so my mood was obviously horrible when i posted my last entry.

and really, it still is.

i'm reconsidering friendships. i'm sick of being treated like crap. and being a convenience. i'm sick of being there for someone i love so much, and yet i get nothing in return. i'm sick of you walking all over me and taking everything i throw towards you for granted. these other people wouldnt have put up with what you did to me for months. they wouldnt care like i did. they wouldnt do it. ever.. but i did. i shouldnt have, but i did. and it kills me that you come back and treat me this way. well... i'm about to snap. and when i do you'll be sorry that i'm not there for you when no one else cares.





in other words.

tuesday and i are getting back on track. sometimes i feel like she is the only one who truly understands me. even though we fight, although we don't really fight anymore, but when we do, its usually bad.. but its just because we are both too stubborn to back down..even when we know we are the one thats wrong. maybe thats what holds us together. i don't know what i'd do without her.

which brings me to the next thing.

maybe evansville isnt where i should go.


columbia college is now an option.


i could live with my best friend, in downtown chicago.

i love chicago. and i love tuesday. and i want out of this shithole town. and i've always wanted to live someplace else for a while... cali, oregon, florida, or illinios...

i could totally settle with chicago, and surely be happy.


we'll see...

 i really have no desire to write much on here at the moment.

but heres a short update.


i still have my job at hollister. i still enjoy it. the pay rate isnt good at all, but at least i don't hate it and work with drug addicts.. oooh harsh i know, but really i couldnt care less.


my first semester of college is almost over, i'm so happy for that.

i've made up my mind about next year. i am moving to evansville.
beech grove has nothing left to offer me.




as for friends.. they come and go.
i am ready to make new ones next year.



i wish i could find real friends around here.. everyone i've grown to love and call my close friends don't seem to care about me or anything else these days. i hate to say it but its the truth.



and as for boys... there are none here for me either.


oh and my favorite member of one of my favorite bands died a few days.
casey calvert from hawthorne heights.


how sad right? at least i've seen them every chance i could. and met them. and got to see casey's last time performing in indy at warped tour this summer.

RIP
Casey Calvert 1981-2007



♥

"cause i've been thinking about leaving since the day that we met.
cause if i don't get close, when its all over i'll just forget.
cause i have seen the end so many times, i've played it in my mind.
& i'm scared to death.."


so..i guess alot has changed since i've been on here last.

i have a boyfriend now. a great one might i add. i've never felt so comfortable with someone. this is the first time i've been sure about someone. i haven't been this happy in a long time.
& of course along with me being happy, comes everyone else being negative.
"thats weird they are together" or "she's too good now that she has a boyfriend, for anyone else".
whatever guys.
honestly.. the ones who say those sort of things are the ones who obviously don't know me, or don't care about me.
so just keep talking.. i hope you like the sound of your own voice.
cause your words won't hurt me or change my mind.
& if you were true to me, you'd accept it and be happy for me.
worry about your own damn self.

school is going good. my grades are really good & the classes are simple. this is the first time since i've been in high school that i haven't struggled with math. and might i add, its a relief. college level math seemed so scary at first.. whatever. i am going to take alot more classes second semester. i'm kind of excited.

i still work at tanfastics. and its the most ridiculous job ever. all it does it bring drama to my life. someone always seems to have a problem or something to say about me, but they can never actually say it to me.
fuck it. i am putting my 2 weeks in monday--and i couldn't be any more happy about that.

i also have started working at hollister in the greenwood park mall. and i for sure love it. everyone there is so awesome & they make me laugh the entire time i am working. & i do soo much more there than i do at the tanning bed, so time doesn't drag on. i also get a good discount when seasons change & whatnot. & i get to see all the new stuff before its even put out onto the floor. its awesome.

so i think its definite that i'm moving to evansville next year. the farther i can move away  from this town, the better. the only reasons i don't want to go currently is because my family would miss me. &
 i will be so far away..
i'm not really concerned with what friends think of my decisions. its my life & i'm over beech grove. this town has nothing to offer me. i need to get on with my own life & not let others hold me back.
speaking of friends.. they sure are lacking these days.
sure i have some. but i could probably not call anyone for a month & it wouldn't matter to much of anyone.
i'm learning to accept this. i knew it was coming.
i got myself away from the ones who hurt me..the ones who i spent the past year with.
and as for everyone else.. who knows what they are doing.
but i do love my best friend.
but she's probably going to leave anyway..so after that fact theres no point in me staying.
she's not.. why should i?

the only thing that scares me is if.. what if i have a good relationship by that time next year? you never know.. i could actually get past those first 2 months.. it would be so hard to leave someone.. but i always said i'd never hold myself back from something i wanted and needed to do over a boy.
i just wonder if that would still apply if my feelings were strong for one.
i guess we'll see.
only time can tell.

i think everyone should listen to the song, "bob and bonnie" by houston calls. its addicting. i've loved it for a few years now!


so, me and tuesday finally got things back on track. we had a fall out, but what pair of best friends doesn't?
i've missed her and just really didn't feel right without her.
things feel normal again!

we've picked up a new hobby.
running!
it will benefit us in the end.
i just know it will!

theres a trip to chicago in our near future, along with dustin.
we are going to see the shins, snoop dogg, and brand new.
 jealous much?


i started college.
i hate my math class with a passion already.
its sad that i miss the immature kids my own age from high school.
i hate having class with ignorant 35 year olds.
i don't want to make friends with people old enough to be my parents, thats super lame.

my english class isnt so bad.


i really just hate college. but its whatever.


i also really need a good paying job. i've decided i am going to purchase my own car.
i will have to get a loan.
which will require a good paying job.
and the one i have now is not good paying at all.
its a shame too, cause its so easy.

oh, and that new boy.
yeah.. scratch that.
he has the mentality of a 12 year old.




well.. i'm out of things to say!
leave me stuff.
♥