So I had this weird dream last night. I died (don't remember how) and I went to the afterlife. Now, I don't particularly believe in life after death (no offense) so I was a little surprised when I arrived. It was not like how people always describe Heaven. It was more like a holding center. When I arrived, there were a bunch of people who seemed just as lost as I was. I was lead into a room that resembled a warehouse. There was a section with arcade machines (I guess to keep people busy). Everyone was chit chatting with each other. We all knew we were dead, but somehow none of us seemed freaked out by it.

I was talking to some guy and he was explaining to me about how if you do something wrong in this place, they take you away forever. I guess that means no more afterlife and they erase your entire existence or something. But yeah, it kinda sucked since you don't really know anyone around you, and you're placed in these big rooms of maybe a few hundred people per group. My dream didn't last long enough for me to realize how it would be if I stayed there for a long time, but if that's how the afterlife is, it's pretty depressing.

There was practically nothing to do and you have to make new friends. It felt more like a filing cabinet or something. Like after you die, you are placed in a designated area forever. I wonder...

I know you're reading this.

NEET or not, I don't see a reason for an OFFLINE meeting. I read your myspace blog post and I still don't see a legitimate reason for one. If Welcome to the NHK has taught you anything, it's that you can get by life being happy doing mediocre tasks. Who gives a shit about mediocrity. Yes, 99.9% of us will be mediocre, and we can't do shit about it. However, that shouldn't stop us from living a happy life. Or at the very least, a mediocre life. Life in itself is awesome enough.

I feel like I've been digging myself a hole and have only been digging deeper and deeper. It's hard for me to think about how I am going to get out, but I know there should be a way. If you can't climb straight up, then dig sideways and make your way up slowly.

Life itself is a big conspiracy. Everything we do and think has already been predetermined by our society. There isn't much we can do about it except try to live through this. Death is but an easy way out. Enjoy life while you have it.

What about the impact on everyone around you once the deed is done? Like that janitor said in Welcome to the NHK, everyone would be looking for you, everyone would be worrying about you, the location you're at would be avoided, etc. Any disappearance does not only affect the one who disappears.

Take the positive from Welcome to the NHK. That anime is probably the only anime that I have rewatched and attempted to analyze.

Am I right or not? Respond if you wish. I will be here waiting.

p.s. i feel like i'm in deep shit right now. no idea how i'm gonna go about fixing it, but i'll try.

Please excuse my languange...

I just finished watching some series blah blah... but it really made me think. It really made me wonder what I'm doing with my life right now. Well, in the show I just watched, the protagonist realizes that without anyone to take care of him, all he has is himself. He finally goes out and gets a job so that he can feed himself. Honestly, that hit me pretty hard. As small as it may seem, I was surprised the writers did that. If you read my previous posts, I'm sure you'd know which show I'm talking about.

Well, I'm pretty screwed. I'm not totally screwed, but I'm pretty screwed. How many hours have I spent online, on my RSX forums, posting, lurking, etc. All that time wasted.

Honestly, prior to being let go from my part time job, I had a plan for what I was going to do this summer. I was planning on taking one class per session (2 summer sessions at UCSD), work during my dead hours, and come back home on the weekends (which should be pretty long weekends due to shorter classes). But yea... now that I don't have a job, I was planning on going back home, apply for a job at Whyville (kid's website), and take one summer school class at ELAC. However, there was one other thing I had to factor in. Last school year, I did not complete the minimum 36 units for the school year, so I was placed on Financial Aid Probation. Now, it would have been fine if financial aid simply meant stuff like scholarships, but the e-mail I received from the financial aid office stated that it also included bank loans.

I am fucked. I have been surviving and attending college solely on bank loans because my family can't afford to pay for everything. FAFSA never gives me any money, because they say my parents should be able to supply me with $35k a year for my tuition and board. Such fuckin bullshit. What is this conspiracy?

So, I am currently enrolled in 2 classes during this current Spring quarter (I had previous dropped on due to an epic failure). I am seriously on the road to another epic failure in my Physics class, so it looks like I will need to drop that class too. The reason why I am dropping classes, is because I was placed on academic probation last quarter and need to get a 2.0 gpa. If I don't then I don't know what will happen. Expulsion possibly? I can't let that happen. I've invested too much damn time and money to go to UCSD. I am going to fuckin graduate. Honestly, I could give a shit if it took me 5, 6, 7, 8 years to get my bachelors. As long as I graduate knowing that I know my shit, I'll be happy. Too bad (I think) UCSD would not allow that. I believe there's a maximum amount of units you can take.

So yes, with the droppage of my 2nd class, I will be left with just a mere 1 class (4 units). Now, you need a minimum of 36 units for the year, I took 12 in the fall, 12 in the winter, and if I drop this class, only 4 for the spring, which adds up to 28 units. I'm 8 units shy of meeting the minimum. Which means that I need to take 8 units during the summer or I'm fucked (financially) next year.

So, I can't come back home and apply for Whyville, because I need to stay in SD to take classes. I wish there were classes offered at ELAC or some other local community college near home that transferred for my major courses, but nope. I'm fucked. So, now I will be forced to stay in San Diego, take one class per session, without any money coming in. I have a few options, but I think my best option is to stay in San Diego and take summer school.

Honestly, I really want to apply for Whyville, simply because I've been on the site for a while and Candace works there. I know I would be a good worker, but thems the breaks right? (stealing Zoe's line)

HAHHAHAHAHHA....... I guess you just gotta play with the cards you're dealt. I've made some pretty bad moves, but I think I'll manage.

Like Aston told me... I just need to climb out of the hole I dug myself into, and it's a pretty fuckin deep one.

I know my problems aren't as tough as a lot of you guys, but honestly, I think it's the toughest thing I've had to go through my entire life.

The series I just watched made me want to quit, or at least dramatically cut back on how much I go onto ClubRSX and DC5Nation. I will probably continue to visit Whyville, Gaia, Facebook, Myspace, etc since I spent way less time on those sites. For crsx and dc5n, I pretty much just keep refreshing the damn page to see what new posts there are. If there are no new posts, I will usually post in the whore threads to raise my post count.

I always knew that raising my post count and rep doesn't give me any real rewards, but the other day Zoe told me that and I thought about it... I really don't get anything. I've met a few people, maybe hang out with one, but what am I really doing?

Okay, watching Welcome to the NHK, the main character got really into this one online game. Although forums are different, I feel like I've been sucked in just as much as he has. I feel like my forum addiction is just as bad as those who are addicted to WoW and other online games.

Honestly, I really really want to quit, but I just can't think of anything to do. When I'm sitting there in my room after getting back from class, waiting for class, or just sitting around in the middle of the night, I can't think of anything better to do than to go on the internet and check sites, forums, etc. The internet is an evil entity. In middle school, I used to be able to watch T.V. and still get all my shit done, but the internet takes over your life. I used to be able to play games while still being able to manage my life. However, the internet takes over your life.

The abundance of information and vast number of possibilities of things you can do on the internet is just plain evil. Was the internet created to make our lives miserable? Maybe this is all just a big conspiracy. THEY are really watching our every move as we type, browse, etc on this giant Web. What will it take to cure me of my problem?

Do I need some kind of stupid reality check? What is it??? What do I do now?? I tell myself everything will be alright, but I don't even know what to do.

I kind of feel like the fuckin main character. How he thinks everyone is looking down at him. Watching his every move. I feel like I need to be this person who graduates from college worry-free, gets a well-paying job, and raises a good family. I mean, I WANT to be that person, but can I? Was I even capable of doing these things from the beginning? My whole life, people have been telling me that I'm a smart kid and that I'll be successful when I grow up. Where the fuck did it go wrong? Where did I start to deteriorate as a person? Am I a failure as a human?

FUCK! sorry... just venting now. I didn't mean for this entry to be so... crazy. I'm pretty much just rambling about whatever is currently on my mind. A plethora of unorganized thoughts just typed onto this blank screen in front of my eyes at fuckin 4am on a Monday night.

Maybe...  I need some excitement in my life. I need something exciting to happen. I need to find something that excites me. Maybe a project? Who knows. Actually, I'd really like to save up some money to go on a trip to Japan. Not sure how much I would need. I'm guessing $3k for a decent trip. I'm nowhere near that much, unless I sell every part on my car that I have been putting on for the past 2 years. I'd rather not do that, but without a job, I don't know what else I can do...

I need a vacation. Not just the same kind of vacations with family, but the kind of vacation where I can wake up and do whatever the hell I want. Not here in socal. Hopefully in Japan within the next few years. I just want to, I don't know. What's that thing called when people go away to "find themselves"? I think that's what I need.

Or maybe I just want to run away from my problems. That can't be a good thing. I'd like to face my problems, but I know I've been running for a while. It's never easy.

I guess I'm done. I think I've exhausted my mind of all the thoughts I'm having. peace yo. stay safe

-yukihiro