Viva la Revolution - The Adicts

It's been a while everyone, how are we all doing? It's been another all-nighter here at my house and I'm just waiting for 6:30 to roll around so I can leave.

Good news everyone, I'm going to Thailand in a year or so!
It's been decided, since the Muay Thai/MMA camp there is so cheap, it will be easy to save up. The only problem will be the tickets since two round-trip tickets will cost me around $4,000-$5,000 easy. It's worth it, to get away from the filth that is Akron and live in the beautiful land of Phuket, Thailand. I'll be training for about 7-8 hours almost everyday (except for Sunday) and the couple hours in between morning and evening training sessions, I have my pick of different markets, beaches, Muay Thai/Kickboxing fights, TukTuk rides, mingling with the natives, and anything else really. I think I'm going to see if the University of Akron offers Thai as a language.

That's about it everyone.

Grow Old With Me - The Beatles

I'm not allowed to spend the night anywhere ever again (until I'm 18).
No one's to blame but me.
I'm just scared that when he finds out that my parents know...
He'll be too scared to stay with me.

I just hope knows that I am willing to quit Post Secondary for him.
And I'd give up any ability I had to be with him.
I'd give up a lifetime in Heaven just to spend a day with him.
I'd give anything to be with him.

I love him with every atom of my being. Everything that holds me together, it's all for him. My thoughts almost constantly revolve around him. When I'm with him, everything stops and it's like our own little world. Even when we argue, I don't feel empty like I do when I argue with my parents. He fills me, he makes me whole. I'm in love with him, I can say it with pride and confidence. I want to be with him until the end of my days and then some.

If the afterlife is what I picture it, let me spend it with him or let me blink out of existence permanently. I want no one else.

I've prayed for him.
I've prayed for us.

And I still am praying.
Because losing him would make life unliveable.
Losing him would be the end of everything.
Because that would tell me for sure that all the precious things I've ever attained will eventually be taken away.
And I cannot handle that.
I cannot handle losing him.
It will kill me.
And I would be gone.

I love you BB.
Grow old along with me.
Whatever fate will bring.
We will see it through.
For our love is true.
God bless our love.
God bless our love.

Thank You - Home Made Kazoku

↑ Upside ↑ → because I like to look at the bright side
♥ - BB and I are closer than ever
♥ - School is less frustrating
♥ - I might be getting my phone sooner than I thought because...
♥ - I got about $200 both jobs plus some extra allowance from my mother (for the rest of the year apparently)
♥ - I just found a wonderful workout that I'm going to apply so I can get back into shape
♥ - No college or Highschool November 22 - 24 for Thanksgiving!!
♥ - No school means more time with BB (Especially Thursday and Friday!)


↓ Downside ↓
♠ - I didn't get to see that show because my ride skipped out
♠ - I have Introduction to Psychology tomorrow meaning a lot of bus riding for me
♠ - Skipping this class is no longer an option (unless Lina would be so kind as to lend me her notes)
♠ - I'm still considering skipping this class anyway seeing as the notes are almost worthless and I can get the notes from Lina
♠ - I can't sleep in with BB tomorrow because he's got work at 10:30.
♠ - I'm being forced to go to Thanksgiving over at my aunt's house...and I stick out like a sore thumb.
♠ - The majority of the people there are slightly racist or what my mother classifies as "old fashioned"
♠ - Even if I bring a friend, I want to go have Thanksgiving dinner with BB's family like I was so invited to

BB's whole family apparently is telling him that I'm eventually going to leave him. You guys know me by now, you know how attached I get right? I just wish I could let him know how dedicated I am to him. I want him to know that it will take no less than death to separate me from him because I have fallen in love with him. He could scream at me until his lungs collapsed and my only concern would be for his health. He could beat me until I was broken and my only concern would be bleeding all over the place (he's never laid a hand on me by the way and never will, he's too gentle). It's not that I'm blinded by love, I've been through that before and I am wise to that ploy. No, I am sacrificing anything and everything to him by choice because I know he's perfectly willing to do the same.

I told him a story today, here it is:
'You know this guy BB? He's pretty rad you know, I really like him. He has a comfy little apartment where he, his cat, and I go to hang out. We usually play video games, or watch movies, or joke around. When we're out we laugh loudly. Like I said, this BB guy, he's perfect, and I love him so much. He means the world to me.'

My applause was in the form of a bashful little smile and a twinkle in his warm, chocolate brown eyes ♥ I wonder if he realizes just how much he means to me? I wonder if he knows that he occupies my thoughts every milisecond of the day. Does he know that every decision I make is based on how the outcome will affect him? Maybe he doesn't, he is afraid to trust me because he's been burnt in the past, but that's okay, I will do all that's in my power to heal him.

In the words of Oldboy, "even though I am no better than a beast, don't I deserve the right to live?" Though, rather, in my case, "even though I am no better than a whore, don't I deserve the right to love?"

I wish I could show BB to the world and yell with all my strength, "look! Look at how beautiful he is! And he's all mine!!"

He is scared that our age gap might mean that we live in two different worlds, but it was then I asked him how it was when we were together, just him and me. If we indeed live in two different worlds, they combine into one the moment we see each other each and every day. He's scared of me walking away, I'm terrified of losing him. How silly we are, we apologize constantly, we wrestle, we give each other wedgies and dutch ovens. He makes me laugh and I make him laugh.

It's these good times that make the world a brighter place for me. He makes me want to go to bed as soon as I can so I can get up to a new day. He gives me hope for bigger and better things. Together, we begin to form an unstoppable force. He is my sunshine, my 恋人, my protector, my lovely Irish Boy. My heart is exploding with how much I feel for him.

How corny am I? Suddenly I really don't care ♥

- 수경   闇　やみ -

My Pace - Sunset Swish

Things have been looking up and down lately.

The Upside
♥ - I'm very happy with BB
♥ - I might be moving in with said BB within the next year (if we last)
♥ - I can finally stay somewhere where I feel happy and warm
♥ - Said place has a wonderful cat named Earl (who likes to curl up on me when I sleep)
♥ - Said place also just got a new spring-loaded futon which beats the couch
♥ - BB told me something that made my heart soar (but I can't say anything, only that I am ecstatic)
♥ - I get to go see NEKROMANTIX, Koffin Kats, and Chop Tops Tuesday for only $11!!!!!

The Downside
† - Not only am I apparently dysthymic, I'm also bipolar
† - BB scared the shit out of me at one point and time
† - I don't have my iPod at the moment D:
† - My mom refuses to turn my cell back on, therefore I must buy a new one...
† - I haven't worked for a long ass time
† - When reading through a fellow KAD's blog, I found out my worst fears are most likely true
† - I haven't figured out why I've been pulling all nighters so much lately

It's sort of half-half with everything. Everything sort of balances each other out and I guess I'm okay with that. I'm sort of tired (seeing as it's 4:11 am) but I need to write my Introduction to Psychology research paper and then what would be the point of going to sleep when I need to get up by 7am anyhow? I might as well just stay up, make myself a good breakfast, and go to BB's where a comfy futon and a sleepy Irishman awaits.

My mom finally woke up to reality tonight and said, "I feel like you're treating home like a hotel. And if that's the case, hotels don't give out cellphones."

Thanks for the love, Ma.

Alright, Hotels also have no authority over their clients in terms of...
♣ - When their client comes/leaves the vicinity
♣ - If they come back
♣ - Where they were or what they were doing during the time they were away
♣ - What time they go to bed
♣ - When it's time to come back
♣ - Etc...

Sorry mom, if you want to play this game, you gotta stay sharp! You turned off my cell even though I paid for the texting. Your excuse was that you gave me the money to pay for that. Alas, when I say that I will pay you for the stuff that's mine but was bought with "your money", your protest is that along the lines of "that's different!"

How is it different? It's exactly the same.

I don't mind if you turn off my cell, but don't expect to cripple me with it. I'm buying my own with the money I earned from my jobs. That way when they need me to come in, they can actually get a hold of me instead of trying, unsuccessfully might I add, to get to me through you.

Why do you insist on me staying here when there is no warmth? Why do you persist in trying to maintain the facade of "parents" when both you and your supposed "husband" hardly interact at all. It was my "leaving the house" that spurred you two back into action. What if I had never done that? You two would be as cold as ever. Not only do I leave to get away from such a suffocating atmosphere, I am trying to spur you two into doing your jobs instead of my friends having to make up for it.

That's right, my friends have to make up for your slack.

Deal with it or do something about it (other than whine and cry - I'm sick of that).

I know your tactics by now. Take me home and attempt to lull me into a false sense of security and then when I get home BAM!!!!!!!! Time to drop a bomb and render me useless. Too bad it won't work. You now think hiding behind dad will do good. You think I fear him? You think just because he looks menacing, I will back down?

I have more pride than that. Let him swing at me. It's not going to hurt.

Frankly I'm tired of your games mother. I'm tired of playing a constant fucking game. Is that all it is to you? Do you think, 'Oh, I messed this one up, might as well have some fun, I don't have to worry about fucking things up or anything'.

The thing is, I'm biding my time. I am waiting until I can leave and when I do, I will be with someone who actually cares and tells me that he loves me. This man doesn't play games, he's always frank with me. He holds me when I'm sad and I do the same for him. We make each other laugh and see the beauty in the world. Even though we sometimes argue, in the end, we make up and are laughing once more. This man has given me self worth when you've given me nothing. Instead of sulking around, he comes to terms with whatever it is that he's bothered about and we talk instead of scream at eachother.

Maybe you'll see how beautiful this man is and how great we look together and maybe you'll even be jealous. You will have to take it as it is though because I am moving in with this wonderful man and I know because I can feel that we will last for a long time. I might just let you come over, maybe not. If you dare show any disrespect, I will cut you out of my life completely and you will never see me again. My wonderful man hates when I have to come back here and he does not like you.

Do you want to know the truth?

None of my friends like you.

Kind of the opposite of what you wanted, huh? Too bad, you made it for yourself. I'm not playing victim, I'm not saying I'm a victim at all in any sense. I just really don't like you nor the house you hold me in. At my age, my brother was out of the house just as equally as I and yet you make the excuse that he was not and most of the time it was because of his job.

Stop bullshitting me. Fuck you then, I don't need any special help from you. I will get my license and my car on my own without your help. I will go to driving school using my money so you can't touch a god damn thing. You won't see a fucking cent from me because you have become so crazed with rules and regulations you've driven yourself mad.

I can't stay to fix your problems. Fix them yourself.

-やみ-

Oh baby