i truly believe that things will get better. but when? i'm not so sure. When will i stop having breakdowns? Stop having to dry my tears... i'm not so sure. but all i do know now is that i dont want someone or something to ruin my life.... life is bigger than i'll ever know it to be- there's so much to know about life. And i don't wanna throw it all away. i dont wanna waste my chances and spoil the opportunities that come my way. i haven't worked so hard jst to have it all come crashing down again. Yes I'm heart broken. i will admit it. yes i was deep in depression for the past month or so.. yes i still cry, and yes i still get breakdowns. but im only human. and if i didn't cry when i hurt, if i didn't laugh when i was happy and if i didnt feel the pain from what ive been through- i think there should be warning bells going off. something is wrong.  Sure ive been a great actress.. but why should i let everyone watch me fall? why should everyone be able to read into my private life?... what people know...what i tell people... what i tell my friends and the people i meet.. its between us. and not for anyone else to judge.

im growing tired of the rumours and getting sick of all the backstabbing and lies. its not how things should be. maybe you can live with all the fakeness and the superficial way of life.. but i cant. i want to be real. i want to be seen for who i am now. i want my walls to be down - i want to have friends that appreciate me the same way i appreciate them, who help me out when i need them, just as much as id help them if they were in the same situation. the kind of friend who talks to me not because of what i do..or the people i know, but because of the person i am, the individual in me. i want to love whole heartedly and not be afraid of being screwed over, being cheated on, being used... not afraid to be myself...not afriad to fall in love. because i reckon...crazy love... its the most beautiful thing. its crazy beautiful.

over the past week.. some new people have entered my life.. and its weird.. cuz they're all leaving singapore. i always seem to meet the BEST of people, but they all live overseas. and they're like my closest mates.. and they know whats going on with me. but its hard forthem and for me to know exactly everything thats going on because of the distance, and its hard when you're going through a rough time and they're on the other side of the world. but just knowing that they're there..and that they're ur friends who will always stick by you and stand up for you... makes you feel comforted. the friends who accept you for who you are- even ur flaws and imperfections..make you feel beautiful, makes you love yourself. all of you.

and as for guys. my plan is to lay off from them for awhile. i'm not sure how long that will last (haha).. cuz the last time i promised myself not to go out with someone...i broke it. how foolish of me. or was i? but it was through this foolishness..that i fell the hardest. and i reckon, this IS a positive thing for me. no matter how much shit ive been thru, no matter how much ive cried..and no matter how much im STILL hurting.. it's been worth it. yes, my heart is still very much taken by someone. someone who probably doesn't care about me anymore. or think about me. someone who doesn't even know how much he has affected my life, and how much he still is a part of my life. someone who doesn't know how it feels to have your hopes lifted so high up after being so far down...only to have it all crashing down again. someone who doesn't know how it feels to cry by yourself at an airport, somehow knowing that it was the last time things will be the way they were.. knowing that with time, they will change. i will change. someone who used to tell me to look at the stars when i was feeling alone, when they were away from me and not holding me close. that they were thinking about me. someone who ive defended and stood up for alot of times. someone who ive lost friends for. someone who i would risk almost everything for, to just make sure they are happy. that they are safe and doing well. that when they need me, i'll be there. they wudnt know how it feels to cry alone, to have noone wipe away their tears... to have noone hold you because you're shaking so much from all the crying.

BUT.

then theres the people i meet and the real friends who sincerely wanna be there for me that make all the difference. a bump into a friendly stranger at an esprit store made a big difference recently... being around them made me have hope..that i can meet new people...that i can be myself and not have to worry..that i dont have to live mylife this way. that its okay for me to be happy and to have fun. that its okay that im not some big-chested, air-headed slut who just has friends because of the clothes they wear, the things they buy, the way they say 'yes please' when sex comes knocking round the door.

as i said before,it's weird how i always meet people when they're leaving... and yes it's a sad thing.. but one day..i shall be leaving singapore. i really wanna leave now actually..but i cant. i have my commitments and my priorities. but sometimes it gets too much living in this city... so small and restricted, always having to say bye to really good friends. i hate watchin people go. ive got my close mates in japan, in germany, in poland, in australia.... in america.. where else next?

signing up to be on a basketball team.. has changed my life in a weird way too. i focus all my negative thinking and energy into the game..even tho ive ony played once..after the game.. i just feel so free. so carefree. like all the stress and negativity is all gone.

noone knows this but...one day i'd really like to be on the front cover of a magazine. and i dont want it to be because of the mole on my cheek..or cuz of some other "part" of me. if i wanna be on a cover of a magazine, i want it to be because i did something great. something worth my while. i want it to be because im a real person with the same problems and issues that everyone else has. all the insecurities...  it shouldn't always have to be some gorgeous eurasian or brazilian model, it shouldn't always have to be a celebrity. why cant it just be a real person?... but then again..models and celebrities are real - depends really, we never know these days eh?

shit im rambling too much again haha...

<3 emi xxx