| Its been too long since I've written down my thoughts publicly. It seems so easy to just look at others thoughts. Trying to keep my chin up these days. It's not as bad. I get scared that I'm just being numb to it all. I've got lots of life descions to mess up so wish me luck... heheh Just kidding. Bad habbits are like assholes, everyone's got one. - Ritz Yamamoto. Year : 2000 |
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| I have decided that, although I'd love to know which direction my life is headed in, I don't. So, you know those questions when someone you havent seen for a long time asks, like, how have you been? , what are you up to? Well..... I dont know... And there are days where I feel less confused but mostly I feel that my heart is on my sleeve, following the direction of the wind. I have found one thing that keeps me generally happy. My friends, or big get togethers. Not HUGE, fill up stadium events, but the ones where you can relax and take in all the beauty of the people around you. I like those. I feel like I'm with my family. If I look around the room and glance at the converesations, the interactions, the hello's and goodbye's, I find myself with a little smile on my face. The kind of smile thats not forced for a picture or a greeting, but really simple and filled with content. Here are some moments from the past couple months:           
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You kept me alive
you soaked up the flooding in my soul
dried the the tears from my eyes
And never once asked for anything
You are my bright shining star
Thank you Sun
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| I'm thinking that the winter is lasting too long. I need some fun in the sun.  
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| The days are passing quickly and I seem to be passing the time with work and the gym and reading my horoscope all too often. I've been slacking on the book I want to write. At the moment It's called "Picking up the Pieces" It comes and goes, but it takes too much mental energy right now.
I wish I could manage the time in my day more. For one I'd do my laundry, and then I'd probably go ice skating, something I've been meaning to do all winter.
I realized that I haven't ever been this consistent with my schedule. I really don't want to jink it, but I don't know if I'll always be a person who maintains a 9-5 job.There are some definite perks working the hours I do. But with money and a schedule come a lot of other things. For some I feel the need to be alone more than usual, and it's scary because i don't want to become one of those independent women who are bitter about life, and I feel myself getting there.
I think I'm too extreme,and like the rest of us Pickards, we're hyper one moment and depressed the next:) But it's okay. people still love us.. i hope. hehehe
Life will come around I hope.
I think one day I want to be married and have children, and have a career I can relate to. One that I can be passionate about. One that will inspire my children to see that it's possible to find something your good at in life and also something you love. And if that doesn't happen thats okay too. I can always become a nun, hopefully there's no age limit there.
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