| stolen from tom.1. When you see a girl with huge knockers, do not go "Damn!"
and then laugh appreciatively to yourself - we can hear you. (why am i laughing appreciatively to myself? i didnt make her 'huge knockers'. maybe if i was her plastic surgeon, or jesus or something.)
2.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials. ( a) girls shouldnt watch tv. it gives them ideas. b) same goes for you girls. basicly, you have two minute windows throughout the day to talk.)
3. If you don't act like soap-opera guys,
don't expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models. (i dont want you to dress like Victorias Secret models, i want you to look like them.)
4. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. (if by calendar you mean your headboard, then maybe. if not, then hell no.)
5. There is no such thing as too much spooning. (if you want me be the big spoon, you are a man. end of story.)
6. Just because you L the C doesn't mean we have to S the D. (see number 11. anyone amazed at the hypocrisy?? *jumps excitedly waving arms*)
7.
This is how we see it . . . Don't call = Don't Care. (this is how we see it... dont call = i dont really remember whos number this is............)
8. Which also means that if we don't call, take
the hint. (why are we not dropping a hint when we do it, but women are???)
9. We like you to be a
little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary. (if you are purposefully trying to make me jealous, i hope you get stabbed in the left breast, contract cancer in the right one, and have your face deformed by a shovel. oh, and im breaking up with you.)
10. Putting things in our butt does not turn us on.(right back at you, you crazy kinky bitches. and you should be much more used to having things put in you.)
11. Return favors: we massage, you massage; we shave, you shave (and not just your face). (we die, you die. im sorry, you have a problem with that? but.....that would mean your rule is stupid and not constant......WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD!??!?!)
12.
Foreplay is not an option . . . its a prerequisite. (fine but you should know, my definition of foreplay is having sex with you.)
13. We're allowed to be late . . . you are not. (TRUST ME, i do NOT want you to be late. worst case scenario right there.)
14. Eye contact is key. (you want our eyes to touch? thats painful and im fairly sure unsanitary. crazy bitch.)
15. Don't take longer to get ready than we do. (you would have to die about 10 years before me for that to be possible.)
16. Laugh at our jokes. (tell jokes that dont end in, "so i bought the shoes", or "im sucking the life out of you")
17.
Three words . . . honesty, honesty, honesty. (honestly, if im lying, its something youd rather not find out about :D)
18. Girls can be groupies. Guy groupies are stalkers. (guy groupies are homosexuals, since bands rarely if ever have women in them. and any girl that calls herself a groupie has the a bigger vagina than IQ)
19. We never have to wonder if your orgasm was real. (so your proud that your manipulative bitches? pretty sure i dont follow this one. and you should wonder. especially you fatties.)
20.
Do not start with us. You will not win... not kidding .. we ALWAYS win
(are you fucking high? the only thing women ever win at are things no guy wants to be a part of. i.e. figure skating, pointless arguments)
21. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didn't think so. (i treat every woman i meet with respect and kindness. if i ever met you, however, i would punch you in your ovaries.)
22. If you ask nicely, we usually answer the same way. ("would you terribly mind if i raped you up the butt? itd really help me out of a jam....")
23. We will never have enough clothes or shoes! Ever! (so why should we bother letting you have ANY? i prefer women barefoot and naked.)
24.
We have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month. Come on
guys...most of you have more PMS then us girls.. (actually, ive never menstruated, so its not possible for me to have PMS. and you dont get an excuse for that. you could have money and chocolate coming out of your vagina and youd still be bitchy.)
25. Open the door
for us no matter where we are . . . even at our house and getting into
the car. I know it seems like a lot but is it that hard? (i thought women could do anything a man can do?)
26. We love surprises! (surprise! your on gregs candid camera!!!!!!!)
27. We liked to be kissed softly, not with an iron tongue. (why are you kissing robots and/or Jaws from James Bond?? i mean really. thats just dumb.)
28.Pay attention to the little things we do, because they mean the most. (i would certainly pay attention to the little things if you paid more attention to my big thing.)
29.
Boxers and maybe boxer briefs sometimes . . . NEVER whitey-tighties,
NEVER! (this makes some sense. but i think this should also work for girls. no granny panties or briefs.)
30. Clean your room before we come over. (bitch, since when am i letting you in my house. my family is there.)
31.
Always brush your teeth before you see us . . . a fresh mouth and white
teeth are a necessity plus we do the same for you. (brushing your teeth doesnt necessarily make them white...... and what kind of racist are you anyway?)
32. When we use our teeth it means that you suck at
going down on us, so we are just returning the favor. (BUT I THOUGHT IF I LD THE C THEN YOU DIDNT HAVE TO S THE D?! GERG CONFUZD?!)
33. Even though you are sometimes insensitive and hurt us, we still love you with everything we are. (i only ask you to love me with one part. well, sometimes two.)
34.
Sometimes even when you think we hate you, we don't, we just want you
to apologize so we can be allowed to love you again (the one above this pretty much contradicts this. how the hell dumb do you get?)
35. Don't act hard around your friends because I
won't make you hard tonight. AKA don't be an ass (in the words of Huey, "but dont let that shit go to yo head, cuz what this cutie wont do, pimpin, another one will.")
36. Sometimes "NO!" really means "NO!" (when the hell does it mean yes? have i been missing out on something??!?!?! zomg!)
37. "Wife Beaters" are not an adequate form of fashion. (i do NOT wear wife beaters for fashion. i wear them because they are comfortable and keep sweat off my shirt. that being said, i look damn sexy in them.)
38.
If we wanted to be on video tape, we'd be a porn star not your
girlfriend. (if i cared if you wanted to be a video tape, i would have asked you about it before hand. dirty porn star. ugh.)
39. Sensitive guys are great . . . but
crying more than we do in a movie just isn't right. (if a girl im with cries at a movie, im heading for the 'bathroom' aka my car.)
40.
Don't let ex-girlfriends cause drama, relationships are stressful
enough!!!!! (since when do i have control over whether or not my ex-girlfriends decide to cause drama?)
41. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays. (It takes a special kind of stupid to forget the date of the super bowl. have your birthday some other time.)
42.
Guys who are good cuddlers = guys who know how to satisfy a woman.
(girls who bake and give up cookies = girls who know how to satisfy a guy.)
43. "Fat Chicks" have feelings too--all chicks have feelings. (but theyre buried under all the fat, so we have to be especially forceful towards them, otherwise they would never experience feelings. thats just science, dumbass.)
44. Silent treatment + shoulder shrugs + tears + yelling + nasty looks = YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG! (in my defense, i never listen to you, so i cant see half of those signs.)
45.
If you are not a good dancer, please be self-aware. (thats fair, but it
goes both ways. the only acceptable form of girls dancing is slow dancing and/or grinding.)
46. Just because
a girl doesn't pick up on the first ring doesn't mean she's not waiting
by the phone.(i dont talk on the phone. your obviously wasting your time sitting by it.)
47. You don't have to spend a lot, if it means a lot. ("honey i made you this clay statue of my upper body because on our first date you were wearing a shirt that said "paris or bust". and im sure as hell not taking you to paris.")
48. Don't say you love me if you don't mean it. (dont blurt it out to me after we have sex.)
49.
Don't lie to us . . . we will catch you...eventually we always catch
you. (how can you possibly consider that true? if you havent caught us, how would you know if youve always caught us? PARADOX THAT!)
50. When the girls get
together, we talk about EVERYTHING. Meaning my best friends knows
everything about you. (when guys get together, we talk about sex and
cage fighting. so youd better be good at sex, cuz i dont want to date
a cage fighter.) <thats toms response, but i refuse to change it because its amazing.
51. Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep (its not a promise, its a threat.)
52 - Don't
tell your girl "I saw "this thing" that you would have loved and I was
going to buy it for you..." or " I was going to buy you "fill in the
blank"... but then didn't for whatever reason. If you didn't buy it we
don't want to hear about it, all that does is create disppointment.
Either buy it or shut up about it. (if i dont actually buy you anything, why would i talk about doing it?) |
