blah im bored..and cold...and upset as hell!

life has just begun...one hates what one fears...i hate my past because im scared of my past being my future! very few people know my past...and some people that i didnt want knowing knows my past now..but ill have to deal because i cant change it..i just hope they all keep quiet and let my past disappear because i cannot relive it. its something that really messed up  my life yet made it all the better...confusing as it seems but you wouldnt understand unless you lived it. ive gone through a lot..more than a 70 year old person has probably ever gone through. i watched my friend commit suicide. i was really into drugs. i stole..vandalized..assaulted...and all that hurt me yet it made me stronger. would i change anything in my past? hell no! but my past makes my future all the better..and my past is what sets me apart from all the people around me... i grew up before i was 14. i did so many bad things in my past that i lost every bit of my parents trust and im not talkin like oh they will trust me again in a week..it took  me THREE fucking years to gain the trust and i still dont have it all back...my parents still tell me i need to think about things before i act even though ive changed so much. people just sometimes dont understand that...my family secret... is seriously a secret..and if it gets out like crazy then im fucked and i will guarantee that nobody in this state will ever see me again because i will be sent away. people dont know how this works. and you never will because you havent lived it. you know a lot of poeple take life for granted but what they dont understand is that life is the longest thing ever but within a split second of a stupid decision it can be over like that..and for me thats almost happened three times...ive died twice in my life from overdosing but thankfully doctors got my heart pumping...and my stupid decisions made me have a life long heart disease in which i can die at any given second. i hate it when people take life for granted..i know not everyone does but a lot of people do...ugh i dont even know why i try to help and change people anymore...cuz people just look at me like what a fucker liar..but its whatever....i have no clue what im talking about anymore...im just babbling on...all im saying is ive patched up my past and i did let it go and it wasnt getting to me until yesterday when it all just exploded in my face...which sucks but you gotta deal with whats thrown at you...ugh! well i think im done talking now. so im out.

i love you baby

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rebekka