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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| long timeno see. i have been gone for way too long, girls. sadly, it wasn't the best time either. getting wrapped up in a boy never has a good ending, or so i learned yet again. i let him use and fuck me over and over. never give your body to someone. only you are allowed to destroy it. i started to eat again and i was more miserable than ever. so, for the past two weeks i have used my hidden will power to shed some pounds off.
new diet pills, a new look, and finally some alone time.
i will never stop losing weight. never. i will be ninety-five pounds. i will be.
this ambition is all i have. i feel like macbeth.
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| It ContinuesMy fast has been going pretty well. I have eaten a grilled cheese sandwich and about 3 bites of this salad my boss bought me (I didn't want to be rude, you know?). Other than that, I have stayed true to my goals. Luckily, I haven't gained from those temptations. I am at 107 right now and I feel amazing. That isn't the only thing that makes me feel amazing, surprisingly. I usually feel that my eating disorder is the only thing that gives me satisfaction, but I think I am seeing otherwise. My first post talked about a boy asking me out. Well, I have been going on regular dates with him, and he is absolutely amazing. We both are complete movie nerds and just love having a good time. We have both been cutters and suicidal so we have that connection also. I think I am falling for him and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend rather than just someone to date. Wow, that boy can kiss. Things are looking up girls. They really are. The pounds are going away and I think I found happiness. Who would've thought? | | |
| i ate today. i planned all week to eat today but it didn't feel right. i had a salad and mashed potatoes. i was sitting down trying to focus on something else in order to not get rid of it. my stomach didn't take it too well since i had just gotten done fasting, but i felt the chunks slowly rise.
off to the bathroom!
yes, i purged. what else was i to do? let that disgusting food sit in my stomach and fuck up what i've been working so hard for? i don't think so.
it's strange how the feeling of food in your stomach becomes so sickening sometimes. i know i want nothing to do with it, and i have a feeling i am going to purge every time i eat from now on. i just can't handle knowing and feeling the food.
ah, guilt.
that's all i do isn't it? guilt myself. you can't eat that. you're going to gain weight. you're already fat. guilt. one of the best inspirations.
do you know what another great inspiration is? when some skinny girl you don't even know compliments you on your size. yeah. it happened. i think i like school again.
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| Fast Completedpride. i hadn't felt this is in quite sometime. i always find myself stopping at the hallway mirror pushing around the fat on my stomach almost imagining it was simply air. too bad it's not. i'm not crying about my weight anymore, now i just want to do something about it. i want it to go away. i want to be small again. i want to be the correct weight for my height. i want to be perfect, but who doesn't? who actually becomes perfect? is this just a phase or a form of suicide? whatever the answer i will take the fat down with me.
successfully finished my two day fast so i am very very excited. checked the scale and was very pleased. 108. that's two pounds less i will have to carry around. two less pounds of embarrassment. it's working again. it always works. it works while it feeds off of you. don't ask me why i continue to do this while knowing it is killing me. i'd rather be skinny and die than never be skinny again. i can do it and so can you. | | |
| Worded Thinspirationthere is always one idea that haunts me everyday. that idea is confusion. it looms over me no matter what task i am trying to accomplish. i fight and i fight everyday to live, i'm stuggling in this losing battle and it consumes me. this battle is me. this disorder is me and i feel it thriving in every action i make. staring at food only makes it worse. i know that i want it and that to be healthy i should just down it, but there is a stronger force inside of me. it pulls me away. it reminds me of a number that i am not quite satisfied with. a number. that is the only ammo it has. that awful number. i've never understood why that number is so damn important, but it is. it lives. it's inside of me, growing the more i eat, begging for sustanance. begging me to give in one more time, to let go. it's asking me to eat. to enjoy the calories. to gain weight. that's my battle everyday, but i refuse to let it win. i will never let it win. i will be stronger than food. it will never satisfy me. thin will satisfy me. thin will help me conquer food as thin conquers my life. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. you can't stop me. you know who you are. you will never stop me as long as i have breath is my lungs. and that will be a long time. you lose. thin wins. i feel strong and weak at the same time. i'm loving every minute while hating myself. this cycle will kill me one day but, until then, i will ignore hunger pleas. i am much stronger than that. make me weak. make me cry. make me thin again. give me all that i've ever wanted. just to make things clear. i'm not doing this for you or anyone else. i am doing this for me. i don't care if people like me how i look now. all i know is when i look in the mirror, i see a disgusting person. i just want to like me and this is my last resort. do you have the heart to take away my happiness? i hope not, because i've been lying to myself for way too long. i can't lie to myself anymore. it's time to put this want into action. i want it so i will work for it. i will never give up. not anymore. not after all of the thinking i have done. it's too late to turn back now. | | |
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