So, I have a problem with trust.  It's hard for me to trust--anyone--and I wish it were different....why is that?  I think I have been hurt by friends so much in the past, that it is now engrained in me, like a scar on my heart.

Boys play games... I have learned from my brother...

I have had a great semester end, though.  The musical was fabulous and I made many great new friends.  I am super scared and sad to leave--leave family, friends, teachers, etc.  This new chapter in my life will make me stronger, I just find it hard to say goodbye.  This summer needs to rock....hard core.

So, I am up way past what my bedtime should be, because I need to get good sleep, but I have a lot on my heart and mind.

I really wish I could have known sooner what it is like to be not included in things.  Last year, I was soaring--I hung out with everyone, my relationships with friends were great--I felt completely included in everything.  This year, my last, I feel like I am already being let go.  And I am not okay with that.  I want to continue those relationships.  I have already cried for the past four days in a row about this.  When did I become not thought of?  I highly doubt it is intentional, but it hurts and I really pray that I will think more about this in my own life.  No one wants to be forgotten.  No one wants to be out of the circle.  I am completely and utterly freaked out about graduating, and since things aren't quite the same with friends, it is making it even harder.  A friend I spoke to says that everyone goes through these feelings, but I just thought my last semester here would be awesome and I wouldn't have to worry about it for a while.  I feel like I put on a show during the day--no one truly sees my heart and how it hurts.  I will always be this person, though, because that is who I am--I pretend everything is fine and then let go at night.  "Painted on, life is behind a mask; self-inflicted circus clown, I'm tired of this song and dance..."  Natalie Grant.  I pray for peace right now....I pray for Megan and her family....I pray for my grandparents....I pray for tolerance....I pray for unconditional love....I pray for forgiveness to come easily to all...I pray that I can let go....I pray for God's plan to take hold of my life....I pray for no more tears of sadness....I pray for personal growth in my own life....I pray for the heartache to stop....I thank You for music....I thank You for loveing what I do....I thank You for health....I thank You for my family....I thank You for friendships that will last...I thank You for working in my life....I thank You for stars....I thank You for people who teach me to be a better person....I thank You for the beauty in this world....I thank You for hugs....I thank You for always being there....

I miss him.....

We all tried hanging out as a group last night, but that did not work for me.  We did not speak so much as one word to each other.  I had a lot of fun playing the games, but just being in the room with him was really hard.  I wish he would want to work things out and I wish the situation didn't end like it did.  I wish I didn't want to cry when I think about it and I wish I would move on already.  I wish I didn't like the way he kissed and I wish I didn't miss the way he buried his head in my neck when we hugged.  I wish I didn't miss him and the comfort he brought to me and the joy and excitement of knowing that someone really liked me and I liked them.  I know you have to go through break-ups to learn from them and become stronger because of them, but our relationship wasn't long enough--I expected us to have all summer to hang out and become better and to grow and learn from each other...