these days my attention span/energy level can only really support quick little blurbs (blogging has become updating my msn screen name)
i wont be updating this on a regular basis ( .. well, i havent for a while now, have i) for the next little bit
i do have a lot of random little thoughts id like to share though
ive downloaded twitterrific (any mac users out there with twitter .. great application) so i can still check in with you guys

the link is in the little blurb above
(as well as a repeat of this little explanation)

occasionally when ive got lengthy rants ill be here
but for now, if you want to keep in touch, you can find me here

:)

i cant sleep because i have too much work to do
i cant work because i lack sleep .. and a brain
i cant blog because of the above reason
i cant talk to anyone because everyone else is sleeping


i miss facebook (omg no wai .. yes, i admit i do)
i havent updated in a long time, i know- im sorry :(

i will when i have time + energy .. at this point , that seems like it's never going to happen
for now, this is my sorry excuse for an update

its really cold
im really really really really tired
i really really really really want to sleep
i want to skip tomorrow and sleep and sleep and not wake up for a long long time
i miss summer ... i miss waking up not to the alarm but to the phone ringing
i miss going out to do things that i want to do, not to learn about things i dont want to learn about
i miss having time

but school is nice too
:)

first of all: you dont read my blog but i just wanted to say sorry for being so selfish and grumpy today and spending all morning wallowing in my own funk when your funk is so much .. funkier (but not in a good way more in a .. not good way) than mine. all morning i was kind of in an icky mood and i was kind of annoyed at the world until i stopped being self-centered for ten seconds and thought about you and realized that ive really been .. not a good friend for the past few days and i feel really bad about that .. i want to call you and apologize but i think youre still a bit mad so i'll give you some space and call you tomorrow
but yeah .. i feel awful about that so i'm sorry :(

okay
you know why its hard to make youtube videos
i only remember/feel inspired/blah blah to make vids when i watch other people's vids .. but then i end up watching a bunch of random stuff and because i cant watch stuff and film stuff at the same time (this could all sound so shady right now) i end up not filming stuff .. sorry derek

wow i forgot about this its been .. an hour? since i wrote that ^
sorry

i was going to rant about work but my wrists are hurting (from work) so we'll save that for another time
for now: please stop bothering me about recommendations and all that i dont want to hear anymore of it
think of it this way - the more you piss me off, the less i want to work with you
(i'm not talking to you derek/jess .. i mean just people in general)

okay enough with the angry bitter glum crap
see you guys tomorrow when i'll hopefully be chirpy
oh and

i deleted your comment because i dont know if you want to totally publicize that or whatever.. im guessing you wouldnt mind if it was totally publicized since you put the link on my blog not that that many people read this .. if any besides you and maybe the other random passerbyers .. is that even a word i dont think so
but yeah i deleted it not because of whatever other reason i dont know cant think of any examples but just because of that
you can put it back up ... if youd like im not sure why you would maybe to get more traffic but like i said no one reads my blog anyway so .. whatever

goodnight wooorld :')

"i am watching the tenth season of friends (which is only the bestest show ever) and i actually have not seen these episodes because for some reason they dont really play on tv (maybe because almost every episode in this season is a "omg big news big changes yay epic lolz" kind of thing and they don't want to spoil it for the people who dont watch friends religiously .. i dont know) and i dont have this dvd. its awesome that i havent seen these because i dont actually think the lines before they say them, but its kind of sad to watch these winding down episodes .. even though friends ended a long time ago .. not having seen every single episode makes it seem like its still .. going."

i do not even remember which night i wrote that .. i just know that every night i write a little bit of random, pointless stuff and then i don't really post it because it doesn't really have a beginning or an end of a point. i know its four in the morning and i know i said i was going to sleep two hours ago and i know in five hours i have to be at work for eight hours and then i have to babysit for another .. quite a bit and then i have to go home and then there are more things to do and i know i should be sleeping but i do not want to sleep right now. these days i like to sleep in a lot more than i used to. the day isn't as kind and sleeping in helps me avoid its mockery. the sunlight and they activity of the day are constant reminders that i waste away my summer sleeping and working and not really doing anything. the night lets me fester and rot in peace, but the downside would be that at night there isn't much to do and i don't have much energy to do anything anyway. i can't sleep in because i have work and i can't sleep now because i have thoughts.

this summer went by really quickly, not because it was amazing or anything like that, but because a lot has happened and a lot has changed and everything is just kind of different but it's nice. i'm not excited to start going to class again, but i'm not completely dreading it or anything like that. i don't know, i think i'm just accepting things as they go along. i'm not going to think about it.


i can't really think about anything right now.
its four.
time to sleep.

(ive been on the road nearly all my life)

The three people I was conversationing with on MSN all left at the same time so now I'm alone and I have no one to talk to except my blog again. Two of them went to go showering and that makes me suspicious that perhaps they're showering together. Knowing those two, it's entirely possible. The third is touching his leg. I don't know if that's some subtle way of telling me something a lot more personal than leg-touching but I am not going to think about it because I really do not want to imagine something more personal than leg-touching. My iTunes is telling me that there is a new version out and that I should download it but I don't want my music to be interrupted right now so I'm just going to ignore it. The little flashing thing is annoying, though, and won't go away unless I click the button. I guess now I know how the world sees me, except I didn't come with a button.

(can't believe you were the one to build me up and tear me down)

I know you probably read that and you were thinking, whoa Anna had three conversations at once? No, not really. I didn't really. I was thinking about this and I realized that talking requires the same amount of concentration as love does for some. Well, no, not like that. In the sense that people say you can only really truly love one person in a significant-other kind of way at a time. I guess that's what makes them significant. If you really want to be committed and dedicated and all that awesome stuff you really can only focus on one person at a time. After all, if loving someone is supposed to be giving someone everything you can give, how can you do that with more than one person at a time? How can you give everything twice? I can only talk to one person at a time because if I'm going to talk to someone, I don't want to just nod at the right times and insert "okay"s at the right times. I want to actually talk to them and be part of the conversation and feel like I'm really, really talking to them for the sake of talking to them. No matter who it is, I want them to have my full attention, not my partial attention. If someone is important to me, I don't want them to ever think otherwise. I have a hard time really focusing on so many people at once- when I talk to someone I actually think about what they're saying and what I'm saying, and talking to so many people at once means I can't really do that.

(i guarantee, things are sweeter in tennessee)

Of course, maybe I'm just slow. I'm probably just slow. I lose focus easily- it's been two hours since I started blogging because I left to do other things. Since so much time has passed, I have a new set of thoughts now. This is why I can only blog at two in the morning, when I won't be interrupted by the little dings of my Adium. Being on my neighbour's internet means that there aren't enough bars to keep Adium running anyway, so I won't bother. Now I'm thinking about survey sites and quote sites on Xanga. Why do people like them so much?

(freedom, what did you hope to learn about here?)

People like surveys because people like to talk about themselves. Don't deny it- you like to talk about yourself: your life, your thoughts and opinions, your day to day .. stuff. You like to talk about things you understand, and most of us like to think that we understand ourselves. I guess we don't really understand anything, sometimes. I guess life isn't really meant to be understood. But we like to think that we understand ourselves more than we understand other people, and as people, we like to talk about things we understand. Therefore we like to talk about ourselves. People like surveys because surveys ask questions we want to be asked, because surveys ask basic questions that require only enough thinking that we can figure things out about ourselves, but with very little effort. People like surveys because doing one makes life seem so simple, a yes or no or maybe kind of matter. Surveys break life down into little, manageable pieces. Surveys make us laugh with their simplicity.

(some say love is just for sinners, but i know that that's not true)

People like quotes because quotes explain life when we don't know how to. Quotes explain things we already know in words we didn't think of. Quotes are our thoughts, said in a different way. They make us realize that we are not the only ones in the world who feel the way we feel, they give us something to relate to. They help us come to terms with the things we can't really come to terms with. They help us make sense of things.

(im not going to be your whipping boy)

I'm sure you've all seen the chain letter that tells you about how much the world loves you:
1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

I'm sorry, but do people really believe that? I don't want to sound cynical and all that- I'm sure for many people, that is true. But for some people, it really isn't. Let's take number 5- I've heard that one so many times. Really, does someone think about me before they go to sleep? I highly doubt it. Maybe occasionally someone does because I pissed them off before they went to bed, because I was the last person they talked to, because we're going to hang out tomorrow morning and they're going through the next day in their head. But is there really always someone who thinks about me before they sleep?

Number one is reasonable- there are a handful of people I'd die for, and I suppose many of us have family that'd die for us. Number two is reasonable too- considering the world's loose definition for love these days, I suppose you could say that at least 15 people love you. But let's look at "you mean the world to someone". I'm sorry, but I cannot think of a single person I mean the world to.

Now I'm thinking about mememolly's video on Youtube (yaaay for Molly!): Are you anybody's favourite person (I'll put it here for you guys, actually).



I've thought about this and I don't really know who my favourite person is- I have some idea. I have a hard time narrowing it down to one person, but at the same time, I don't. I think it's a weird concept, having a favourite person. How can you just pick one? I kind of love everyone and I don't like anyone and I think everyone is amazing sometimes and less amazing other times. When I watch this one person comes to mind, kind of, so I guess that in itself kind of says something. This person is my favourite person because not only are they a good friend, they're a good person as a whole. They're not my best friend or anything like that- I don't think your best friend or your family or the person you're dating has to be your favourite person. As for whether I am anyone's favourite person: no, I am not. (If you watched the actual Miranda July film- I'm very certain, and yes, I know it's the highest level.) I don't mean that in a depressing way, but no, I really do not think I am. I can't come up with anyone who would even consider me one of their favourite people, even put me in the top five, or top ten. Maybe my parents would, but I doubt that, even. Maybe I'd be in their top ten, I don't know.

(cause i will never leave you)

I didn't mean for that post to get depressing, I guess I have a tendency to do that these days. I don't say that in a regretful kind of way. Obviously we all want to be someone's favourite person, obviously we all want someone to think the world of us. But sometimes we accept that we aren't anyone's favourite, that we won't ever matter that much to someone. We accept that and it becomes okay. It's not sad and it's not heart breaking anymore, it's just how things are and we come to terms with that. I've come to terms with it and now I can talk about it and it doesn't seem like something depressing to me. It just seems like another topic, like the weather, or how many sugar packets you want in your coffee.

(sitting around we like to talk about getting married one day kids running around)

3:09 .. time to sleep.
(can you guess all the songs without google? :p )

Good night .. good morning, whatever. Bring on the new day.