| - 17/ By Myslf "Earlier this evening, Major League Baseball held its All-Star game. Or as George Steinbrenner calls it,'one-stop shopping.'"
"Congress, this week, debated gay marriage. In a speech just the other day President Bush called marriage between a man and a woman 'the basis of an orderly society.' Then Bush said, 'unless the bride is Jennifer Lopez.'"
"According to the New York Police Department, over the last few years, almost 6,000 people have been arrested for smoking pot near New York University's campus. In a related story, NYU is now offering a doctorate in fashizzle."
"It's been reported that Paris Hilton has agreed to stop suing her ex-boyfriend over the sex video in exchange for $400,000. Their lawyers are setting up a time for the cash hand-over, or as Hilton calls it, 'the money shot.'"
"Earlier today, Republicans in the Senate failed to get enough votes to pass an amendment banning gay marriage. Afterwards, Republicans said, 'We're not giving up; If we can't ram it down their throats, we'll get it in through the back door.'"
"It's been reported that vice presidential candidate John Edwards drinks four Diet Cokes every morning. When asked why, Edwards said, 'You'd drink that much caffeine if you had to stand next to John Kerry all day.'"
"In Dallas, a man who legally changed his name to DotComGuy three years ago has now changed it back to his real name. Not surprisingly, the man's real name is 'LoserGuy.'"
"Last night Ken Jennings became the first person ever to win $1 million on Jeopardy. You can tell that he's getting cocky because whenever he hears the name Alex Trebek, he answers, 'Who's my bitch?'"
"It's been reported in a recent interview that when John Kerry was a little boy, he liked to play make-believe and pretend he was Robin Hood. Of course when Kerry played Robin Hood, instead of robbing the rich he'd marry the rich."
"This week President Bush became the first U.S. president to visit Michigan's Upper Peninsula since William Howard Taft. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Who are they?'"
"Yesterday, the diet company Slim-Fast fired Whoopi Goldberg after she appeared at a fundraiser and made vulgar comments about President Bush. When asked about it, Slim-Fast's president said, 'We're not firing Whoopi for her comments, we finally saw a tape of her sitcom.'"
"In a recent interview, John Edwards said he celebrates his anniversary every year at Wendy's. Meanwhile, Ruben Studdard said he celebrates John Edwards' anniversary every day at Wendy's."
"It's been reported this week Lionel Richie helped break up a nightclub fight in London. The club management thanked Ritchie, but pointed out that there wouldn't have been a fight if he'd gotten everyone's drink orders right."
"Today after being sentenced to 5 months in prison, Martha Stewart told reporters, 'I am not afraid.' The odd part is, Martha's cellmate said, 'Really? I'm very afraid.'"
"Hillary Clinton will speak at the Democratic National Convention, and in fact she will introduce her husband, Bill Clinton. Which means that he will be introduced as 'That lying son-of-a-bitch.'"
"This week, the city of Las Vegas unveiled a new monorail system that's going to link all the casinos. Which means there are now two ways to get mono on the strip."
"Two members of the 80's rock group Megadeath are suing each other over money. Apparently, they both saw the returnable beer can at the exact same time."
"The Department of Health and Human Services officially recognized obesity as a medical illness. Doctors say symptoms include shortness of breath and 'wideness' of ass."
LMFAO! Conan O'Brien ROCKS!! HE IS THE FUNNIEST GUY ALIVE!!!! | 
...jus playin'...i got more money....hidden...under a tree....in youe neighborhood! I just happened to be in your neck of the woods so i said,"hey! Why don't i burry my money here?!?!" Turns out,a cop came by and he's all like "Whatcha doin there sonny?" And i'm like "i'm not a sonny,mister..." And he's like "Well last time i recall ya are...so whatcha doin there with that there bag of money,and what's that powder under your nose?" *hesitates* "Uhh....magic?*Throws bag of money at co and runs*" So the moral of this story is...:
