| heigh hos... first of all sorry on 2 counts - for not updating in a small eternity (so much has been happening and i've been thoroughly ashamed of self on the weight front) and this is gonna be like, the biggest entry in the history of the world lolz.
    
so ya... last wrote some time last term... i actually managed to go 6 weeks without puking (omfg), tho i was still using tablets on and off, and of course not puking seriously hampered the weight loss (tho didn't put any on by some small miracle). Lisa (my lil sis) came to see me for one wkend, which was luvvly, went shopping and stuff and got horrendously drunk on the saturday we started off in the graduate (bar/pub type thing) where we totally sucked at darts was well funny, we bought a pack of fags to share, only i bought marlboro lights... and she spacked at me and ripped the filters off while lecturing me about their lack of nicotine and phoning her friend so share her annoyance!! neways, we're pretty drunk by this point, and i'm bored of the place, so we start to go... then notice the door's open to the club hehe... so we snuck in without paying and started dancing (haha, that's just reminded me, i'd given her my passport to get in anywhere as u have to be 18, and the idiots believed it!!)... this is like the first time she's been in a club and she's totally loving it.... before long, coupla guys start dancing with us... she's not interested coz she's gay and i'm taken, but i tell her we shd wind them up a bit was so funny watching her drunkenly flirting with this guy and telling her she goes to the uni!! i demanded we leave when my guy started trying to kiss me mind lolz. got back and she collapsed on the bed while i danced round singing fall out boy into a hairbrush til i crashed into the wardrobe and fell on the floor john found us in a heap on my bed at about 4am lolz, and couldn't stop laughing... espesh when i started rabbitting on about "when i go to hell... i'm going to go on a picnic to the beach with satan.... there will be thermos flasks and bluebells..." rotfl, i took her to the gym on sunday :p she's never been before lolz
john was being all weird and i kept asking him why... eventually he admitted he still had feelings for his ex... we talked bout it for ages, and he decided it wasn't fair on me to stay together. we were both crying and i spent ages with music blasting ridiculously loud and chain smoking to stop me crying. i was so mad at myself for letting a guy get me in that state lolz. he came back day after, saying all he'd wanted to do the night before was come in and hold me, and he realised he was being an idiot and it was me he wanted. he went on for a long time and seemed genuine, so i let him back. we planned me going to stay for a few days with him in somerset over xmas and he was all excited bout it, and me meeting his mates. was keeping my feelings a bit more guarded tho after what had happened, espesh as i knew he'd be staying with his ex at her uni for a few days at the start of the hols.
oh, on the day this all happened, i just wanted to get away for a bit, so i called ollie (knew from first secondary school, now at same uni) and we spent ages talking in my room (john left me alone lolz, coz he was feeling guilty)... only it isn't long before he sticks his hand down my pants *sighs*. didn't really stop him coz i was all over the place emotionally.
    
went to see mike at lincoln uni bit after that woo... was luvvly just to talk shit over booze and fags lolz :) got trashed on the first night and remember being ridiculously loud (singing fall out boy into a hairbrush again lolz) and fooling around with this emo guy (*slaps wrist for cheating*...poor excuse being john had upset me...oh, that reminds me i have a confession to make :s i said roy had kissed me?? i kinda slept him... well, a drunken attempt at lolz. i don't know why, it was stupid and everything's been awkward with him ever since) spent sat eating hangover food and feeling ill lolz... by 7 we decided enough was enough and got our asses down the pub again :p rotfl, we stole the cue ball from a snooker table, 2 baubles off the xmas tree and the "over 18's only, ID may be required" sign to put on mike's door!! we bought the 12 shots for whatever it was and shared them between the 2 of us :p got pretty wrecked then went on to a club... wasn't long before i collapsed into his mate's lap HA - bouncer comes over wanting to know what i'm doing and dave's all like "it's ok! i'm gay!!" this was the point i was half-carried out and back to dave's lolz... and puked on his carpet *turns red* tho they did have sex in the same room while i was passed out!!!!!!! :p oh, and i totally love mike for giving me the ville valo poster i screamed and hugged when i saw it:p
me and said guy. forget his name...
mike :D:P
will skip to the xmas hols now... so on like the first day back home, john calls sounding all jittery and emotional... asked what was up... "i think u know..." told him it wasn't a gd time and hung up. so ya, he decided he still had feelings for her (ffs lolz). i wasn't upset this time, i was just pissed off. he tried to text and IM a coupla times over the hols, but chose to ignore, i didn't want him making a hard time (being home fucks me up totally) even harder. so i announce publicly i want some meaningless sex!! and rotfl, had loadsa ppl offer their "services" :p was totally bemused by the whole thing... zach was stripping for me on webcam (i was drunkenly telling him what to do LMAO) and saying he'd be a fuck buddy, alex says he'd be happy to be a fuck buddy... coupla other ppl "ARG i have a gf, but i wd have :p" made me smile lolz.
day after i'm back, hannah realises i'm home, so comes over in like, half an hour lolz. lozzy came too and all played that stupid card game and got really pissed!! my sister was joining in too lolz... we start ranting about how men suck but how we're all really horny... and how we shd have a lesbian threesome hahahaha. we all end up getting off with each other and me and hannah fooling around a bit in bed.... was so random lolz. tho it now seems to be verging on a party-piece for me and han to get off at parties :p well, we're gonna get together when we're sick of guys neways hahahahahahahaha
she also took me to her church youth group thing and lozzy (sister's friend) was saying i was looking thin   kyle was like "u shdnt be" "why?" "coz all the girls will be jealous and hate u!!" and he made several comments bout me being sexy lolz... i had a smile on my face at the end of all that lolz.
seeing friends was nice, but i hated being back really, coz i cdnt stop b/p-ing, as predicted. and it was harder coz of the RETARDED new shower that kept switching to freezing, and was too powerful so kept filling the bath with water... NOT gd for purging!!so i was like drinking every day to start with, then i was getting stoned every day (mum was like "ur sleeping a lot, u ok??" ya... i'm just monging:p:p) was doing so much i was getting hallucinations which really bemused me lolz... my light turned into a little man in a suit that ran across my ceiling and somersaulted... a yeti arm came out of my mirror and patted me on the leg... and i developed an annoying new habit of forgetting what i was talking about half way through a sentence and being confused as hell :p
went to see the chippendales with charles and mum for her bday hehehe:P so much fun lolz, and got a hug and peck on the cheek from one of them:p mum was lil jealous:p
had a partay at some point while mum was seeing her parents, which was pretty hilarious... had charles, joe, martin, jake, andy and jimmy over, and we got stoned/drunk as hell... which unfortunately meant we ate lots of cake and ice cream lolz. jimmy was so funny, he went the "i love u all!!" drunk, but unfortunately he is freakishly strong:p there were times he was lying on my bed with an inane grin on his face, with one of us in each arm and the rest of us trying to free the 2 ppl and failing:p at some point we got a coupla hrs sleep when we bunged donnie darko on... was strange, i spent a lot of the time arm in arm with joe or on his lap, and when we fell asleep we were cuddled up... was nice. he makes me feel safe. he was the one kept reassuring me when i was convinced there was a bloke in a beige coat there lolz (thank u weed :p).
met up with lisa's mates without her a coupla times which was hilarious (i smoke weed, lisa doesn't:p) one night i had to fireman carried to the bus stop coz i was so stoned/drunk (i had previously collapsed in the toilets and no one believed me when i said i was saved by rapping girls!!) and i kept whining that i didn't have nice knickers on and everyone must be able to see them with me slung over tony's shoulder!!
ah, on the guy front over the hols... was kindof annoyed being back in hbay - seriously, u walk a few feet down the street and there's car horn's and wolf-whistles... sometimes u just want to be left alone coz u don't feel up to facing anyone. anyways, coz i did actually just want some meaningless sex, stopped to talk to some fairly cute, but nevertheless idiot of a bloke, and ended up shagging him in a side street... classy :( something to laugh about tho - he kept going on about "oh my god, this is like something straight out of sex and city!" *sighs* well u were crap mate!! went to the pub with lisa one night, and a coupla guys celebrating one of their 18ths ask us to play pool with them, which of course we do, and have a laugh... at end of night, drop lisa off at home and i go back with these guys. slept with the cute-and-not-trashed one :p met up with alex at some point, and like fooled around... but it was strangely sweet. he was being really lovely, and paid for my drinks etc. surprised myself by realising if i wasn't at uni i wd have gone out with him... usually only shows his "joking about sex" side, but there was more then. *sighs at unfortunate circumstances lolz*
new yr's eve, we went to jake's house for big partay.... is so funny there, his parents said we cdn't smoke tobacco in there, but we cd smoke weed!! *and* they were showing phil how to use their bong and helping us cook hash-pizza:p hannah was my new yrs kiss lolz. me (left) and han (i'm stoned as feck in case u can't tell:p)
i was pretty pissed off by end of hols, the munchies, booze and terrible b/ping meant i put on TEN AND A HALF FUCKING POUNDS. ARG. spent ages at the start of term wearing loose clothes and hiding away. got to 112 pretty quickly, losing a pound a day thanx to mia. but flu then came along to screw me over, i actually cdnt get out of bed for a week. started getting really depressed again round this point, mia does this to me when it starts getting intense.
oh, on the john front... my anger had gone, and i thought we cd be gd friends, so i listened (and made a point of not disagreeing:p) as he rambled on about what a bastard he was and how he was sorry / been beating himself up for ages. so all's supposedly fine. then he goes and pisses me off again. we're watching a dvd in my room, and he starts edging towards me and feeling me leg, then tried to kiss me. i never thought he wd make me feel like laurence made me feel - awkward and sick. but apparently u just feel like that when a guy is randy and pushing it when u DEF don't want it. i remind him he's with katie and he goes all apologetic... tho bloody goes "u know i wasn't using u right? just u know, hot girl, in bed..." well there's a contradiction in terms if i ever heard one... from this point his behaviour just starts to really piss me off, he's loud and violent with other ppl's things (thought he was gonna break my scales) and crazy opinionated. but i carry on being "friends". then his sodding gf turns up. why the fuck didn't he tell me?? what did he think i was gonna do?? and from that point i stopped talking to him, i can't be bothered having twats like him, who're gonna throw everything back in my face, in my life. he tried to talk to me about 3 weeks later, but i told him i'd made it clear i didn't want to talk to him and he left.
oh, when i was pissed at john, ollie asked if i wanted to go over so i wasn't on my own.ended up sleeping with him, which was all fine and sweet but retarded that he kept going "thank-u for last night"
    
so ya... i'm feeling fat and depressed, and i go to see charles at the uni in surrey. oh dear lord that wkend... fri was uneventful, it was sat that was. went shopping during the day, then to a club at night. charles has been having seizures and needs an MRI scan, but is on meds for now... so we're obv worried when he has a funny turn dancing, and go sit down for bit. he insists he's fine and him and lisa go back to dance, while me and chris finish our drinks. we started fooling around, then lisa rushes up saying we need to get outside coz charles has gone really dodgy... i'm pissed as feck by now btw... we rush outside, and help him back to the flat. somone calls security, who call an ambulance. charles has a fit while ppl hold down, then slowly comes round, but can't tolerate light. the ambulance crew decided he shd still go to hospital, so i went with him in the ambulance. we were still in A&E til fooking 5:30am. i called ryan for him (his bf in america... they planned to marry and he's like, everything to charles... he'd told me he'd've killed himself ages ago if it wasn't for him) tho i started worrying a bit - he didn't seem concerned at all.
neways, so we get back at this retarded hour, and i fall asleep pretty quick. half an hour later, i'm woken by charles crying. i jumped up and held him as he shook and cried, and asked what was wrong - ryan had dumped him. i asked why, and he suddenly straightened up marched out and yelled "FIND OUT!" as he chucked his mob at me and left the building. i called ryan and he wdnt come to the phone, so i ranted at the housekeeper for a while til i realised that was pointless and unfair, and hung up. chris had woken up by now, and he came and sat with me while we waited for charles. was obv rather worried about him... he comes in not long later and just says "get out. i won't tell u again." so we walk out and sit in the next room worrying... then i hear pills rattling and demanded chris call security again while i tried to talk to charles through the door... i felt so helpless tho, didn't know what to say. luckily, he stormed out into the kitchen, and lay all these pills out with a glass of water. most ppl in the flat are up now, and the guys are restraining him while us girls were scooping all the pills away. charles was yelling to be left alone and for ppl to get off him... eventually they did and he demanded i move out the doorway. i just stood there and said "i'm sorry... but i can't let u go..." tho he then managed to grab a knife so we had to let him go... he stormed to his room and security arrived. charles basically told them to fuck off, and there was nothing they cd do about it. so they called the police for us. i think i was this point i randomly broke down... i'd been numb before and thought i was fine, but the next second i was collapsed in tears. chris was great, and he sat with me in the room next to charles again. he was on his computer for ages, then suddenly appears and chucks a load of things in the doorway - his wallet, phone etc and a bit of paper... said bit of paper was clearly a suicide note, so i begged someone to follow him while i read it... my bit was in german, but translated : "emma - also all for u. stay strong. u know u are better than all other ppl. strive to be happy." to his parents... "i'm sorry i wasn't the son u wanted me to be. u tried, i failed. please forgive me." there were a coupla poems as well, i just cdnt stop crying... it's heartbreaking reading one of ur closest friend's suicide notes.
thank GOD the police chose that moment to arrive. they caught him outside, and he was getting really mad with them, but he had a nother seizure and apparently woke up in the police van... they sectioned him under the mental health act for 72hrs. he called me from there and sounded so angry... but knowing him and after talking to his mum, i'm sure it's just coz he was trying to cry so his words were really short and run together :( bout 7:30am i wandered off for some fresh air and to call mum... i still cdnt stop the tears, and mum like jumped straight in the car to fetch me and take me back to warwick uni. i was completely numb and utterly shattered... but cdnt sleep. this went on for days, barely sleeping, not feeling anything but then randomly bursting into tears.
saw my tutor after got back and explained my work was in a mess - flu, bulimia and now this. he was unbelievably sympathetic, said it seemed terribly unfair this had happened to me now, and wrote me notes to get me out of 3 weeks work basically. he also advised i go home for a few days, or at least have a few days out of lectures.
 god i love her...
on the monday, i thought i was ok (OOPS) so i got horrendously drunk... had about 3/4 bottle of vodka... then went stupidly depressed. i looked at the sleeping tablets, was thinking i cd at least get my stomach pumped and be a lil thinner if not dead lolz... looked at the knife... then i was like "what's stopping u??" "you know u cd actually die.." "that wdnt be such a bad thing now wd it??" so i slashed it over and over on my wrist as hard as i cd. not sure exactly what happened next, but remember being slumped in the hall crying my eyes out while dave was on the phone to 999 saying "yeah, she's definitely done it..." ... bee was comforting me and matt walked in briefly and said "oh my god..." the ambulance got there, and they put paper stitches over my wrist and said they were taking me to hospital... bee came with me. they kept telling me i'd also taken an overdose, and i kept telling them they were wrong... i'd taken 40 laxatives coz i didn't want any food in me, not coz i was overdosing.
i remember apologising loads, saying there were ppl seriously ill who really needed medical attention, and then there were idiots like me wasting their time. i was told basically to shut up coz i did need help. i had to talk to this guy in an office for ages, telling him bout myself and my "issues". tho i have to laugh about when he asked if i did any illegal drugs... i just replied "cannibis whenever i can get my hands on it." he was telling me this wasn't just a case of "teenage angst" (nah, really?!!!) and it wd take me a long time to open up to someone and basically sort myself out. i had my blood-sugar level tested and it was stupidly low, so this nurse demands i drink a full cal hot choocie with 2 sugars... i completely spacked out, started crying and saying i cd no way have that many calories this early in the morning. she then threatened me with being put on a drip to get sugar in me if i wdnt drink it, so i had to... cried the whole time, felt such an idiot and so panicky.
neways, i'm knackered from writing now so i'll fill the rest in laters... that's got the major stuff in. sorry it's so absurdly long, and hope uve all been better than i have!! i'll write loadsa comments to u all probs 2moro :)
stay strong xxx
ps almost back to 108, had another minor setback thanx to weed but nearly there thanx to intense mia. atm i puke usually twice and take 40 tablets a day. constantly light-headed and hungry, and losing 1/2lb-1lb a day. been taking a lot of drugs off the net simply coz i know i won't eat, too. tho arg... i have to go to this appt with a psychiatric nurse on wed, and she also wants to refer me to an ED clinic. i just want to be beautiful and thin....
pps my random emo roman :p
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