| | So I changed the header quote on my Xanga from the Brady-inspired classic "I'm not morally deficient, I'm magically delicious!" to "Just as you can
recognize seawater because it always tastes of salt, you can recognize
enlightenment because it always tastes of freedom" from Buddha. My reasoning for this is two fold.
1) I really like the Buddha quote.
2) I'm past the point of the magically delicious quote defining me. I remember that Brady said that to me right after Krista called me morally deficient, as I sobbed on his couch. But I'm not really that person anymore. I don't need to be giving the finger to every asshole who thinks they have a right to judge me sexual or religious life. And I've largely stopped blaming myself when people are hostile and mean about those two qualities. I've stopped feeling like it is my responsibility to Queer 101 everyone, and I don't have to justify my life to strangers or friends in order for them to like me.
When I think about Krista, I don't feel mad at her anymore. I don't sit around and wish for a childhood where she wasn't a bully or harbor any anger over the multitudes of bullshit that she pulled over the years. I didn't forget it, but I don't really think of it. Now, when she pops into my head, it is more like a sense of gladness and calm that I no longer have anything to do with her. My experiences with her made me who I am, and I have no desire to change the past or fit her back in my present life. That taste of salt she left in my mouth has truly been replaced by freedom and I'm really glad to finally be free of her.
This may seem like a strange thing to say, but all of it came upon me yesterday out of nowhere, which was pretty strange. I am free of the pain and resentment I've harbored for so long. And it tastes delicious and sweet.
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| | Posted 4/2/2008 5:11 PM - 57 views - 0 comments
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