Hey All

I have so much creative energy and it feels like I have no good place to invest it. I am not interested in what I am doing. The grad school thing is not a good fit, but I hate saying that because to me it sounds like failure, like I can’t handle it. And maybe I can’t. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Or maybe the program is the wrong place for me and I could flourish somewhere else. I don’t hate it though. Honestly, I am having the time of my life, meeting great people, creating meaningful friendships, exploring new parts of life that I hadn’t before. I feel like I am living to the fullest more than I had in the past—taking advantage of my opportunities. But, the main purpose of me being here is not fulfilling. I don’t really care much about the stuff I am learning about and the general culture of my program is not the ideal, not my ideal. I admit, as well, that I am not used to having absolutely no creative (specifically performative) outlet. And I am seeking approval and recognition. I don’t receive that here because, well, basically I haven’t been doing anything worthy of it. And I know that. It’s sad but I think facebook is the closest thing I have to filling that void right now, as pathetic as that sounds. But, you know, I get to post my pictures up here and show everyone how cool my life is and all the great things I’m experiencing. And it’s nice to get feedback that and comments that say, “Hey cool, you were in California,” or “You look great!” In a way I feel completely lame admitting that, but at the same time, I know that facebook truly does serve that purpose for so many people—we are just taught not to admit it. Because everybody wants to be cool. The key is to pretend that you don’t care. I feel that, at least.

I miss people too. I am realizing more and more that you really don’t just keep accumulating friends as you go through life, but you trade them in for new experiences. It’s not intentional; it just happens. And as much as I’d like to think that I kept in touch with my closest friends from high school and Joyful Noise and all the random places I’ve lived, programs I’ve done, and countries I’ve visited…I really can’t claim them anymore. So many have really just become part of my “greater social network” which only exists online, and in my romanticized memories.

I guess this is a confession of sorts. Probably a cry for attention too. But, not a bad attention, I hope. Sometimes I just need to reach out to people, and I don’t feel like I cash in on that too terribly often. Right now I just can’t sleep and have written 20 pages in the past two days on two separate topics which I feel I know nothing about, all the while gearing up for the presentation and proposal that I haven’t started yet and have tomorrow night to finish. My mind is racing, and stressed, and tired, and just bursting with an energy and desire that I cannot expend right now.

I really want to sing solo on a stage, or be in a play right now. I never realized how incredibly fulfilling those experiences were until I got to a place in my life where A. I am not participating in them and B. have come to understand the greater reality that I may never have a chance to do so again. Church choir and community theatre, though beautiful opportunities, somehow don’t accomplish the same aims or fulfill the same desires as those electric high school fall plays, or a Joyful Noise spring concert.

All the while, I can’t express how thankful I am for where I am and all that I have. Sometimes you just run a little empty, and want someone to extend a hand. Thanks, loves. Thanks very much.

travel

summer lovin'

and so it begins