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| There are times when, in my situation, i find nothing but despair and hopelessness. i find myself coveting that number. i want to be just a number. and i want it so bad. because what people take for granted, is that that number has magic powers, and with it you can summon to you, almost effortlessly, the most ordinary things, the most essential things that, without it, you couldnt attain. with out it you are nobody. you are not even a number. - and the closer and closer i get to these things, these things that this number provides. the closer i get to dipping my toes in its bountyful waters, the further and further i get from it. because i am living a lie. i am a living lie. alive, but im not even a number. the closer and closer i get to landmarks in my life, the more i have to lie to myself and everyone around me. the more i have to thing of yet another reason why, at the age of 18, i still cannot even obtain an identification card. because im not in this system of numbers. this secret club. the closer i get to, once again, flying on a plane to visit a college, the more i cant because you see, the check in requires an ID, which i dont have, because i cant get it, because i dont have a number. the further and further i get from my college dream, that i even STILL cant fulfill because i dont have that number. which means that i cant get any scholarships, which means my single mother would have to pay $35,000 a year because i cant go to a public university, because i dont have that goddamned number. - and even though we pay taxes. taxes every single year, i isee no cent of it in a 401K, or retirement plan. i see no health insurance, and i see no job to help my mother pay for some of our expenses. i see no ID card, i see no lisence, i see no plane ride, and i see no college. i see pain in my moms eyes, and i see no retirement, and i see no health, and no job, but above all, i see nothing ahead of me. and i cant find a way to change that. | | |
| Dear YOUit scares me to know that at this moment right now im truly alone. i cant talk to anybody, i cant cry, and i cant go home. i cant really leave my tent because its starting to rain dark, and im afraid that if i sleep now, ill wake up in the darkest dark. i cant help wonder where youre at, or how everything is going for you. im only really hoping you miss me like crazy too. dear you, the rain is getting stronger, the woods are getting dark and the light wont last much longer. ive lost all sense of time and time has lost its care for me. im overwhelmed with lonelyness, and my thoughts wont let me sleep. im so tiered and exhausted but i know it wont be much more, until i get home and then a week later have you standing at my door. oh you- how i hope time does to you what it has done to me. i miss you every passing moment, and love you more everyday- truly. you lift my spirits up everytime we meet, and i know that im in love with you everytime we speak. i see you in the sun and rain, in easy times and in the deepest pain. your face is painted in the woods im in, and in the sweetest winter, youre the sweetest sin. i love the way you twitch in your sleep, i love the confidence you keep. i love it when you play me your guitar, i love you when we dance in your car. i love you, i love you but you scare me so bad. i want to be everything youll ever need or want to have. and that feeling scares me, i wont even lie. but being as lonely as i am right now- well its already made me cry. | | |
| she still lives in me.she still lives in me. where ever i go she will fallow. she is restless. she watched me sin. she watched me sin. she watched me. she watched. she. she knows every move i make. she comes at me with greatest confidence that i dont have. i dont have. i dont have that confidence she has. and it scares me. because she stepped into my life today. no questions. no answers. no questions. no answers. nothing but persuasion. persuade. persuaded me into the most beautiful porcelain face. kind kind kind kind kind. and it was beautiful. she was beautiful. and i knew that she knew she could make me beautiful. with her confident smile, kind, persuasive. i do it to make her proud. to make him proud. and she knows it. maybe ill make them proud. maybe if she keeps coming back. | | |
| february 11, 2008.i am guilty. of walking you down the road of jealousy. misunderstanding. lies. you lied. i lied. drugs. the road where you can only go further but you cant turn back. forget. me. us. you. yourself. you forgot yourself somewhere in that one last drink, onle last puff, cut, hit. somwhere in all the lies and stories told. somewhere in all the sex, and the beatings, and the fights, yells, and screams. you lost you. i lost you. we lost you. you are lost. and now youre wondering the town, city, state, country, world. because youre trying to escape what youve done. because you cant take it back. you could take it back. you wont take it back. this is for you, now that youre on your own. | | |
| march 31, 2008.free words. i feel the words slip out of my mouth. easly, flowing, flowing, growing, with feeling, feeling, felt. i felt the words, i spoke the words, i meant the words. easy, burdenless, colorful. colorful words. words with every meaning possible. with every feeling, ever being. all of me. me. me.me.me. booming, roaring. i hate you. i want you. i need you. repulsive. exclusive. i love you. i love you. i love you. in the easiest, guiltless, guiltiest, liberating, accepting way one can love hate and accept. for me. for me. not for you. free words. | | |
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