. The last person I kissed was: marco 2. Never in my life have I: confident enough to expose my real talents... 3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always make me smile: lynsey puckett 4. High School: north 5. When I'm nervous: i get really quiet 6. The last time I cried was:a week ago, a late night early morning drunken adventure gone ary. 7. If I were to get married right now my best man would be: lynsey puckett 9. My hair is: dark brown 10. When I was 5:met my best friend... 17 years later... 11. Last Christmas: was one of the roughest ive ever been through 13. I should be: reading some more... cleaning... emailing... 14. When I Look Down I See: mounds of sticky notes 15. The craziest recent event was: jan 26th... at petes. 16. If I were a character on Friends I'd be: monica 17. By this time next year:finishing up school finally, good job.. 18. Current Relationship Status: taken. 19. I have a hard time understanding: heartbreak...religion... motivation 20. One time at a family gathering:i learned more than i wanted to about male vs female bathroom habits 21. You know I like you when: i give you a nickname, make an effort to talk to you 22. If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: lynz, marco, mel... 23. Take my advice: If there's one thing I've leanred in life that most don't realize? nothing about moving on is easy... just take it day by day.. cry a little harder... dont take the day off for granted 24. My ideal breakfast is: a little bit of everything 25. If you visited the place I was born: youde see a part of me that i hold dear to my heart. 26. I plan to visit someone sometime soon: probably gary... just to catch up 27. If you spend the night at my house: youll eat junk, watch movies 28. I'd stop my wedding if:i was in love with someone else or it wasnt the right time or place to go through with it 29. The world could do without: doubt, pressure 30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than date: a bafoon who neglects and disrespects 31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself: well, lunch from central market for marco and i 32. Most recent thing someone else bought for you:marco just bought me a new book and movie from borders, jack and cokes with chips, salsa, & queso at sharkys. 33. My favorite blonde is: reese witherspoon. 34. My favorite brunette is: mel 37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are:horses.. 38. I shouldn't have been: so easily upset. 39. Once, at a bar: i granted a birthday wish which keeps getting requested. 40. Last night I was: recording a radio pod cast at gregs... afterparty at sharkys... 41. There's this girl I know who: is the bravest ive ever seen her. 42: I don't know: what the hell to do about my current living situation and financial status 43. A better name for me would be: vip... hah. 44. If I ever go back to school I'll say: i want to be done! NOW! 45. How many days until my birthday?: forever.... im in no rush. 46. What I really want for Valentines day is: i got flowers and a wonder dinner. 47. I'm wearing:kaio baseball tee and cheer shorts with flip flops 48. Tomorrow I am: sleeping and then who knows? its bowling night. 49.The last thing I ate was: spice drops 50. I really want to learn: how to be in a fulfilling relationship...
in the midst of my mini life crisis i found you with your head between your legs and here i am screaming my mouth stretched out like a rubber tire the things we had in common made us do the weirdest things let us feel the weirdest chemistry we couldve danced with tangled phone cords but none of that none of this will make you suck any less.
no body truly reads xanga posts anymore so i dont know why i feel inclined to write particularly in xanga today...
ill do it anyway just because its been sitting here waiting for me all this time.
excuse the randomness of this blog:
it occurs to me that if you let one in, you let them all in. this makes you feel as though youve either been violated or discovered. all those questions you have to answer... the could be's, should be's, or/and wanna be's. this grows old quickly, for someone who asks a billion questions, you would think id be okay with answering all these things but truthfully the expectations for this answer, i am beginning to quickly learn is something i turn away from. that general nonsense of authority and mr. and mrs. " i control you's". i am pretty fed up with the whole idea of pleasing the world. i cant even please myself.
you know when youre walking by yourself and all these thoughts arise... good thoughts.. but not the kind you can share with anyone--not even your love. this is because love and worry carry each other. and yet, that little voice inside you is killing itself little by little...wanting to God to sing out all the things it knows. it makes me realize that trying to connect and communicate is something that will never fully be accomodated.
i get flashbacks... of all the things ive been through... all the things i shouldve or wouldve said if i thought they would make a difference but i get tired of fighting. i get tired of doing. anything really. sometimes my daydreams revolve around the solidary man. not the one who sits alone and is full of wisdom in the back of the room and has a solemn presence, the absolute pioneer who lives with nothing but searches for everything. i think after being stuck where i am and knowing ill never fully have what i dream of, just makes the longing for open space that much more vivid.
i am getting to know the spiritual side of me... i am not sure i like her or if ive supressed her enough, shes starting to push her way through. ive been contemplating family life... i never really thought it would be for me.. but i am beginning to think twice about what still means and what it also means to have little and share lots. more yes's than no's these days... not quite sure what to do with that.
life is life lately. i am pretty sure i am ready to go and do something else besides school. i could be scholarly, disciplined, something... i just dont like it. too much work with too little reward, a piece of paper for money... its basically a load of shit. relevant shit , i am sure... but i dont want it as bad as i used to or the life i thought id aim for.
here's to life...give me something good this time.
i cant keep procastinating like this. its killing me. in fact, a lot of things are killing me right now. i am about to make a move that affects the way i love people.
Dear God,
hold me still today. wrap your hands around my heart. i have been hyprocritical, jealous, and cold. my heart is hardened and searching desperately for your love. i am under the impression and have always been wrong. i dont know how to let others know that i am about to leave them all behind for your love---i am tired of failing and i am tired of being failed. i am awaiting to see what and who you have in store for me. i am praying to fall in love again. a kind of love that i can show and deticate my daily self to. things are becoming more complicated even with renewed hope. i know you forgive. i know you give and take away. i am slowly bringing myself to search my soul and give the heart to you which youve known all along --is yours. i am hoping for lots of color in my life--adventure---light--- i am afraid to leave the darkness where i have been warm but it is time for me to be on fire. it is only through you that i am free. unbreak my heart, dear lord of love and mercy. give me a home to have faith in.. how to test it appropriately.. how to live selflessly.
*** theres a stirring deep within me could it be my time has come when i see my gracious savior, face to face when all is done is that his voice i am hearing come away my precious one is he calling me? is he calling me? i will rise up, i will rise up and bow down and lay my crown at his wounded feet.
*** though theres pain in the offerring, blessed be your name.
a lot of you who read will not understand this. this sudden, abrupt change of will. this is a test of my strength and a true to test to my life. if you feel like you wanna leave me alone while i go through this.. pack your bags and leave your key. i will make mistakes and bad choices. true friends are the ones who run in the door with their suitcases packed for months to hold your head, stare you in the eye to say... i am proud of you. i love you. he loves you. this is right.
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