yiuszewing's Xanga

Monday, August 06, 2007

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 22:08:30 GMT

I suddenly feel that , I lost my sense of direction.......

='(..

Friday, August 03, 2007

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 22:45:59 GMT

Wow, I thought time was passing by slow. But when I started to plan ahead , I realized that there's only 5 school days left. I'm kinda happy, but kinda not. Sometimes I really don't know why I'm so emotional. It's like, I'm emotional on the inside, but on the outside I'm always acting to be OK. It comes so natural, I don't even know which one is the real me?

He's been sick ....and I've been worrying. I sometimes wonder if his health will be better if I can just take care of him a bit more. But when the person is not willing to let you take care, what can you do?

He's not young anymore, sometimes I wish he'll know his health is just as important or maybe even more important than his work. But I understand what is on his mind. It's also because he's not young anymore, that's why he doesn't want to waste anymore time.

I really miss him....

Waiting for you...

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 23:56:52 GMT

Tuesday...

Had an exam yesterday. It went all right...

These days, i feel the most lonely when i'm driving home at night from ubc. Though it's lonely, but i enjoy driving without much cars around me. Sometimes the wind comforts me.

When your heart is in pain, i realized that only crying can make you feel better. It's better than pretending to be strong on the outside and hurting like hell on the inside.

i miss him...so I messaged him before i went to bed because i'm so not used to not saying goodnight to him before I sleep.

Always want to let him know how my day went, and always want to know how his day went. But i feel that, though we care about each other but there's a distance between us.

I wonder if he really does appreciate my messages...

If he could be just a little more serious...we've actually spend time together for quite some time now.

Did he mean to destroy this relationship? I really want to hear him tell me that he didn't mean to. All i want from him is the truth...

Though during the past few months , i knew something was wrong, but i didn't ask, i didn't say anything because i wanted to let him tell me the truth. I wanted the truth and nothing else.

I still believe the time spent together with me were happy moments. How much of these moments are in his heart, i wonder?

i'm waiting for you....

Monday, July 30, 2007

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 04:31:57 GMT

Sunday...

I think I'll miss church very much. The past 15 years have been great sharing with my brothers and sisters. If i had the choice, I wouldn't want to leave them. I'm such a weird person, I think I want everyone that I care about to be by my side forever. But I learned that, it's not possible. Today, during singing I felt pain. The pain of separation. I hate it, i just hate it.

The past 2 months, i've been playing extra for service because other pianists had other things to do. It seems like God knows i'm going to leave, and he's providing me opportunities to serve extra for this family of mine. \

You'll never learn to treasure something until you are going to lose it. Why are we this stupid?

Hm...I wonder if you'll miss me.

Was I ever anything to you? Just thinking about this question brings many tears, and hearaches. How come everything is this messed up? Can't we fix it together? Though i'm this hurt, but I still have the burden to love you.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 20:24:53 GMT

Study day…
I always study with MUSIC….these days, listening to music doesn’t bring smiles, but tears. I feel so depressed yet I have to force myself to focus on the things which are more important. I have 2 more weeks of school and that’s it GINA!!! Please hang in there for yourself….HO SUN FU, I tell myself not to be stupid like last time , hoping for a day that we’ll be back together so that I can continue to care for him. Because the more hope I put , the more disappointment. I choose, rather not to hope then.

I really want to leave, but then I don’t because I’ll miss him. Is there a point of missing someone when they’ll never know you miss them? I remember he taught me again how to miss someone with a smile. But I can’t believe a year after, I’m missing someone with tears again.

Why are there so many tears in my life? Why are you guys so “yun sum” to make me cry. What have I done wrong to deserve all these tears? But then again, I’m willing to cry for him and to be hurt by him.

I’m waiting for you…..

I wonder how many things we’re shared together he’ll remember? Just like this page, does he even remember I have this page? I hope that he’ll know how I feel, but I don’t’ know why, I hope that he will never remember this page, so that I can keep all these feelings to myself. I’m so confused, I’m contradicting myself. I want him to see, but I don’t.

Will you ever see?.....not only this page, but will you ever see that the one I want to need, to depend, to love , to care, to share, to live, and to have a family is with you? …

I have all the reasons to hate…but to compare….the LOVE is bigger and is enough to cover up all the hates.

Really want to tell you that you’ve hurt my fragile heart greatly, am I able to put all the broken pieces back together? I really want you to tell me that you’ll help , put them back together bit by bit and step by step by showing me that you’ll try to love for real this time. But you never had the courage to love me, why am I wishing that you will in the future……

It’s too much for me my love….when will you ever understand?

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 16:43:05 GMT

Saturday....

Yesterday night I fell asleep finally at 2am. Suddenly at 4am, I noticed my pillow was wet. I woke up crying. Don't know if it was a dream, or was i actually conscious. This epidsode of ours came back. He brought me to the airport the past Christmas... holding a bag a candies because he knew i would get sick the on flight. I was so suprised that it wasn't my mom who went with me to the airport , but him. But I was so scared to even think what happened after I left. I tried not to think because it hurts so much...I thought i'll be the last person that he'll decide to do something to hurt me because i thought he would "mm yun sum lor". But...I really want to know if it was just a mistake or was that just really him? I really want him to hold me tight and say "sorry it was just a mistake" and that he was not playing with my feelings , after i've told him a dozen times that i cannot be played, because i can't handle it and that if i do get hurt the pain won't go away. It would torture me for a long period of time.

I kept crying and crying until i was too tired, and i fell back to sleep. This morning when i opened my eyes, i really didn't want to wake up. Every morning , as if I hope it was all a bad dream and what's real is that he still cares and he's still the person to try hard to make our relationship happen. But I'm so scared and I started my day off crying again, because I want to know if there will ever be a day he'll know he wants me by his side.

To know he's sick is worst than myself being sick. I really want to be the one to take care of him, worry about him. And I think who would he think about the most when he's sick? Who does he want beside when he's sick? ME? or am I just really lying to myself again? I 'm so scared to think.....I want to stop thinking....

Friday, July 27, 2007

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 20:39:28 GMT

Went to breakfast with Kris in Richmond today. As I was driving there, my heart beated faster and faster. Really, if I had the choice I would meet her somewhere else. As I was driving home, all of a sudden I made a really loud scream. I guess it's because I really had to let it out. It's so hard being the nice person all the time. I think i'm really stressed out but I can't really tell anyone. Or maybe it's cause i think it's no use even if i tell someone. The situation won't change.

Now, most of the time I really want to stay out. I've been so tired lately because I've been staying out all the time, I don't want to stay home alone. I feel so scared being at home myself. When I'm by myself, i start thinking. And the pain gets stronger and stronger.

Why does he make everything so hard for himself, and by doing that he makes it so much harder for me. Why did I forgive when something like this is not forgivable? Why do I have to hide all the pain, when I'm just a normal girl? Why do i have to pretend i'm strong when I'm really feeling like crap inside? So many whys' on my mind.

Maybe leaving is the best choice...

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 23:10:02 GMT

Maybe the more forgiving I am, the more it reflects the pain in my heart. I dont' know why i have the courage to forgive, and i dont' know why i have the courage to move on. And I question if I'm being stupid in being forgiving, because then he won't see how painful it actually is. But in letting him know how painful it really is doesn't solve any problems, rather it'll probably make him feel uneasy. So that's why i rather drink a sip of water and just swollow everything down myself.

So does it mean I really forgave him? Or I just chose to forget about it, and forget the pain also? I found out that when you really don't want to think about something, you can. But when you start to have the courage to think back about everything, that pain comes back and you will try your best to stop yourself from thinking about it again.

I really want to force myself to think about it, and face it! But i don't think i have the courage to.

I really shouldn't care about someone who doesn't even care about my care. Or does he care?

There is really no where i can let it out to, maybe writing it down would be the best choice for me to let a little bit of my sadness out so that i won't get too depressed.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 21:52:47 GMT

Today was just another day....

I just want to praise you,
Lift my hands and say "I love you"
You are everything to me,
And i exalt your holy name,
I exalt your holy name ,
I exalt your holy name on high.

Among my deepest sorrows, you have given me the peace in my heart to continue to love others around me.
Not easy, really not easy.....

Who do I have to be beside me?
Who do I have to listen to me?
Who do I have to catch every tear that falls?
Who do I have to bring me security when i'm feeling insecure?
I had you...

You kept your promise to stand by me.....
May the music I play can comfort those around me one day on stage...

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 18:53:42 GMT

One day I decided to quit...
I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to
quit my life.

I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
'God', I asked, 'Can you give me one good reason not to quit?'

His answer surprised me...
'Look around', He said. 'Do you see the fern and the bamboo?'
'Yes', I replied.

'When I
planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good
care of them.
I gave them light.
I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor.

Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the
bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit
on the bamboo.
He said.
'In year three there was still
nothing from the bamboo seed.
But I would not quit.
In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I
would not quit.' He said.
'Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.
Compared
to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...
But just 6
months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it
strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not
handle.'
He asked me. 'Did you know,
my child, that all this time you have
been struggling, you have actually been growing roots'.
'I would not quit on the bamboo.
I will never quit on you.'
'Don't compare yourself to others.' He said.

'The bamboo had adifferent Purpose than the fern.
Yet they both make the forest beautiful.'
'Your time will come', God said to me.
'You will rise high'
'How high should I rise?' I asked.
'How high will the bamboo rise?' He asked in return.
'As high as it can?' I questioned.
'Yes.' He said, 'Give me glory by rising as high as you can.'

I left the forest and brought back this story.
I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up
on you. (i will not give up on you )

Never, Never, Never Give up.
For the Christian Prayer is not an option but an opportunity.
Don't tell the Lord how big the problem is,
tell the problem how Great the Lord is!

Heavens door open this morning, God asked me... My CHILD...
what can I do for you?' and I said
'Daddy please protect and bless the
one reading this message.

God smiled and answered ... 'request granted ............
This message is now in your hands.

For you:
Loving you , hoping one day you'll realize where my love is coming from, all in all, i want to see your broken heart healed. I know not now, but one day when you look back, you will understand me..
~gina.