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| ...my little buddy, i heart you! :)
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| i've
always dreamed of being much more than i am. more organized, more
disciplined, more loving... much more "much more," if you know what i
mean. each january, i set out a new self-improvement program. this
year i'll get in shape. this year i'll keep my house clean. this
year i'll send out birthday cards. on time. this year - really - i'll
be the loving, forgiving, obedient woman of God i long to be instead of the
willful, stubborn, disobedient christian i sometimes see staring back at me in
the mirror.
all noble goals. and truth be told, i am much more at peace when my house
is clean. and i believe that if you really love people, you ought to care
enough to send the very best (or at least one of those ninety-nine-cent
cards). and i know that genuine happiness only comes from living close to
God and obeying Him.
i really do want to be different. i want to be changed.
maybe you've discovered, as i have, that most of my new year's resolutions have
little effect on a day-to-day life except to add a burden of guilt and a
feeling of failure. continually striving, yet never arriving.
hoping, praying to be different, only waking up to find you're not as far along
as you'd hoped to be. sometimes feeling like you're right back
where you started... again.
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" the best presents
don't come in boxes "
- hobbes (from calvin & hobbes) -
.
. .
. .
. .
it's
one
thing to know you have family and friends that love you, but to be
reminded of it... even if it's once a year... really helps put things
into perspective for me. i think i'm finally beginning to
understand why God created birthdays in the first place. the
reason why i say
"finally" is because i've never really liked birthdays, especially my
own. it's simple. i don't like getting the attention.
i don't
like the burden that it gives off. and i don't want my friends to
feel
like they have to do anything for me. to be honest, i know i
haven't been
a very good friend to some of you (i.e. my boston friends), yet you
still show me you
care in such small and big ways. your love humbles me, and for
that i am
grateful. then there are those of you that i get to see at least
once a
week (i.e. chodae friends) and you guys bring so much joy into my
life.
there's no way i could've gone through such a transition without
you. and
to tina, your email made my day. you always somehow know just
what to say. and of course, there's family... my parents who i
know
feel bad about never being home, but try to show their love in whatever
ways they
can. and howie, for constantly showing just how much he cares
(and yes, i even know you emailed
umma and abba to remind them of my birthday. haha thanksss)
so fiiine... if this is
what it takes.. an awkward birthday moment.. to help me see beyond God's
everyday love... then i'm okay with it :) but at least it's over
now. haha.
*once again, thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. it was
a happy one, indeed ^^
here's to twenty three...
...you never know 'til you
reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb
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| "i
was in love once. i think love is a bit of heaven. when i
was in love i thought about that girl so much i felt like i was going
to die and it was beautiful, and she loved me, too, or at least she
said she did, and we were not about ourselves, we were about each
other, and that is what i mean when i say being in love is a bit of
heaven. when i was in love i hardly thought of myself; i thought
of her and how beautiful she looked and whether or not she was cold and
how i could make her laugh. it was wonderful because i forgot my
problems. i owned her problems instead, and her problems seemed
romantic and beautiful. when i was in love there was somebody in
the world who was more important than me, and that, given all that
happened at the fall of man, is a miracle, like something God forgot to
curse."
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once you have tasted flight...
you will forever walk the
earth
with your eyes turned
skyward
for there you have been
& there you will always
long to return...
leonardo da vinci*
. . . i want to f l y again | | |
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