So yesterday i had a really bad day..everyone knows about it now, and everyone is all telling me things will be ok.  to anyone who has sent words of encouragement my way, thank you.  i really appreciate your love. it is just really difficult still, and it will always be. no one really understands, but its ok, thank you for being an encouragement.

I think God sent me an angel the other day in the most precarious place. I was hangin out with a friend of mine i met on friendster, and we were just walking around marietta square looking at shops and going in and all that jazz.  So i was really burdened with the whole love thing you know, you have read my other xanga's.  And out of no where as we are walking down the sidewalk, this cute old man comes up to me and puts his hand on my shoulder and says "Be strong,..everything will be ok".  And then he just walked off..and i was just soooo baffled.. it was amazing.  Thank you God.

i dont understand how things can be going like this.  i wake up this morning haunted by dreams of her. she is in my every thought , even when i sleep.

Dream:  Me and my friend Phillip (from the band Steadlur..awesome band..plug plug plug) are eating at Wendy's and we sit down and there "she" is sitting right behind us eating french fries and drinking a frosty. we sit down and both look back at her (she is about 3 feet away or so) and she gives me this dirty look...you know, the look that makes you feel like you are a complete moron, and you are not worth her precious time to even glance at. Phillip then looks back and is like "oh man, that girl is soo awesome man, she is such a slut" and he goes on to tell me all the stuff that he had done with "her" last night.  my eyes tear up (in the dream, and in real life).  phillip then asks me whats wrong, and i cant even respond, it is one of those times where you are trying to choke out words but you cant seem to do anything but break down.  Phillip just laughed at me and told me that she was a slut, and whatever it was i didn't need to worry about it because she was already involved with him and his other friends.  I turned around again to look at her, to see if maybe i was dreaming (dreaming inside a dream)..and that maybe "she" wasn't there.  but "she" was.  "she" was smoking a cigarette (she would never do that in real life i dont think) ,and she blew the smoke in my face and gave me a dirty look.  it was then that my friend "c" came in to the dream somehow and stood up for me as i was crying.  as "c" came in she told "her" "look, i can't be your friend anymore, what you are doing to him is killing him.  You are such a jerk now, i dont know what happened to you.  You used to be such a good person.  I can't go on being your friend if you are going to treat him like this."  (thanks for saying all that "c"..even though it was a dream)  ..then "she" proceeded to tell "c" (excuse the french by the way, it is my dream..so it hasto be in there )  "i dont give a fuck what you think, and i dont give a fuck what everyone else thinks.  you think i care what i'm doing to him?  you are sadly mistaken.  i cant stand to be around you or him anyways,..so you think i care?!"  so then "c" says "ok, well if your going to be that way then i will never talk to you again.  have a good life, and thanks for being a jerk to andrew..you know, he deserves better than you".

ok, so that is my dream.  i dont know what that is supposed to mean. all i know is that i woke up crying, and i felt like a little part of my soul had just died.  that is the way i feel every morning.  i still sleep with the stuffed monkies she gave me, and they still smell like her.  when i wake up in the morning i turn over to the other side of the bed and feel to see if she is there next to me..but she is not.  her smell drives me insane ,and i dont think i can sleep with her stuffed animals anymore.  i love her too much.   i never wanted to be too serious for her, i never wanted to scare her away (if that is what i did).  it doesn't seem like anything helps.  i try to stay busy and forget for a little while, but i cant.  everything i do, everything i see, everything i smell, it all reminds me of her.  she was my everything, and i was her something.  i wish we could have felt the same.  i feel like she does, but is too scared to say it..to scared of being commited.  she says she has her whole life ahead of her, and she is young..well, i am young too, but i know what love is, it slaps me in the face every morning. it slaps me in the face every time i see her, or something we have done or somewhere we have been.  i cant escape what i feel , and i so desperately wish i could..just for a moment, so i could feel sane again.  but i know i cant. without her i will never be sane.  she brought level to my life, and was my comfort and my strength.  she held a piece of my life in her hands. she held my heart , and still does.  people tell me i will get over it in time, but time only makes things worse. you people dont understand.  you people dont know what love is.. you cant just get over it.  my dad is still in love with my mom after all the crap they have gone through with her cheating and her brain tumor and all that crap.  i have so much respect for my dad now. we havve something in common...it is like a family curse i guess. something neither of us will ever get over.  he pledged "till death do us part" and i pledge "eternity".  I dont know what else to say.  i guess i am too serious about all this..but i cant deny my feelings.  i dont want her to go.  her memory is the only thing i have left.