In keeping with tradition, I will start this post off with a brief introduction.  I have been meaning to write for a few days, although the subject relates to my last entry.  It seems that I write these things mostly for myself, because no one else really understands what I'm talking about; it's easier to tell everyone something than to tell someone everything.  As a result, the entry you are about to read is very vague on purpose with no specific individuals mentioned by name.  An analogy best represents what I have been feeling lately, albeit in concept rather than in subject matter.  Hopefully this example will be somewhat comical to the casual xanga passer-by, in which case I would appreciate it if the reader gave me 2 eprops (hint). 

To make this analogy work, imagine that I am overweight (as difficult as that may be) and on a diet.  Diets are supposed to make the diet-er happy in the end, and mine is no different.  But dieting itself is not the issue; the real analogy is a choice inherent to any diet; that is, choosing between a natural human desire (sugary treats) and what "does the body good" in the long run (milk and leafy greens).  In a tribute to diets named after their creators (a la the late Dr. Robert Atkinson), let's call it the Freudian Diet - the id as the sweet tooth, the superego as the health guru.  Of course, every aspect of this hypothetical diet represents something (or someone?   ) in my life, but figuring out exactly what those somethings are makes it more fun for the reader, right?  So back to the choice.  I have to decide whether to do what I know is right, and more importantly what I think will make me happier long-term (lots of fruits and veggies), or to partake in the finer pleasures of life for instant gratification (chocolate mousse and creme brulee).  Indulgence may be a more appropriate word; surfeiting on junk food (and enjoying every minute of it) before getting a stomach ache, regretting what I have done, and returning ashamed to my humble carrots and lettuce.  But no one is perfect, are they?  What is so bad about taking a break every once in a while and trying something new?  Is change not the only thing that is constant in life?  Not to mention that snacking on junk food is much easier than keeping tabs on your daily calorie intake.  But taking the easier route is not what this situation is about.  I want both kinds of food, but for very different reasons.  Naturally, I crave certain types of food on certain days depending on mood, stress, etc., which raises another important question.  Does a transient craving for sweets justify abandoning a healthy diet altogether?  The obvious answer is no; that is, assuming that the craving is in fact only temporary. 

The problem is this is no ordinary diet.  Although it is self-imposed, I have one choice, good food vs. bad food, and one chance to make it; there is no going back, no changing my mind later after I get bored with one or the other.  This boredom is inevitable regardless of my ultimate decision, because even the most disciplined individual cannot keep up the same banal routine forever.  Either way the situation seems hopeless from the start, and maybe this outlook is the root of all my troubles.  But for peace of mind’s sake if nothing else, I need to make up my mind.  Returning to the diet, one last example illustrates my solution.  Lets say I want a piece of pie for dessert one night after dinner, even though I know I shouldn’t have it.  In the end, I do not enjoy the pie, but not because I realize it is an unhealthy choice.  Instead I pass the buck (excuse me Teddy Roosevelt) to someone else so I don’t feel like I am depriving myself of something so good; its not that I don’t want the pie - I convince myself that the pie does not want me.  Everything is well and good until the next time I think about this slice of pie (or any other food not classified as healthy) when I have to remind myself of this solution all over again.  I apologize for the crude symbolism, but after all I am only replacing proper nouns with the names of desserts (a device not limited to this final example, but actually used throughout this entry).  So now with the id taken care of (at least until the next pass by the cookie jar), I am free to gorge on the myriad available varieties of fruits and vegetables, five servings a day when I am able (a rare occurrence – instead stockpiling each serving until the weekend in most cases, when I can finish them all at once).  You can see that this issue is of no small importance to me, judging from the number of words in this post (884); summer is fast approaching and I want to look good in a bathing suit.  Well, its getting late; not a bad time for a midnight snack.  So what’ll it be, an apple? Or a banana? What about a chocolate sundae with a cherry on top…

Late night thoughts with Dr. Sternad -

It is 12:40 on Saturday night and I am alone.  Not lonely, just alone, and its kind of nice.  It is a rarity when everyone else in my house is asleep and none of my friends are on aim.  As naturally social creatures, we don't like to be alone, often times we are even scared of the idea.  Of course I am not totally alone and isolated from the world; after all, I am connected to the internet, and the sand man is visiting the bedroom right across the hall.  Actually, no one can ever really be truly alone.  There will always be familial connections, no matter how distant, or friends or co-workers that think of you. 

After this brief introduction, we come to the point of my entry.  While I was brushing my teeth tonight, I got to thinking.  Normally I don't like to be alone, more out of habit and neccesity than anything else, because as a teenager it is hard to get away anyway so you just learn to live with people.  But tonight it seems different for some reason, whether because many of my close friends are out of town and out of touch or because I am tired and should be sleeping, and I feel independent.  From this detached perspective, albeit with personal circumstances in mind, I started wondering why people, myself included, like to be around other people (or more specifically, like to be around certain other people). 

For ease of communication (in addition to being egotistical, and, hey, this is my xanga anyway and its all about me) I will use a personal pronoun to represent 'people.'  So do I (editor's note - see previous sentence concerning personal pronouns) want to be with someone, or do I want to be with someone?  Lets take a second to consider these two choices.  If I wanted to be with someone, then I would call up a friend to go to the movies with me.  Not a bad way to pass an evening, maybe even followed up by a quick dinner at Waffle House and some xbox back at home.  If one person isn't available, then the next screen name on my buddy list becomes the object of my attention.  But if I want to be with someone (::cough::), how about an impromptu chik-fil-a dinner over history notes followed by an online chat later that  night?  Finally the distinction between the two; if that someone in the second situation isnt available, or, lets say, on vacation, then all I do is stare at a half eaten box of gourmet chocolates next to the keyboard.  To be with someone is just that, to literally be with them.  To be with someone is something else.  The problem arises when an individual has to choose between the two.   

The intent of this entry was not to make some deep, impacting social statement, but instead to clear up some confusion I recently brought upon myself (coincedentally, by thinking too much - exactly what I am doing right now).  No single person will understand everything I just said (different people, different places, but all true), but maybe if some of you compare stories you can figure out all of the allusions.  This probably should have been a private entry, but it feels good to say it out loud (or type it publicly, at least).  Well, it seems like I am back where I started an hour ago, sitting alone in my room thinking to myself, just as confused as I was before.  But Saturday night is jazz night on NPR, a weekly tradition, and I have seven more Ferrero Rocher treats right here next to the keyboard to keep me company.

I am a ship in a bottle set sail.