Someone once said that in her life, journaling became a temptation for self-indulgence.  I thought she was crazy.... but now I must be becoming crazy too.  For several months now I've been hungry to write anything, something... yet when I picked up my chisel and began to chip away words and phrases out of my heart, I could never find the words that would take meaningful shape for anyone but myself.

     So I would turn instead to read God's Word in an effort to inspire myself, to get the words flowing once more.  But again and again I found myself running out of time (that expensive commodity that belongs to so many people besides myself) to figure out myself because I was too caught up in the inexpressible, unexplainable mystery of this God who will not stop loving me.  I want to tell the world the things I've found but too much of what I am learning is too transcendent of this world for me to grasp more than a hint of it, let alone make it clear to others through my feeble mistranslation.  It's like one of those beautiful dreams, the kind that you immediately want to hold onto and tell others about as soon as you wake up, so that you don't lose a minute of the memory, but when you go to explain it to someone else the images and colors diffuse into senseless words.  So instead of writing I usually end up talking to God, trusting that the Spirit will convey to Him the longings that cannot be uttered. 

    I'm not saying that I'm quitting journaling or introspection.  I'm just suggesting that when we're spending our expensive time, perhaps instead of "looking in" at the empty clay cracked pot of ourselves we should seek even deeper within the God who miraculously dwells within this unworthy shell. 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."  2 Corinthians 4:7

God has been teaching me lately to have faith not only in what He is doing, but in what He will do.  This year has been hard, with more challenges and stretches and "growing up" opportunities than I was expecting.  I feel like I'm growing in several directions at once: it's like the current of life is taking me faster and faster into the rapids of adult life and I have to doggy paddle back into my childhood just to keep myself sane.  I am so thankful that I get to have fun with the youth groups that come through every day and goof off with my coworkers (kids from 18-50); it keeps me from getting too serious and old.  But the inevitable---growing up---is really starting to scare me.  This whole growing up thing was never supposed to happen to me!!!
And yet....
God is so gracious, so knowledgeable, so caring.  When I wasn't even certain about whether I could stay at the job that I love, He revealed His plan to me so clearly and He gave me the things I dared not hope for.  And now He's starting to crumble some of the other things that I thought were solid... like having a car that works and having my budget all planned out.  But through it all He is teaching me how to ask... how to wait... and how to praise Him for things He hasn't done yet.  The same God who provided a ram for Abraham's sacrifice, who provided a son for Abraham's future, a land for Abraham's descendants, and a Savior for Abraham's sins, WILL provide all my needs.  And He's not going to give me the trash that He has left over.  "For my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:19. God is RICH, God is ABLE, and God is LOVE, He will never leave me to beg bread and even when He doesn't give me what I ask, I can be confident that He IS providing my needs despite how my circumstances may seem.  I love you, Jehovah Jireh, and I am so grateful for your daily provision! Teach me to trust you more. 

Guides: Jimmy (TL), Kari, Skaggs, Ronnie, Martha, me
Participants: 46, I had a boat of 7 boys.
Level: 7
Weather: humid, becoming cold and rainy later

I had a fun boat of 6 rowdy 6th grade boys plus a less rowdy adult.  Even though it was chilly, the trip was fast and enjoyable.  After the uppers trip, Kari, Ron, Seth, Jimmy and I took a boat down to Fayette so that we would be more familiarized with the level for Saturday.  Kari will probably be guiding and I might even have a boat... which is intimidating since the river's up. I want to be released so badly but when it looks like it's actually going to happen, I chicken out... what's wrong with me?

Guides: Me (TL) and Ronnie
Participants: 11
Weather: Cold, windy rain
Description: When the day began Ronnie and I were scheduled to lead a paintball trip with a group of Christian school seniors.  But as the cold rain continued to drip, the CO2-tank-filler malfunctioned, and the options began to peter out, after the last minute we found that plans changed and we were taking the group caving.  Unfortunately, a legal battle has closed our normal program cave (Greenville-Saltpeter in Monroe County) which is the only cave either of us had ever guided.  Fortunately, I love caving and have explored a variety of caves in various classes and personal trips.  I felt comfortable guiding Bone Cave, a basically fool-proof cave (just one straight shot) in Greenbrier County.  Bone has a lot of advantages... it's just one passage, it is dry (as a bone), relatively warm, and easy, public access.  Bone also has a couple of disadvantages..... several tight, mandatory crawlways, dust that hangs in the air, clogs your nose and mouth and contact lenses, and the road to the cave is difficult to find if you don't know where you're going.  In this case, the advantages were positive enough to cause us to use it.  (Ronnie had no idea what he was getting into!)
As it often happens with cave trips, we were very late getting on the road, delayed even more by the fact that we accidentally left one of the kids at Alpine who was taking too long in the bathroom! 
On the way to the cave I misunderstood the directions and we got turned around for about 15 minutes, which dissolved the guests' trust in my leadership.  Once we were in the cave, however, everything went as smoothly as a greased pig through Devil's Pinch.  We only spent a little over 2 hours in the cave because of all the delays but I really don't think we missed too much (there's not much to see in Bone... a few formations, but mostly just a lot of brown brown dust). 
For devotions, we discussed the crawling experience (which was definitely the most loved and hated part of the cave!)  and compared it to Jesus' guidance of the disciples.  The guests often doubted me when I led them into a small crawlway, but were relieved when they found that I led them into a bigger and more fascinating part of the cave.  In the same way, the disciples sometimes doubted or feared Christ's leadership but in the end they were willing to deny themselves, take up their crosses, and follow Him.... no matter where He led.  What is God leading you through that seems impossible? Can you trust Him enough to follow Him anywhere... no matter how impossible it may be?

I usually don't care for "ladies books".... you know the kind, with pictures of teacups or old-fashioned women on the front and chapters about our "duty" to wear plenty of makeup... and yet not draw attention.... to work to make ourselves feminine and charming... or our "duty" to keep a perfect house with perfect kids and basically keep every aspect of our life in order.  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with looking nice or striving for excellence, I'm just saying that those types of books typically turned me off or discouraged me.  Femininity as our culture sees it does not come naturally to me, (I would rather buy hiking boots than dresses, I would rather go out and play in the mud than stay inside for a manicure or a movie) but I don't think that makes me any less a lady.  But I digress... my point was that I usually tire of fluffy, flowery books that use phrases like "dear one" and "darling" to convince women how to set their priorities.

But today my wonderful friend Sara loaned me a book that would easily fall into the category of a "ladies book". I gave this book a try and spent two solid hours engrossed in it, taking a break only because I was laying out in the sun and starting to burn to a crisp.  The book is "Lies Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.  This is without a doubt one of the most BIBLICALLY-GROUNDED ladies' books I've ever read, even more solid than some of Elisabeth Elliot's works (who is one of my favorite authors).  It is challenging, it is convicting, it is refreshing, and most importantly it combats the lies that most of us live by with rock-solid, Scriptural TRUTH. 

In my opinion there is nothing a woman needs more than TRUTH.  We are by nature easily swayed by our emotions (although I am becoming more and more convinced that this is a trait that is always attributed to women but affects men as well... I have yet to meet a man who is not influenced and at times controlled whatever emotion he is currently feeling.... but that is a whole nother topic of discussion).  The only thing that I have found to effectively overrule my emotions is the TRUTH of God's Word that cannot be argued with.  The author of "Lies Women Believe" addresses the most common issues that women face in their perception of God, themselves, marriage, priorities, children, emotions, and circumstances by bringing out what God clearly teaches in His Word about each issue.

I haven't yet finished the book but I must say that the 200 pages I have read so far have given me a lot to think about and have reminded me of many areas in my life that I have let fall slack.  The main reason I am writing this review is because as I was reading the book, my mind kept traveling to different women in my life who would enjoy it and benefit from it.  So if you're reading this, and you're a woman, I highly recommend that you try this book! (Actually, some guys might benefit from reading it too, either to gain perspective on sins that women struggle with or for personal challenge, because I wouldn't be surprised if some of the lies that women believe are believed by men as well).  Give it a try, and let me know what you think and how the book has affected you!