So my week is coming to a close.

Let's be honest. It's been a long one. It was almost as if Friday would never come -- and yet here it is. Have I done anything useful this week? I doubt it. And isn't that a sad thought. I've wasted a week of my life. What if today were the last day of my life? What if, when crossing the street to get to the public bus, I were to be hit by a speeding car? Or, hell, let's be honest. What if I just went home and succeeded in killing myself? Would I be proud of the life I'd lived? Would I look back and "smile, not cry"? Who does?

There are so many regrets that we have in life, aren't there? I mean really? And who would mourn me? Rei? Ari? My parents? Seeing as how half those people are halfway across the world, that won't mean much (though still some so don't think I'm not recognizing your amazing-ness, Rei). What of the people here -- the people in Vienna? Would they care? I'm not sure. I mean, yeah maybe they'll be like "Oh crap, that's terrible!" But really...how much could they possibly miss me if something were to happen? In the years to come I would become a distant memory, someone who they could mention and say, "Yes, it was a very tragic thing" or something stupid like that.

I mean Christ. Here I sit. Alone in the library. Every other day this is what I do. There's no one to talk to. No one to connect with. People walk by me and ignore my presence. Well. Except my history teacher apparently. He just walked by and decided to punch my arm. That actually hurt more than I thought it would. Ouch. But seriously. I...I hate this. I hate this feeling that I'm completely alone in the world. That all my friends live too far away for me to connect with. That they're lives are continuing and I'm just...NOT there to share it with them. I'm too far away. I'm too isolated. I'm in fucking EUROPE. Everyone else...they're in Nepal. Korea. India. America. But they're not HERE.

I'm fucking alone and I hate it.

So.

This is my new xanga site. Why'd I make a new one? Maybe because I needed a place to write, where I didn't have to worry about stalkers following my every post. Maybe because I just wanted to make a change. Then again, maybe I don't know why. That happens sometimes doesn't it? You'll do something but no matter how many times someone asks you WHY you can't come up with a reason. Is that so bad?

Right about now I'm sitting in the library of my new school during my free period and instead of reading the very LARGE history packet that is waiting for me, I am on Xanga. Tell you a little about my priorities? Yeah, I know. I also have a german portfolio due tomorrow. Have I mentioned I haven't started? Though technically that's because I didn't get the assignment until yesterday and I was busy after school. By that I mean I read New Moon and wrote a very short theatre arts paper.

What the fuck am I doing?

I should be working. I know I should. But all the work...it's just staring me in the face. And I just want to push it away. I don't want to have to deal with German. It's like...the most evil language on the face of the planet and I CAN'T SPEAK IT. Even though I've been studying it for six, going on seven, years. Pathetic, much? I just can't concentrate on anything. I've got pages and pages and pages of emails to reply to and I just DON'T HAVE THE TIME. I can't reply to all of them. I can't. I'm being overwhelmed by schoolwork AND my friends. Do I have any anymore? These people around me -- do they care what happens to me? Will I still be in contact with them five years from now?

Well...welcome to xx__holdmybreath__xx