you cant see why then you have never been in a band, or you have no common sense! I know Josh wants to do it, and I feel bad, b/c I had to say no. God, why am I always the jerk? Why do you always pick me? I know there is a point, but rrrgg pick someone else here and there, or at least give me some positive stuff. I feel like everyone is just plain stupid and they choose to be that way. anyways... I feel bad cause I had to say no, but Josh is also way over qualifyed to do that. He has the abiltity and the drive and does things. duong and steph just have the ability. They have never pushed them selves with the band, they just show up and play. It just seems like a big waste of time to me. You know what? Im sick of taking my life with stress, I need to clear out my mind, that is what I love about this. I can make the most of a bad time when ever I want and I dont have to be a jerk about it. I just pray that he doesnt make a stupid choice, cause I will feel bad, but he know that I will stick with my word. I am actaully a bit scared to. Cause' I mean we can replace him, but he will just be dumping himself off a bridge. I guess I am just caring, and upset. The school thing well Joplin Public Schools can burn in hell for as long they can. and they agian. Oh well, I still get to start colledge, I still have a car, a drivers liscense, a beautiful girlfriend who cares deeply for me, and I can say that is a lot more than some people have.
I dont care if I am stable or not
but maybe you can make it stop. | | |
| It seems like now after the band meeting that I'm seeing more of myself...even though it was not about me...Austin he doesn't mean to,but I've never meant to hurt him, but then deep inside I know I want to. Like I said to him today that I'm sick of him. Maby it is just me, but my pain and anger does not go away that quick. I felt nothing but sadness for myself. I'm freaken getting depressed again. I silently cryed when he talked to me. It seemed as if he could read what I felt. I have not forgave him, but I trick myself that I have. I don't get. Maby I'm not fit enough for this. I should give it all up. I've gotten nothing out of it. Why should I move on? Why should I care? I'm afriad of what God will say of me when I ask. I know I'm not in the right place. I want to be in the band. I want to play songs. I want to...but I feel like it is over for me. My feelings are so scrambled I'm teird of everthing. Really the only relef is you God and Jordan. I can't seem to talk to anybody else. If I do I don't think they will understand. None of them seem too.
Sure Austin did say when God answered him he heard nothing about me...then he said that maby God wants me to find it out, and I thought to myslef I'm not meant to be in a band. Maby it is not my calling...I need to figure it out, but it wont be a quick prayer. It will take time, prayer,tithe,and fasting...
God help me...
Steph* | | |
| man...I never thought you would pull this one on me God. Actually I know it wasnt you, but it makes me so mad that agian my friends could stab me in the back! How did you always deal with it? How do you deal with it..still? Im so fucking tired of this shit. sorry, but you know what I mean. I mean so you called me into this band and this something I am not even doubting for a second, but God why would they want me out? I push them yes I know, but you push me at least 10 times harder. still they say I am dictorial or some crap like that. Now steph wants me out of the band? WHAT THE HELL? I dont get it. You tell me that they are being irrisponsilbe and yet they fire at me when i am just doing what you told me to do. I am afriad they are going to destroy something beautiful. Its almost like a marriage. I dont want to let you down, I promise no matter what happens Ill get back up and fight for you. I know you have shown me that Duong, Steph, and Josh have their prioritys out of place. That breaks my heart. I dont get it though. Why is Everett so diffrent. Why have told me that he will step and become every bit the leader as me? I didnt really see that in him until last night. Some day he will burn all of everything and become something amazing for you. I just wish everyone could be where he is at. I feel confident in him. I should though you told me to. So you have gave me the 3 options to give them. man....I am not looking forward to this. Then agian I am because at least it can be off my chest and I can continue to praise you, and do what your telling me to do. I dont get how they can be so dumb when it comes to doing things for you. I know I was there once, but God what I am worried about is them dragging you down with there lack of commitment, and almost no drive. Its just killing me. I am stressed out 24-7 about it. God you know I will not appoligize for anything to them. God if we can work it out that is great. We can continue to progress. If that happens please change there hearts. If option 2 happens then please help me and Everett find new members for HCB so that we can get back on track, If option 3 happens then please help us fill that void. I dont want to go to practice today. I dont want to do this. GIve me your words. | | |
| HI kids. Have a good day. I just wanted to see if I typed in the right password and I sure did. bye. Leave me eProps. | | |
| so God it has been a long time since we have met on here. Isnt it funny that its only when I feel like I am troulbe I get on here to talk to you? I have started to not really trust people agian. I feel like people hide the truth from me b/c I am to big or something? What the heck is up with that? I need you to help me to make this all end. God I know with the band deal I prayed and talk with you for hours about it. You told me it was the right choice, but God why then would they make such stupid mistakes like this? It just doesnt make any sense to me. Ill do feel stupid having my spot (even teasingly) challenged by my own brother. Man, God that seems so low. Then it seems like they dont even care. You know I have been working on the shows with Underoath, AnamCara, Showbreed, ScarsWillFade, and all that. I spend days working on just the right words for your songs. I make a awsome movie to play at the show, and yet I get joked with, and then when I seem concered they dont even seem to care? I am tired of fighting. If its not worth it just tell me. Thats dumb I know what you want... I just wish I got a little graditude istead of talking behind my back? The struggle with trying to support everyone when they are to lazy to get there licsense and driving people around, and hauling people, spending my gas, staying out late to do so, not sleeping b/c I am trying to solve real problems with the band. ARRGGG? Why cant I do this with people who are just as grown up as me? Im sick of there immature crap. you have been opening door for me to get them hooked up with awsome shows and they complain about it b/c they have to record? WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! Thats so stupid! I wish someone would have done that for me. I would be freaking happy. I would just feel better if someone booked one show. ONE! thats it. just one for my own personal relief. Okay God, you put me here. You put me in this band for a reason. No matter how dumb my family may act they are still my family and they will still have to be up on that stage with me, so lets do this. At least as far as I go the band is yours. Everything. I wont even write a single word unless you tell me to. I wont book a show unless you tell me we need to be there. I need you to pull some stress off of me, actually a lot of stress... Its all yours. God I want to pray that everyone else would do the same thing. God, I really dont people to be intemidated by me. You know me, you know how soft I really am, you know all I want is brotherhood. I love you so much, and I love them all so much. Bless them all while they rest there head on there pillows tonight God, I pray they all have sweet dream and get the rest that only you can give them. Please bless Jordan as he has shown him self as a true grown up since I have made it back home. I pray he continues along that path. I love you God. | | |
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