I felt like tearing out hairs today I was so nervous. I don't really understand why. It had to do with this guy, Corbin. I dunno. I just got confused and homelessly nervous because . . . i think it had to do with the fact that i thought i liked him and he liked me but I just was having trouble accepting the fact that anyone could see me as more than this little psycho freak in the back of the class.

I dunno. Am I deliberately trying to make myself miserable? Do I really want to spend every morning pretending to be happy, feel depressed and lonely in the afternoon, and unmake my day of unhappiness when i get home?

God, what the hell is wrong with me? I'm going in circles for crying out loud! And then, right when i go on a downward slope, every fucking itme, some joe pops up and confuses me further and . . . what the hell is wrong with me? Is this normal? Why am I like this? Why the flip am I doing this to myself?

I'm so restless . . . but at least I felt a little happier than usual today.

Nicky came over right after school today andI was walking her home and I was just . . . happy. It's hard to put it any other way.

I feel like flying away but my wings are too numb to fly me anywhere. Blah

My rollercoaster has leveled out a little. I'm not as bad as I used to be it's just . . . crap, I'm afraid of something

I have no clue as to what the hell it is, I just am. When I walk the halls of my school, I could be in the best mood imaginable, I am hit with this huge wave of fear and I'm left fighting it for several hours.

*shrugs* Today I missed the bus. I must have forgotten how the family revolves around MY alarm clock and that I should not have forgotten to set it last night. I guess it can't be helped though. Mom recently had some sort of surgery and has to sleep in the rec room at night with dad and there is no alarm clock in the rec room, Luke and Jake never set their alarm clocks and when they do they just shut it off quickly and fall asleep again, Dale is six and so he couldn't set an alarm even if he tried, and so it falls to ME, the one that everyone repeatadly forgets as being the middle child - not the oldest and not mom.

Oh well. Can't be helped and now I am rableing on and on. Joy.

I wrote a short story recently. It only took up a page on Microsoft Word but it was pretty decent. I can't find my notebook that I've been writng my most recent stuff (which no one save for Melissa and Nicky has read). So I'm a little stressed out and that is why it is on the computer and not in papre and pen. Oh well. I'll write later.

My emotional rollercoaster decided to plummet and then pretty much stop till I was not feeling anything. Then it took it's characteristic dips and turns.

I feel trapped. Everything I do, seems just to be an escape or release of the pressure. I just want to leave and runaway from it all. Everytime I look up at a bird in the sky, I silently beg it to take me with him. I want to leave.

Anytime I wanted to die, I wanted to leave - not to really die but just to leave myself and my worries behind and just die to me. Dancing, I am not Caitlin anymore, I've left. Writing, singing, searching, dreaming, asking questions - I've left.

Yet it never satisfies me because I haven't really left, only taken a vacation. But i do, I want to leave so bad and I don't really understand it.

I have been sleeping more than usual and have been starving for a good part of the day but haven't ever been truly satisfied when I do end up eating. I'm hungry but don't feel like eating . . . if that makes any sense. - not that it matters, I just felt like making a mention of it.

This part is slightly humorous to me. I think I have found the best way ever to deal with stress. Go to sleep. I might not feel too much better when I wake up but at least I am not getting overwhelmed by the problem. And anyways., sometimes you wake up refreshed and ready to take on the task at hand. *shrugs* it's better than some other methods I've used.

I'm going to hit the rack early tonight. I don't what I'll do tomarrow. Oh well. Mufua.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha! Scared ya didn't I? DIDN'T I!?!?!?!

hehehe

I just felt like doing that.

Mufua