mum sent word the other day that grandpa was getting more ill, and i thought back of my time spent with him with much love and respect, knowing that he will be at a better place if he goes. i was glad that i wasn't upset or in crisis, cause after all i understood the human condition. i knew that we live in a fallen world. if he goes, i knew that our loss would be no greater than the many who pass each day.
and it's today that i painfully realize that i no longer feel as deeply as i used to. i can only vaguely remember back when my blog was not merely a gig guide. writing was my necessary release. i felt much more deeply, loved much more beautifully, lost much more painfully. i wrote and felt with that necessary intensity. surely i would've responded to this news very differently then. i probably would have painfully struggled as i considered the fragility and futility of human life, given much time and though to make some sense of my turmoil; and hopefully, come to appreciate a beautiful, profound meaning at the end of the tunnel. and so today, many years later, i realise that this 'strength' i was so proud to have came at a hefty price. i'm not sure now if it's any strength at all. i quietly contemplate and search my heart, for who i used to be. but even if he is still somewhere in there, i wouldn't know if it's worth paying that cost of being fragile again. maybe it isn't? it's safer after all. | 
