To write words down on paper and to gather ones thoughts to exist only in words seems pale in comparison to these swirling masses of emotions I feel inside me... to be so close to you yet I can not touch you... to be ten feet away... I gather comfort in knowing that you're thinking of me and I of you.

As I toss the pennies into the babbling brook and hoping my wish is strong enough to carry it that extra few inches I know it will need; clinging to this small gesture wanting it to come true.  I have never wished or hoped for anything with more earnest.

To be so precarious, to witness this unfolding, to be a part of it is an amazing thing.  Why was I chosen for this special treat?  It is something every girl hopes for and at one point I believed that I would never experience it and yet...  hope...

I give you my heart.

I have never given my heart to another.  Thought I never would.  To entrust your essence of who you are to another is mind boggling at best.  It is the most vulnerable gesture I know of and here I am giving it away.  I can think of no better person to hand it to.  Treat it gently for I fear it will break easily.

********

Words written many moons ago...  and, my heart is healing, becoming stronger.

If the opportunity to love so intensely in another is given to you - take it.  Do not be afraid of it.  Embrace it.  The pain the comes from loving so deeply is just as great; but, you will see the world more clearly.  You will begin to understand the nature of what makes us human.  Life is to be experienced.  When you can take love into yourself and then experience the heart breaking wenching of another's heart from you - the outcome will allow yourself to become stronger.  The walk of life requires you to do so.  It is a necessary step into becoming. 

I am homeless and jobless. 

It's an interesting position to be in.  Interesting in the aspect that it is self-inflicted.  I have chosen this path or have I?

When I place the house on the market almost a year ago; the thought was I am ready for something different.  I have been here 10 years and the house fulfilled a need at that time and I am ready to see what comes next.  It was a time of expectation.  Ready for something new.

Then, work, I had been with the company for about 9 years and the same dreary routine - over and over - it's like being stuck in a pair of skates and told to skate around until you find the beginning of the ice - an almost fuitless exercise.  Medriocrisy had set in.  I had become stagnant.  I wrote my resignation letter and left.  It wasn't a wham bam - I've had it walk it.  It was a conscious choice.  I had debated for half a year.  About the same time, the house went on the market. 

Now, I look back and shift through those thoughts.  You always want to critique and ask yourself, "What the hell have I done?"  "I have left security behind."

What I will lose if I leave

• you have left an almost six figure job
• you have left a job that comes very easy to you
• you have left a job which was very secure for you
• you have left a job which will be very hard to find in the area which you currently live
• you have left a job which was safe

What I will gain if I leave

• my sanity

I'm not sure if everyone has the opportunity or need to find themselves realizing that making money isn't the answer to life.  For me, and I like to think for most, you come to see that life is the little steps not the money that dictates the little steps you take.  Yes, money is needed to function in this journey called, "Life".  But, great money or the pursuit of it will turn you. 

If you are ever given an opportunity to just stop.  To stop caring about making alot of money - do it.  The perspective you gain is immense and more that learning to make big bucks.

The next hard part is finding something to keep me occupied.  I wanted to volunteer at a local church - the politics at churches was greater than I had anticipated.  The reasoning for volunteering was sheer boredom.  So, I stopped asking if they needed help.

I now

• sleep in a little
• taking up learning to meditate
• walking
• reading books
• spending time with my family
• watching nature
• learning to put myself first as a priority vs what the world expects

I have learned that its hard to do all those things and that earning money was easier.

Will I go find another job - yes, for now, I'm not ready.

I finally received a contract on my house.

I am grateful.  The house was placed on the market in June and throughout the past months, I received several offers.  A few withdrew their offers, two couldn't get financing and one totally freaked out at the thought of owning a house and came back on three different occasions with various options from leasing to own to 15,000 less in asking price.  It has been quite the journey and I know it still isn't over until you get the final check in the bank.

I have lived here nine years.

I purchased the house after my divorce was final and it was one of the first decisions for me without the input of another.  It was my getaway from it all house.  I mentally refound myself here and it has served it purpose :)

But, in some ways, I have grown so comfortable, I think I will find it hard to let go and leave.

Where will I go?

What will I do?

Did I mentioned that I quit my job as well?

hahaha  I know - the insanity of it all and yet, I am quite a peace.

My divorce was a good one or as good as one gets.  I took 10,000 dollars and left him with everything excluding the livingroom and bedroom set.  I was going to make it on my own without knowing that I relied on another's money.  We had been married for 7 years and the relationship became one of roommates where we rarely saw each other.  Marriage is or should be more than that.  And, I know divorce isn't the answer but, in the place and time where we were - that was the solution that was chosen.

And now, I am finding myself and moving full steam ahead.  It is a great place to be.

I have done the marriage thing, the work hard and make alot of money thing and now I am finding what makes me whole.  I don't need to make all that money, nor, own that big house and fancy car.  I am finding peace in more simplier things like watching birds, spending time with my nephew and niece, taking the parents to dinner, helping my dad restore my 1963 Buick Riviera , get into the best shape of my life, flip a house, read all those books sitting beside my bed, become MCSE certified - just because, and rent a house at the ocean.

I found that I can see things more clearly when there isn't all that clutter surrounding me.  Today, it all makes sense.  Let me sleep on it and tell you how I feel tomorrow lol