does the ghost of the past still haunt the future?
why am I not satisfied with the fact that he is here... and not there...
maybe it's because a part of him... however small it may be is still there...
memories...
experiences...
what could have been...
all was lost...
but somehow yet missed...
even though it may be only a minuscule speck of regret...
it's still there...
it's still everywhere...
a phone call, e-mail, away...
a shadow that is still ever present...
 

You know that feeling of being weak in the knees due to nervousness...
that's how i felt tonight after i drove back from driving around Santa Monica.
Coming out of the car...
All I could think about was how much I hated driving.
It's nerve wrecking...
It's dangerous...
It's difficult...
Compound that with not having driven for 4 years and never driven stick-shift before meeting Andrew...
It makes it even worse...
So it all boils down to what do I really know...
Right now it's all body reaction.
I've SORTA gotten the initial starting of the car and rolling of the car forward...
Unfortunately I haven't gone to any place where I've even managed to get past 3rd gear.
All I know are these 10 things... don't mind me as a blab...

#1: When turning on the car... it's not as simple as just turning the ignition (as in automatic cars)... you need to check if the car is neutral... then you need to press the clutch down.. THEN you can turn on the ignition.
#2: To use the light you turn the knob to headlights (not shifting up or down because that's for the turning signal).
#3: When you want to start driving... make sure you are in gear - meaning first gear.. unless you are rolling down the hill already and you might have gained enough speed to go to another gear... is that right?
#4: Find the engagement point on the clutch (not as easy as it sounds)... when the car starts going forward add gas to keep the car from stalling and as you slowly let off the clutch. Now this isn't necessary because there is also the method of revving up of the engine to RPMs where you've gotten it out of the range of stalling. IF you can do this, you can just ease of the clutch... Yet again.. not as simple as it sounds...
#5: When you switch into 2nd gear... pop/kick the clutch, shift, let go of the clutch and then accelerate. Make sure you don't keep your leg on the clutch.
#6: If you want to go down a gear, to change smoothly, you need to pop the accelerator and then shift down. This is something I haven't even touched... or so it seems... I've been told by Andrew that my natural reaction just happens to do this... I don't even know when I do it...
#7: If you want to fully put the car at a stop, be sure you're in 1st gear and CLUTCH when you break.
#8: E-break hill method - to overcome the slope of the hill and to avoid sliding down the hill, use this method. You pull up the E-break. You slowly let go of the clutch, when you start feeling the car rear forward... you flutter the gas for you to be at a speed where you can overcome gravity pulling you down. When you feel you're at this point, release the E-break for a nice natural and no backwards rolling drive forward... I supposedly have this down.
#9: when you turn know where your center point is by always keeping your hands at 2 and 10 or 12 and 6 when turning (I apparently adopted the bad habit of letting go of the steering wheel bit by bit and therefore never knowing where the center point is - meaning where the steering wheel should be in order for the car to go straight.)
#10: Last but not least... when the car is still rolling and you are anticipating that you won't need to go into a full stop, you can keep the car in 2nd gear. Although, if the car seems to be dropping too far down in RPM... shift it back into 1st so you know you'll always be able to stop and continue the drive forward...

Soooo... these are all the things that i've learned so far from driving. Right now.. unfortunately I barely can handle the speed and I hate hills and I'm afraid to hit cars (not to mention that i have no perception of how wide the car is and I'm always worried about the possibility of hitting parked cars). Are all these things a bad combination where I might turn into a bad driver? Andrew says that he's teaching me manual so I won't drive like all the other people who don't think about their driving and end up driving recklessly. He apparently wants me to always keep alert... always concentrating on my driving.

Just thinking of all these things makes me wanna say.... I HATE DRIVING!!! BUTT this stupid fear is not something that I could get away with in LA.. because not being able to drive is like not having legs. And... someday.. Andrew will get sick and tired of driving me around or having me wait for him... which I don't really care.

Sigh....

On a better note. Andrew and I picked up Swing again. I learned it for the first time, around the first couple of months I started dating/courting Andrew. We've finally picked it up again and worked up a sweat. This is probably the reason why I'm up at 2:47 am and not even tired. After awhile though, I think i've finally picked it up a little bit better than before. The Charleston though is the thing that is bugging me. Apparently my arms don't swing naturally and have a tendency to swing the opposite of the way I'm supposed to swing it on a Charleston. Not to mention that I'm trying my best to protect my knee, knowing that I've already ripped a few strands of my ACL and probably completely butchered my Lateral Meniscus. BUUUT all went well after the session of Lindy Hop Swing. Hopefully we'll be able to get a pretty awesome choreographed first dance together by March of next year...

So apparently word is out, through Andrew's xanga that our wedding will be on March 21, 2009. sooo.. the long awaited decision of he date has come :)! With banquet, church and photography all deposited... we're at the point-of-no-return!

Anyways... it's getting quite late. I'm going to bed now... or will try!

See ya all laters when I'm going to feel like blabbing again!

Words already said..
Can't be taken back..
Even though, often, harsh words are accompanied by apologies...
The damage is already done...
I guess that's why in Proverbs, Solomon wrote so much about words and wisely using them...

A lesson to all who are often careless with their words... me included..

Proverbs 10:19
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 12:6
The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, but the speech of the upright rescues them.

Proverbs 12:18
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 16:21
The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.

Proverbs 16:24
Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 18:4
The words of a man's mouth are deep waters, but the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.