tee hee stolen.....

If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, you must comment a memory of me.
It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened.

Then post this to your journal to see what people remember about you

I wrote this because I had nothing better to do and I was thinkin a lot. This is what I think to be, the worst thing that could happen to someone that won't kill them....

Have you ever known something about someone that you weren't suppose to? Something important about someone who is important to you? If you have then you must remember how horrible it felt to look at them the first time after knowing. And then you sort of seperate your life into two different chapters, before and after knowing. The before is sort of this ignorance is bliss type thing. You're happy and content, but it's only cause you know nothing is wrong. Then the ftaer is sort of this like time paradox. Everything is different and a lot of times the changes are for the worst. What you didn't know then makes you fear the now and upcoming. A small pit grows in your stomach. And the only thing that feeds it is remembrance. But the thing is that its mostly your remembrance. Because its the past for them and the present for you. It would've been the past for both, but the timing is completely wrong. And everytime you think back or a reference is made to it, the pit grows. It eats away at you. But on the outside you have to remain cheery and hide the pain, becase you're not suppose to know about this past. So there you are, stuck in this space between joy and pain. And you keep drifting from one to the other. And in neither do you find that happiness you felt before kwoing the truth. You drift to the joy and you're happy for a little while. But the pit grows, and eventually ruins what you had. You drift to the pain, and its all over. The relationship, whatever it may be, is over. No more pit, but now theres this huge hole in your heart. So you're stuck in the middle. The pit grows but does not consume you, and the hole in your heart never has to appear. And you're just there in this endless cycle of torture. You might go awhile without feeling anything, but then one day, something triggers it again. And it feels like a sucker punch to the gut. The pain is unbearable. Yet the pain is not enough for you to lose face in front of the person. And its not enough for you to get rid of them either. Yet though it exists, you're never truly happy. You can lie to yourself. You can say you forgot. But you know you didn't. Pits like that don't just vanish, they grow. And then eventually you think, if I succumb to the pain, I can end it all. No more growing pit, and no more pain with the person. Only problem is, that option leads you down the other road. Pain without the person. So once again, you are stuck. Pain with the person or pain without them? Which one is better and which is worse? Well neither is better or worse. Pain is pain, plain and simple.So then why is it such a hard decision. It's not, it's basically on or the other. The problem with it all is that we don't want to make the decision. We want things to go back to the way they were. Knowing the way things were, compared to the way things are now is the worst torture on Earth. Because there is no rewind button on life. Decisions are final, and if they are changed then the original leaves its mark. The torture lives with you to this day. The decision to end the pain anyway you want is at your fingertips, and you don't want to decide. And all the while, the pit just grows.

Yeah so thats what I think the worst thing is.....mad emo I know. O well.

Ok heres like a bunch of things people should know about me.....I'll just sort of stop when i think ive gone too far or whatnot.....k here i go

1.My name is sean.....but idiots pronounce as seen......idiots i tell ya

2.im an irish/puerto rican kid.....but i lean towards the irish.....cause who would believe im spanish.....come on now

3.i enjoy hangin out and skate boarding.....but the skating like takes a backseat to other things

4.i say often i am not gonna cut.....then i end up doing it.....so school isnt exactly my strong point

5.i have never tried a single drug and i used to smoke.....but now i quit

6.i used to be a semi alcoholic.....but now my liver is paying for it and so am i.....so no drinking lately.....actually in a long time

7.my biggest strong point apparently is my personality....i also like my hair.....but its mostly processed and fake

8.i have never ice skated.....lol

9.my favorite movie is snatch

10. my top three songs are.....silverstein-smashed into pieces.....beatles-hello,goodbye......and the killers-mr brightside.....good stuff

11.i have had a total of a bunch of a girlfriends(thats an estimate)....and so far only one has truly mattered to me more than anyone else

12. which leads to this one.....i am completely and totally in love.....you know who you are lol

13.i am not happy with many things ive done in the past

14.i live with guilt and regret and show neither....but at the same time often i dont care

15.my first kiss wasnt perfect and it angers me

16.i dont actually have too many friends so im no mr popular

17.once i have a friend i try to hold on for as long as possible

18.no one likes me.....lol now im just being dumb

19.i cant make a heart with ym hands.....it comes out retarded

20.i had a lot of fun acting in the school play.....cause i was actually using wutever talent i have to try and do somethin....it felt good

21. i used to keep a journal....but i gave up on that just as i gave up on other things

22.i now just keep things to myself as often as possible

23.there r going to be a lot of people whom i will miss after high school

24.i type like a weirdo online.....using like r and u.....mad old school status

25.my only fear in life is to end up alone....scary as hell

26."my only regret in life is that I'm not someone else" is the best quote i've ever only due to the fact i think its really sad.

27.woody allen said that by the way.

28.i miss people

29.i miss her

30."don't ever tell anybody anything, if you do you start missin everybody".....i like that one too from catcher in the rye

31.i think i wouldve like....died if i had to move to seattle that time i was suppose to.....suicide capital dont ya kno

32.one day i want to be shot.....in my left arm.....to see what it feels like

33."maybe the guy who said, im in love, really meant i stepped in it and now im sinking".....someone once said that to me.....that person is no longer in contact with me....damn loser

34.sometimes.....actually....a lot of times.....i feel helpless.....with my friends and all

35.i am very clumsy so dont have me carry the china vase

36.im also extremely stubborn

37.i once wrote a letter to general mills demanding they give the trix rabbit his trix.....no lie

38.the clock on my computer tells me it is 4 o clock when its really 7

39.i was once diagnosed with a.d.d.a and o.c.d.....but very small cases of it and now im fine i think

40.i have never once tried self mutilation.....i just cant.....ahhhhhh

41.i enjoy listenin to music in the dark and walkin out in pouring rain.....a lot

42.i also enjoy taking pictures.....but i have no digital camera....o poo

43.i talk funny

44.I am very deeply sorry to everyone I have ever hurt or did something wrong too.....ever.....and I actually mean that

45.that statement applies to too many fuckin people

46.as of right now.....im happy

47.joyous

48.and blissful

49.i dont kno y i did this

50.if u read this.....ur mad cool

ok yea im done.....read if u like.....o and also....today was freakin great.....three months....<333 like chica woahhh status