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Sunday, August 13, 2006

wow...i didn't realize it but i'm still a huge control freak and i'm still constantly fighting God for control over my life even with the stupidest things! I thought I had learned my lesson and completely surrendered to God but this past week has revealed that I don't always do that! After Priscilla's accident, I was already pretty shaken up that it was just so easy to go. Then, some jerk hits my car in a parking lot and doesn't leave a note. Then I lost my car keys. So just the progression of things is inverted and things actually weren't as bad as the one before. However, I freaked out about them and needed something logical to hold on to and soon was speculating that I shouldn't drive and Jack the monkey was cursed (although since his removal from my car...things have been looking up...jk jk). Basically, I just wanted some sort of reasoning for why things were going badly. I didn't like not having control of my life. I didn't like how someone my age can die as easily as someone who's 101. I didn't like not even being able to remember what i did with my keys! Someone suggested that maybe my "worst week ever" was a test from God...that may have been the case but I think it was more a wake up call to remember that God is in control and to remember to live for him (and be happy that i'm not in control cuz i can't even remember where i leave my keys!)
so lesson learned. and hopefully permanently this time.

oh interesting side note...so i was pretty distraught over my keys. and i was having dreams about finding my keys. and last night i had a dream that my keys were in the piano so at 3am i went downstairs and searched the piano...of course, they weren't there...also the piano bench which opened in my dream...does not open. then today...my dad and i gave one final search for my keys...we tore my room apart (and rob, it has never been as messy as when you saw it) and couldn't find it. then, my dad goes downstairs and starts randomly searching places, he finds it in the armchair by the piano! YAY I HAVE MY KEYS! but honestly? who cares? God knew where they were all along. He was just being nice to me and trying to get me to stop freaking out about stupid things.

Monday, August 07, 2006

I was sure by now, God You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Listening to some worship songs on the way to work, I couldn't really sing along as usual because it's just kinda hard to praise God in the midst of all the sorrows. And then that made me cry because I know that God never wanted any of this pain to happen and is ultimately in control of everything even though I have absolutely no idea what it is. Being an engineer, I've been trained to think logically and I'm struggling to find a reason that Priscilla died. Maybe she was drunk, maybe her car was defective, maybe there was a deer...something, anything to explain why it happened. But even that isn't enough because I ultimately want to know "Why?" Why would God let this happen? He could have saved her so why didn't He?

I know I may never understand why it happened but I also know that God loves us and ultimately will use even tragedy for his good works. He already showed us his love in sending Jesus, his one and only son, to die for us. While the pain hurts now, one day, everything will be perfect as He intended it to be. Priscilla may be gone but we're still here to do God's work. And He will never abandon us and will help us through everything.

Something I shared at college group that i wanna write down someplace that really sort of fits right now is that life is kinda like a puzzle. Not one of the easy kiddie puzzles but one of those 5000 piece puzzles withextra pieces and no final picture to follow that's really hard to do! You open the box and it's just overwhelming. God's got the "answer" key to the puzzle and he knows how it's going to finish. But we're just scrambling through the pieces trying to fit things together in our lives. Forcing pieces to fit in places they don't go, trying different pieces over and over, etc. Sometimes, pieces click and we can clearly see what God has intended but other times we have no idea. It's a mess right now but God knows and will help you figure it out. Just remember to ask him.

So in the end, I will praise Him in this storm and trust in Him because He's the only way I'll get through this. He has and is always pouring his blessing on me even through the rough times. I've got to stop taking the blessings for granted and recognize how God is continually showing His love to me. Life's too short to hold grudges or to procrastinate. You never know if it's the last time you'll see someone.

So to all my friends, I thank God that He's given me such wonderful friends and I love you all. Keep Priscilla's family in your prayers.

And to Priscilla, I'll miss you and I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend, but I'll see you again in Heaven.

on a completely different note...i am still very very pissed at whoever hit my car.

Friday, August 04, 2006

i'm bored

1. Are you wearing a necklace? yup yup
2. Does your computer have a mouse? well i have a touchpad and can connect one
3. Who is the main person you talk to in each of your classes? Daina...i'd die without her!
4. Do you have a cut in your nose? i hope not
5. Are you rich? nope
6. How many bedrooms do you have in your house? Four
7. What song are you listening to? Switchfoot- on fire
8. What's the last mall you went to? Hawthorn Mall
9. Are you alone? Nope, chilling with my post doc!
10. Do you have any older siblings? nope
11. What is the last thing you ate? yogurt
12. Who was the last person to come over your house? which house?
13. Who was the last person that called you? Joel
14. Who was the last person you texted you? Mike
15. What time is it? 11:10
16. What should you be doing? reading about capillary electrophoresis
17. Who is the last person you IMed? Melissa
18. Did you go out to eat yesterday? Nope.
19. What are you thinking right now? I'm hungry
20. What color is your shirt? Green
21. What color is your keyboard? Black
22. What do you feel like eating? hmmm...raspberries
23. Are you in college? yup yup NORTHWESTERN!
24. What is the last word you wrote? huh?
25. Are you bored? very
26. How many teeth do you have? i dunno...
27. Miss anyone right now? Yeah...
28. Do you wear glasses?yeah but i always wear contacts
29. What color are your shoes? White with some silver and blue
30. Are your toes painted? actaully...yes....weird...
31. Last thing you drank? Water
32. Last word you typed? water...
33. Wanna have sex? when i'm married!
34. Who do you love? my family and all my friends
35. What are you doing right now? typing this...waiting for experiment
36. What time is it now? 11:!2
37. What are you looking at? internet...
38. What's the last word you said? i'm gonna go check on our experiment
39. Do you have lipgloss on? yeah
40. Do you have eyeliner on? not today

Name: Wenny
Eye color: Brown.
Shoe size: 6.5
Height: 5'0"
What are you wearing right now? jeans and tshirt
Righty or lefty: Righty.
Can you make a dollar in change right now: um maybe? if i dig in my bag
----------------------------------------------------------
FAVORITES

Kind of pants: comfy jeans
Animal: penguins! and dogs (i want one!)
Drink: i really like apple juice
Month: hmmm...December
Juice: apple
Favorite cartoon character: simba
----------------------------------------------------------

HAVE YOU EVER...

Given anyone a bath: my dog count?
Bungee Jumped? nope
Made yourself throw-up? i didn't mean to...
Skinny dipped? nope
Broken a bone: just a toe
Played truth or dare: yeah
Been in a physical fight: nope
Been on a plane: yup
Came close to dying: not really
Been in a hot tub: yup
Fallen asleep in school: only like twice
Cried when someone died: yeah...
Fell off your chair: yeah
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: haha no, i need my sleep.
Saved AIM conversations: yea
Used someone: i don't think so
---------------------------------------------------------------

WHAT IS...

New fav. song: i dunno...i really like soo many songs
Beside you: my post doc
Last thing you ate: yogurt
----------------------------------------------------------------
Ever Had...

Chicken pox: yeah
Sore Throat: yup
Stitches: nope
Broken nose: nope
----------------------------------------
Do You...

Believe in love at first sight: LOVE at first sight: no
Believe in long distant relationships: yes
Like school: eh
Question yourself: yes
Who was the last person that called you? joel
Who makes you smile the most: brewer
Who knows you the best: daina
Do you like filling these out: when im bored
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses: contacts
Do you get along with your family: yeah
------------------------------------------------------------------

Final Questions:

What did you do yesterday: work, eat, clean, tv
What car/truck do you wish to have: i don't really care
Have a lava lamp: nope
How many remote controls are in your house? which house
Are you double jointed? nope
When you last showered: morning
Scary or Funny Movies: funny
Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
Rootbeer or Dr.Pepper: yuck no rootbeer or pop ever
Summer or winter: summer
Silver or Gold: silver
Diamond or pearl: diamond
Sprite or 7up: no pop!
Coffee or tea: tea
Phone or in person: in person
---------------------------------------------------

Today did you...

1. Talk to someone you liked: uh what do u mean?
2. Buy something: nope
3. Get sick: nope
4. Talked to an ex: nope
5. Miss someone: yeah
________________________________________________

Last person who....

6. Slept in your bed: me!
7. Made you laugh: mike
8. Hit you: brewer
9. Went to the movies with: Dokken, Elaine, Barbara, Pablo
10. Said "I Love You" to: wo ai ni =D silly elaine
____________________________________________

11. Ever been in a fight with your pet: well i got mad at him after he peed on me...
12. Been to Mexico: nope
13. Been to Europe: nope
_______________________________________________

Random.....

14. Do you have a crush on someone right now: unfortunately yes
15. What book are you reading now: Screwtape Letters
16. How many kids do you want to have, and what will their names be?: let's not talk about that...
17. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: yeah jordan and payton!
18. What's under your bed: lots of random stuff
19. Favorite sports to watch: gymnastics, football, soccer
20. Favorite Locations: CHICAGO
21. tattoos or piercings: earrings
22. What are you most scared of right now? hurting my friends
23. Who do you really hate? cutthroat competitive people or unloyal people
24. Do you have a job? yeah
25.Have you ever liked someone you didn't have a chance with?: yeah
26. Are you lonely right now? nope
27. Song that's stuck in your head right now? nothing really
28. Have you ever played strip poker: no way
29. Have you ever gotten beat up? not really
30. Have you ever been on radio/TV: yup! DM!
31. Have you ever been in a mosh-pits: nope
32. Ever liked someone, but thought they never noticed? yeah
________________________________________________

Random...

33. What color is your shirt right now? green
34. Whats the first things you notice about the opposite sex? eyes and smile
35. Your Favorite Food? chinese
36. Ever get so drunk you dont remember? nope
37. Are you too shy to ask someone out?: uh yeah
38. Hugs or Kisses? hugs
39. dogs or cats? dogs
40. Favorite Flower? lilys
41. Have you ever fired a gun? watergun...
42. How many pillows do you sleep with? 4
43. Who are you missing right now: lee
44. What are you wearing on your feet? socks and shoes
45. Do you have any medical conditions?nope!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Recap of Junior Year...

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I'm a sucker for the adventure stories with a hero...you know...batman, spiderman, lord of the rings, demonwars trilogy, belgariad (kadela knows what i'm talking about) and most recently...superman. there's something about the hero that is extremely attractive. the idea of a perfect guy who's always gonna protect you from the craziest of things from insane villans to orcs to the others is just irresistible. and then you have to snap out of fantasy world and enter reality where the guys are far from perfect. and i'm starting to realize...maybe i'm waiting for a superman who doesn't exist.

i already had a year of deciding between a jack or a sawyer. and i know i like the jacks except i don't think the jacks like me. so maybe i settle and only imagine guys like elbryan, aragon, and just give up on superman because he's just not real (and even if he was...he's in love with lois lane ).