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| I suddenly feel that , I lost my sense of direction.......
='(.. | | |
| Wow, I thought time was passing by slow. But when I started to plan ahead , I realized that there's only 5 school days left. I'm kinda happy, but kinda not. Sometimes I really don't know why I'm so emotional. It's like, I'm emotional on the inside, but on the outside I'm always acting to be OK. It comes so natural, I don't even know which one is the real me?
He's been sick ....and I've been worrying. I sometimes wonder if his health will be better if I can just take care of him a bit more. But when the person is not willing to let you take care, what can you do?
He's not young anymore, sometimes I wish he'll know his health is just as important or maybe even more important than his work. But I understand what is on his mind. It's also because he's not young anymore, that's why he doesn't want to waste anymore time.
I really miss him....
Waiting for you... | | |
| Tuesday...
Had an exam yesterday. It went all right...
These days, i feel the most lonely when i'm driving home at night from ubc. Though it's lonely, but i enjoy driving without much cars around me. Sometimes the wind comforts me.
When your heart is in pain, i realized that only crying can make you feel better. It's better than pretending to be strong on the outside and hurting like hell on the inside.
i miss him...so I messaged him before i went to bed because i'm so not used to not saying goodnight to him before I sleep.
Always want to let him know how my day went, and always want to know how his day went. But i feel that, though we care about each other but there's a distance between us.
I wonder if he really does appreciate my messages...
If he could be just a little more serious...we've actually spend time together for quite some time now.
Did he mean to destroy this relationship? I really want to hear him tell me that he didn't mean to. All i want from him is the truth...
Though during the past few months , i knew something was wrong, but i didn't ask, i didn't say anything because i wanted to let him tell me the truth. I wanted the truth and nothing else.
I still believe the time spent together with me were happy moments. How much of these moments are in his heart, i wonder?
i'm waiting for you.... | | |
| Sunday... I think I'll miss church very much. The past 15 years have been great sharing with my brothers and sisters. If i had the choice, I wouldn't want to leave them. I'm such a weird person, I think I want everyone that I care about to be by my side forever. But I learned that, it's not possible. Today, during singing I felt pain. The pain of separation. I hate it, i just hate it. The past 2 months, i've been playing extra for service because other pianists had other things to do. It seems like God knows i'm going to leave, and he's providing me opportunities to serve extra for this family of mine. \ You'll never learn to treasure something until you are going to lose it. Why are we this stupid? Hm...I wonder if you'll miss me. Was I ever anything to you? Just thinking about this question brings many tears, and hearaches. How come everything is this messed up? Can't we fix it together? Though i'm this hurt, but I still have the burden to love you. | | |
| Study day…
I always study with MUSIC….these days, listening to music doesn’t bring smiles, but tears. I feel so depressed yet I have to force myself to focus on the things which are more important. I have 2 more weeks of school and that’s it GINA!!! Please hang in there for yourself….HO SUN FU, I tell myself not to be stupid like last time , hoping for a day that we’ll be back together so that I can continue to care for him. Because the more hope I put , the more disappointment. I choose, rather not to hope then.
I really want to leave, but then I don’t because I’ll miss him. Is there a point of missing someone when they’ll never know you miss them? I remember he taught me again how to miss someone with a smile. But I can’t believe a year after, I’m missing someone with tears again.
Why are there so many tears in my life? Why are you guys so “yun sum” to make me cry. What have I done wrong to deserve all these tears? But then again, I’m willing to cry for him and to be hurt by him.
I’m waiting for you…..
I wonder how many things we’re shared together he’ll remember? Just like this page, does he even remember I have this page? I hope that he’ll know how I feel, but I don’t’ know why, I hope that he will never remember this page, so that I can keep all these feelings to myself. I’m so confused, I’m contradicting myself. I want him to see, but I don’t.
Will you ever see?.....not only this page, but will you ever see that the one I want to need, to depend, to love , to care, to share, to live, and to have a family is with you? …
I have all the reasons to hate…but to compare….the LOVE is bigger and is enough to cover up all the hates.
Really want to tell you that you’ve hurt my fragile heart greatly, am I able to put all the broken pieces back together? I really want you to tell me that you’ll help , put them back together bit by bit and step by step by showing me that you’ll try to love for real this time. But you never had the courage to love me, why am I wishing that you will in the future……
It’s too much for me my love….when will you ever understand?
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