today i wrestle with...

yes I am at the mercy of myself and God.
I can fuck up my life and life surrounding me.
but once i decide to try and try to take care of myself and life surrounding me...i am still at the mercy of life itself. whatever it brings. i am at mercy of the Master.

so today's wrestle is...are you cruel, Master?
it's "yes. you are the Master. I have no choice. I have no say. No matter what, it doesn't change who you are and my limitations." Even if you are trust-worthy or not, or any other qualms about anything, you have that control. So the question that remains as my arm is twisted behind my back is, what kind of master are you?

i am wound tightly and i need release from the pressure.
i think you are cruel and i think the pressure will release from my brain and heart once i understand you are love with a disciplining rod.

yes, I identify with Jacob the wrestler.
But that makes Him mine, and me His, i think.


i am tired from wrestling, i do not have strength to wrestle you.
i am looking for resting arms not wrestling arms.

you're the one fighting, love.

then let your peace overcome my war, father.
infect me with your peace. shalom bomb me.
shoot me out of my misery. win this war.
white flag. mercy.


i am big
and i am mighty
but i am love throughout
it courses through the pain and suffering.
i am love through and through.

let me drink of your love, papa.

dear la friends and extended freimily (that would be friend-family)

i do not exist sunday through thursday.

the only time we hang out, talk, etc. will now be friday and saturday, when I come up for air. I am only writing online right now because I can't concentrate, even through I have two tests Monday. From now on I will have two tests every Monday, or every 4 days until the end of July. So I love you, and I will talk to you Friday and Saturday. Hip Hop on an empty stomach for two hours starting at 8 and half a bagel and some snacks during class from 10:30 till 3:30 is stretching my physical and mental limits. Only the first week has passed, and I've gotta fight. I pretty much have to fight until the end of this year. But actually, I get the feeling that I will be fighting all of my life, especially watching my parents working now.

I cannot concentrate as my mind is preoccupied with all sorts of things. I feel tempted to not take classes and work. I feel tempted to not take classes and focus on creating a night customer base for the bagel shop, which will take many hours and risks. I am very green. Not in an environmentally focused way, but in the inexperienced, feeling in over my head way. I know I shouldn't stop school, because it gives me timelines, motivation, and most importantly focus. I can just get more things done this way. But yes, I feel very preoccupied with this previous concern, along with other things...one...two in particular. Jesus must think I'm pizza dough, because I am getting WORKED. yes, kneaded, prodded, stretched, and flattened too.

1) i hate not having incoming money.

2) fuck this. I need to get actual exposure to an OT. I can't waste time here. I have to know this is what I want to do, or else stop and start making money.

3) survival first, and then happiness as we can manage it. -Ender's Game

4) life is a sporadic shit-fest/love-fest.

5) a quick reference to the other two preoccupations. forgive first and then do your thing. and two, it still hurts because for some reason i still believe in you.

6) the twenties are very confusing, exciting, exhausting, real. it has something to do with realizing that you do not know, and it is impossible for you to know, it has to do with realizing that it's genuinely trial and error. at least for me. i can't wait for them to be over, and i wish they never end.

i have no answers. only questions and possibilities. nothing is sure. except God. and only that he exists. and that he is sometimes very thoughtful, intimately knowledgable, and kind. and I only said God. I did not say Jesus was sure. He is a high possibility. like depending on what day it is, his chances of being real in my mind are 70-98 percent.

if only love was enough to sheild those you care for from suffering.
but alas, it is not.
so i guess it was not meant to be so.
suffering keeps me close to God.
so I wonder if suffering will end.

"and when I say I search for you...I mean I search for peace.
I search for hope, I search for love, and one day for relief."