I don't understand friendship still....
I appreciate it greatly. I also love it to no end but.......

I guess it is that feeling that I gained at a young age...
That doubt that.......still wont go away...

For what reason do we make friends?
It's to make ourselves feel better, right?
So that we wont be lonely....so that we wont feel so alone........?
So that...we can gain some sort of happiness.....from someone else.........?

But..if it turns out that you still feel upset and alone....
Is it that........there is something wrong with your friends...?
Or..........is there something wrong with you?

Those of you who I call "friends" should know better by now...
That I always contradict myself.

Cry to me if you need me...that's why I'm here.
Yell at me if you need to.....that's why I stay...

I can't tell....if I care about getting hurt or not.
Because it hurts either way...
And I......can't help but feel selfish about these feelings.

Nor can I ever say to you the words "stop being selfish"...

I...honestly......don't like it when people keep to themselves....and hide their pain within themselves.....[even though I do it myself....]

But I also don't like it when people end up.....dragging on with a simple problem...that has no real meaning.........and only complain about it.

Don't think too much about the problem, but of the solution, please.
Stop thinking so much about how bad things are, and more of what you CAN do to make yourself feel better.

I hate giving up because I feel weak...
But I give up anyways......because it become unimportant...




I don't know what to do.....or think...............towards......"friendship".

Even now I still think things like "Why are you my friend?"
and "do you really like me, or pity me...?"
but if you don't pity me then "is it because I'm nice to you.......that you come to me?"

I want to be the best friend I can be towards you....that's why I work so hard...but.........

These thoughts that.......even now wont go away....
This feeling of doubt that continues to cloud my better judgement...

I know better...I KNOW that I do but..........I don't understand..any of this.....

I'm....just...........panicing again.
When I was a child....I was like this as well.....

I remember that....
I remember my first experiance being left alone at home...
I had woken up from a nap, and....while looking for my mother, found that no one was home...
Slowly....I started to panic as I searched through every room in my house...
Eventually, I made my way outside and had looked around thinking that they had really left me.
After walking around a while.....I ended up in my backyard, crying...
Thinking that there was something wrong with me....
and that my family suddenly decided to abandon me...
Only for them to show up within the next five minutes..........

Right now....I'm remembering my reasons for ..........what everyone disagrees on.
I wont do it anymore... I'm proving that I am not weak anymore, but....
I...don't get it........

I am glad that I am not dead....yet............
I cannot say...truthfully.........that I am happy..........
that I am alive........

Even with your friendship, that I honestly do cherish.....
I still don't understand....family bonds.........
nor do I understand.....the reason why people become friends.........

It is a selfish thing, isn't it?

If you think something like...not getting enough attention........
thinking that you are not looked at as someone to be taken care of.........
believing that........people don't care for you.......
or have less interest in you, than voicing their own situation......

Thinking that.......your friends are there for you to "hang out" with.....
there so that you can find some time to make yourself happy..........
They are there so that.......
you can distract yourself.........
so that you can gain some sort of good feeling..........

It is a very selfish thing, isn't it?
I look at myself thinking that I am selfish....
but then I look at you thinking..........are you selfish?

As I work hard to please you and support you.....
At the same time........am I selfish?
Because I am trying hard to have you fall in love with me.........

But........I think that..........most of all...............
I'm trying hard to look to you in a way that.....
I wont feel empty anymore............

To feel heavy......as well as feeling empty...............
Does this make sense to you.....?

My heart feels heavy all the time.....
and I can't openly talk about this problem....even as I voice my feelings....
I really am working hard.........to try to make you happy and support you....
While trying to not rely on you with all my might...............

Yet.............................................
...................................................
...................................................

I don't want to look at you anymore with these eyes.....

...................I don't want to look at you anymore thinking that...
...............knowing that.............................................................
.....feeling the feeling of...................emptiness...........................

I really.....don't want to look at you..........with these empty eyes................
and with this dying heart...................