youdontloveme's Xanga

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Thu, 18 Sep 2003 00:52:17 GMT

ok..so i'm still writing some emo acoustic songs. a lot of people say i sound like a more depressed Lyndsay Diaries...its funny cuz i book 4 him. haha.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Tue, 19 Aug 2003 03:21:02 GMT

Have you ever had the same song stuck in your head all day? i have, and that day was today. man , it was crazy. i woke up at four after coming back from tour last night and not sleeping once again... man...partying is fun, but i think i need to stop bc i am not sleeping at all...gah dang. i am getting a belly too, and that is totally uncool. well, i am at my friend david's house right now, and he is prolyl getting bored of watchin me type and crap. later yo's.

Saturday, August 09, 2003

Sat, 09 Aug 2003 16:52:21 GMT

i am completely over it. i dont know why..but i am. my friend phil has been talking to me a lot about things, and i just woke up the other morning and was completely fine. it is kind of sucky how things can change so fast within a persons heart. true love doesn't change. you dont fall out of love. love is always, love is forever. so, i am happy for her. at least we both know that she never loved me. i on the other hand have always loved her, and always will...it will be a different kind of love now i believe...there will alwasy be sexual attraction, there will always be personality draws, there will always be the memories of the good times and the bad that we had. i am ready to move on. i am ready to take a step forward, not leaving that behind, but moreso taking it with me as an "experience" as we both used to say. we never wanted "experience". haha, it is kind of funny in a way that things turned out the way they did. i still go to bed holding the stuffed monkey she gave me (STILL smells like her), and i still wake up in the middle of the night wishing she was next to me..but its ok, because she will always have that affect on me. i dont know where i am going with this i guess. i will always miss her, ALWAYS...she has changed completely though. she is a completely different person, and i am now a completely different person. it is really sad that we are parting ways and that she leaves in three days. i have this feeling that we are never going to see eachother again...it is weird...well, i have to go...i just wish her the best of luck and all. find someone that can make you happy. date people that are better than me, because there are a lot of people like that, and dont have too much fun with your newfound independence that you have always wanted...if there is one thing i have learned it is that independence is what you make it..partying is not something you should do with your independence..maybe party a little, but be aware of what you're doing/taking/saying all the time.

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Wed, 30 Jul 2003 20:09:44 GMT

So yesterday i had a really bad day..everyone knows about it now, and everyone is all telling me things will be ok. to anyone who has sent words of encouragement my way, thank you. i really appreciate your love. it is just really difficult still, and it will always be. no one really understands, but its ok, thank you for being an encouragement.

I think God sent me an angel the other day in the most precarious place. I was hangin out with a friend of mine i met on friendster, and we were just walking around marietta square looking at shops and going in and all that jazz. So i was really burdened with the whole love thing you know, you have read my other xanga's. And out of no where as we are walking down the sidewalk, this cute old man comes up to me and puts his hand on my shoulder and says "Be strong,..everything will be ok". And then he just walked off..and i was just soooo baffled.. it was amazing. Thank you God.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Tue, 29 Jul 2003 17:45:01 GMT

i dont understand how things can be going like this. i wake up this morning haunted by dreams of her. she is in my every thought , even when i sleep.

Dream: Me and my friend Phillip (from the band Steadlur..awesome band..plug plug plug) are eating at Wendy's and we sit down and there "she" is sitting right behind us eating french fries and drinking a frosty. we sit down and both look back at her (she is about 3 feet away or so) and she gives me this dirty look...you know, the look that makes you feel like you are a complete moron, and you are not worth her precious time to even glance at. Phillip then looks back and is like "oh man, that girl is soo awesome man, she is such a slut" and he goes on to tell me all the stuff that he had done with "her" last night. my eyes tear up (in the dream, and in real life). phillip then asks me whats wrong, and i cant even respond, it is one of those times where you are trying to choke out words but you cant seem to do anything but break down. Phillip just laughed at me and told me that she was a slut, and whatever it was i didn't need to worry about it because she was already involved with him and his other friends. I turned around again to look at her, to see if maybe i was dreaming (dreaming inside a dream)..and that maybe "she" wasn't there. but "she" was. "she" was smoking a cigarette (she would never do that in real life i dont think) ,and she blew the smoke in my face and gave me a dirty look. it was then that my friend "c" came in to the dream somehow and stood up for me as i was crying. as "c" came in she told "her" "look, i can't be your friend anymore, what you are doing to him is killing him. You are such a jerk now, i dont know what happened to you. You used to be such a good person. I can't go on being your friend if you are going to treat him like this." (thanks for saying all that "c"..even though it was a dream) ..then "she" proceeded to tell "c" (excuse the french by the way, it is my dream..so it hasto be in there ) "i dont give a fuck what you think, and i dont give a fuck what everyone else thinks. you think i care what i'm doing to him? you are sadly mistaken. i cant stand to be around you or him anyways,..so you think i care?!" so then "c" says "ok, well if your going to be that way then i will never talk to you again. have a good life, and thanks for being a jerk to andrew..you know, he deserves better than you".

ok, so that is my dream. i dont know what that is supposed to mean. all i know is that i woke up crying, and i felt like a little part of my soul had just died. that is the way i feel every morning. i still sleep with the stuffed monkies she gave me, and they still smell like her. when i wake up in the morning i turn over to the other side of the bed and feel to see if she is there next to me..but she is not. her smell drives me insane ,and i dont think i can sleep with her stuffed animals anymore. i love her too much. i never wanted to be too serious for her, i never wanted to scare her away (if that is what i did). it doesn't seem like anything helps. i try to stay busy and forget for a little while, but i cant. everything i do, everything i see, everything i smell, it all reminds me of her. she was my everything, and i was her something. i wish we could have felt the same. i feel like she does, but is too scared to say it..to scared of being commited. she says she has her whole life ahead of her, and she is young..well, i am young too, but i know what love is, it slaps me in the face every morning. it slaps me in the face every time i see her, or something we have done or somewhere we have been. i cant escape what i feel , and i so desperately wish i could..just for a moment, so i could feel sane again. but i know i cant. without her i will never be sane. she brought level to my life, and was my comfort and my strength. she held a piece of my life in her hands. she held my heart , and still does. people tell me i will get over it in time, but time only makes things worse. you people dont understand. you people dont know what love is.. you cant just get over it. my dad is still in love with my mom after all the crap they have gone through with her cheating and her brain tumor and all that crap. i have so much respect for my dad now. we havve something in common...it is like a family curse i guess. something neither of us will ever get over. he pledged "till death do us part" and i pledge "eternity". I dont know what else to say. i guess i am too serious about all this..but i cant deny my feelings. i dont want her to go. her memory is the only thing i have left.

Friday, July 25, 2003

Fri, 25 Jul 2003 20:28:15 GMT

So my life is plagued by moments like these..moments of silence..these moments where all i can think about is you. I wonder if you sit in silence waiting for a phone call...waiting for a letter on your car window. Does this distance that seperates us help ease the pain of broken hearts? Do you still go to sleep at night with your hand outstretched to meet mine as you dream, as you lay down in the silence of the night? Or have you forgotten what it feels like to be in love. I know you were, I could feel it in your kiss. I could feel it in the touch of your hand. What happened to that love? It vanished so quickly. In all the confusion, do you wonder what it could be like to be unseperated? Do you wonder if you made the right choice? You say you know you need this, but do you really feel it in your soul or are you running from what feel deep down? Are you running from what you want to have because you found something that you have never felt before and it scares you? Questions X 100,000,000...yep, thats all i got. questions.

Saturday, July 12, 2003

Sat, 12 Jul 2003 05:13:05 GMT

ok, i love you...plain and simple. everytime i see you my heart aches...i still get butterflies everytime i see you, everytime i'm with you. its so hard to explain. you are in my every waking thought..you are in my dreams. I cant understand how this happened, and how it happened so quickly between the two of us...things changed so fast. i dont want you to be like you used to be. i want to be your best friend forever, but i want to be more than that because you mean so much more to me. you say i have taught you so much,...well, without you i dont know where i would be. you keep me sane. you make me laugh. you make me angry. you make me happy. you make me cry. you make me feel loved. you are such a comfort to my soul..without you, i feel lost. i cant get you out of my mind...everything i see reminds me of you. i went to a concert tonight (hot hot heat), and i couldn't stop thinking of you..i wished you were there with me. Garrett asked about you and me..it broke my heart to hear your name. I still sleep with the stuffed animals you gave me, and they still smell like you...i guess it is comforting to have something with me that reminds me of the way things used to be. i have cried more in the last two weeks than i have in my entire life. i'm sorry for letting you down if i have. i know i am not perfect, and i know that i have made mistakes. i know that is not why you quit, but i do want to appologize. i dont tell you how much i love you. i love you. i'm sorry you cant love me too, i think we could have had something great together. i miss you.

Saturday, April 19, 2003

Sat, 19 Apr 2003 02:24:09 GMT

ok, so it has been forever since i wrote in here. sorry to anyone who reads this...if anyone. but things have been really busy for me lately. i have been working around the clock non stop. my booking/promotions company (Boulevard Entertainment Group) has really taken off. We have got a lot of really good shows coming this way, and are putting some of our bands on tour this summer with some bigger bands. If you haven't checked them out, this is one of our bands..LoveYouLoud . They are amazing. Stage presence is unmatched, and musical style and composition ...yea....the best.

Monday, March 24, 2003

Mon, 24 Mar 2003 02:51:43 GMT

Monday, March 24, 2003

Mon, 24 Mar 2003 02:15:04 GMT

stephen and kate are soooo friggin weird. they break up and they get back together, they break up and they get back together, they break up and they get back together, they break up and they get back together, they think about breaking up and then make up and make out, they get better, they think about breaking up and then they break up, and then they get back together, kate goes on a skiiing trip and comes home and they get back together, stephen does things he shouldnt that involve substances that i will not name and they break up, and then get back together, they love eachother and then they break up, and then they hate eachother and they break up. it is a vicious cycle...does anyone see what i am saying here? man....kate needs a real man that can be a real man ALL the time. she deserves better, and i wish she would get real smart real quick and start looking for that guy, cuz she knows its not stephen and she has told me this. by the way , this is not gossip, she told me to write this on here. i dont knwo why, but i obeyed. i think stephen is big and hairy.